The Troublesome Veracity
by Smaointe Salach
Summary: Re-upload! I'm back! * * Sheldon is rather perplexed to discover that the parameters of his relationship with Penny can not remain precisely as they've been. Mutual attraction requires a shift in the paradigm. Furthermore, Penny and Sheldon must destroy other relationships in order to advance their own. What are the consequences? Post season-5.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: As many of my former readers know, I was extremely sick with hyperemesis gravidarum and cholestasis during my pregnancy. I was pregnant from February to October of 2013, and I spent about half the pregnancy in the hospital and the other half with IVs in my arm and on bed rest before delivering my baby at 36 weeks via c-section! Phew. Anyway, now that that adventure is over and the adventure of mamahood has begun, I needed about 3 months to get back on my feet and get a routine settled before I felt comfortable re-uploading my works and getting back into writing. I hope you all forgive me and I hope you all look forward to reading new things from me half as much as I look forward to writing them in the very little free time I have as a stay-at-home mama. (Yes, this means that naptime = fanfic writing... hehehe). Thank you all so much for your support. I love you dearly. **

* * *

**The Unexpected Realization**

* * *

"I'm sorry, Leonard."

Penny looked like she'd just accidentally run over Leonard's metaphorical dog. She covered her face with her hands and peeked through her fingers as she fled from the boys' apartment.

"Well." Leonard turned to Sheldon and shrugged helplessly, his face looking wrought. "I guess that's that."

Sheldon did not know what to say. Penny had just informed Leonard that their relationship was over… that they were no longer together. Leonard had beseeched her to tell him if there was someone else, whether there was anything he could do to convince her, and Penny had just shaken her head and said she was sorry.

Sheldon sat with his hands crossed in front of his lap in "his spot" on the couch. He looked at the TV as if he were watching World's Most Engrossing Science Fiction Program. The TV was off, though, so he was purely pretending. Just, he thought, as Penny had been pretending with Leonard for so long now.

"It was just an illusion," Leonard said, echoing Sheldon's thoughts aloud. "I never had her at all, did I?"

"Well, of course you 'had' her, Leonard," Sheldon scoffed. "You two were exclusive and monogamous for some time. She merely… changed her mind on the matter, and, as you have said, 'that's that.'"

He truly did not wish to discuss it further. He was afraid that if he did, he might slip and say something to irritate the emotional injury Penny had just inflicted on his friend. Though Sheldon was infrequently concerned with the feelings of others, in this case, it seemed to their mutual benefit that the proverbial salt not be rubbed in the proverbial wound. He stood and walked into his room, turning over his shoulder on the step to see Leonard morosely stalking around the living room, raking his fingers through his hair.

Sheldon pursed his lips and shut his bedroom door behind him.

* * *

Penny didn't really feel like talking to Amy right now. After all, Amy and Sheldon were still "on." They were still "a thing." How intimate a "thing" they truly were, Penny had no idea. Sheldon was so opposed to the notion of Public Displays of Affection that he looked at once disgusted and inconvenienced by having to make it visually obvious he was dating Amy. Even so, Amy had a man. Now, Penny didn't.

She gulped as she sat wrapped up in her comforter on her bed. Penny's jealousy toward Amy was more intense than she'd originally thought it to be. She thought hard for a moment. Why _was_ Penny so jealous of Amy? It wasn't just that Amy had a relationship. It was, after all, Penny's own idea to break it off with Leonard. She could be in a relationship right now, too, if she really wanted to be. No, it was more than that. It was when Penny thought about the pairings. They seemed off. It was _Amy_ who should be with Leonard, Penny thought. Amy was overly affectionate and Leonard was a bit of a horndog. They were both quite bright, and, unlike Sheldon, Leonard was unlikely to diminish or look down upon Amy's own academic accomplishments.

_Yeah,_ Penny thought. _Amy should be with Leonard. And __**I **__should be with…_

Penny crinkled her brows at the thought. Quite honestly, she should be with nobody until she got her shit together. Until she stopped drinking so much, got her acting ducks in a row… She deserved to be alone, she thought ruefully.

Desperate for someone with whom to discuss her sadness and confusion, Penny reached for her phone and texted the only person she felt like texting. Why this person called out to her as a source of comfort, Penny did not know. But when she clicked the contact, she smiled a bit to herself.

_Hey, there, MoonPie._

The response took but a moment.

_Only my MeeMaw calls me MoonPie. –Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny smiled to herself, wider this time. She enjoyed playing with him, though (like her relationship with Leonard) her play with Sheldon often seemed so one-sided… like he was not in on the joke.

_I'm upset, _Penny texted, _and I need someone to talk to. _Again, she waited a moment for the response.

_I advise you to call your "bestie." – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

It was then that Penny thought he might really be angry with her for breaking up with Leonard. She recalled the night he'd entered – broken into – her apartment to confront her about her plans to break up with Leonard. He had begged her not to hurt his friend. In all fairness, Penny had not promised not to hurt Leonard. She had simply stated that it was the last thing she wanted to do, and that was the truth of it.

_Please, sweetie. Please come over here so I'm not alone and tempted to drink myself into oblivion over this._

The response was almost immediate.

_You will do no such thing, Penny. I will leave as soon as it is possible for me to avoid your ex-lover on my way out the door. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Then, almost immediately, another text.

_Please refrain from consuming alcohol. You know you are hardly at your best when intoxicated. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny smirked at his flippant insult. She lay down in her bed, her mind reeling. Had she truly broken up with Leonard? Yes. Yes, she had. She was alone now, truly alone, and had almost certainly lost the friendship of at least one of her pack forever. Perhaps, she thought sadly, irreparable damage had been done tonight on myriad relationships.

She was exhausted. She hadn't slept the night before, having been preoccupied with her conflicted thoughts on Leonardand the impending break-up. She shut her eyes for what seemed like just a moment, hoping to calm her whirling consciousness. Before she knew it, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She sprang up to a sitting position, abruptly awake, and yelped.

"Sheldon!"

"Penny," he said calmly.

"You broke in _again_?"

Sheldon shrugged indignantly. "I could hardly stand at your door pounding like an imbecile with my spurned best friend wallowing in his grief but a few yards away."

Penny sighed and rubbed her eyes wearily. "I'm sorry I fell asleep. I just… exhausted, I guess."

Sheldon was silent for a moment. "You don't actually want to discuss the grim details of your break-up with Leonard, do you?" he asked rather incredulously, sincerely hoping she did not.

"Not really," Penny admitted. "I just didn't want to be alone." She pushed herself back against her pillow and reached to turn on the lamp beside her bed. Sheldon suddenly looked acutely uncomfortable with the prospect of being in her bedroom, now that they were bathed in a gentle light. He cleared his throat and glanced away.

"Shall we go to the living room, then?" he suggested. Penny obliged and pulled herself out of bed. As they traipsed through the mess of Penny's bedroom, she asked,

"What excuse did you use for coming over here?"

"Penny, you know that I am borderline physically incapable of successfully lying. Therefore, I waited until Leonard retreated to his bedroom before cautiously and quietly sneaking across the hall."

Penny noted the time – an hour after she'd texted him. So she'd fallen asleep for longer than originally thought.

Echoing her mental sigh, Sheldon said, "It seems as though my trek was rather unnecessary. You were soundly asleep upon my arrival and did not appear to need any consoling."

"Then why did you wake me up?" Penny asked. She smiled grimly. "Looking for a punch in the throat, are we?"

"Certainly not, though the threat of such action absolutely crossed my mind before I ventured to wake you," Sheldon affirmed, taking a seat on the couch. "Honestly, any sane and reasonable person ought to know better than to wake the metaphorical Sleeping Giant that is Penny."

Penny grinned to herself, brushing off the insult. "What do you want to do, MoonPie?" she asked, and continued before Sheldon could inform her that she was verbally usurping his MeeMaw. "Want to watch _Star Trek_? Or _The Avengers_? It just came out on On-Demand."

Sheldon nodded happily. "The latter option, please," he beseeched Penny.

Because they had both seen _The Avengers_ several times in theatres (together), neither was fully engrossed in the film.

"How's Amy doing?" Penny asked, desperate to get her mind off of Leonard. She knew perfectly well how Amy was. She'd spoken to her only hours earlier, probably more recently than Sheldon had.

"She's… well, _she's_ doing just peachy, Penny. _We_, that is, _she and I as a couple_, are possibly the dullest human combination in history. We have no metaphorical 'chemistry.' Even if I wanted physical contact with a mate – which I do _not_, I must stress – I believe it would be something of an impossibility with Amy Farrah Fowler. I find myself in no way at all attracted to her. I feel no stirrings, internal or external, drawing me to Amy."

Penny frowned and pulled her eyes from the screen, where Thor was looking exceptionally sexy.

"Really?" she asked quietly, the corners of her lips tugging downward. "That's… sad."

"Thank you for your thorough analysis, Penny," Sheldon said sardonically. "That was sarcasm, by the way," he clarified.

"Yes. I got that. What I don't get is why you keep Amy on a line if she doesn't interest you. You know, Sheldon, that she wants in your pants."

"I am very much aware of that. The feelings are not reciprocated," Sheldon insisted.

"Well, both of you need to go your own ways, then, and find people whose pants you _do_ want to be in," Penny suggested.

"You ought not use a dangling participle like that, Penny," Sheldon scolded. "The correct phrasing would be, 'Each of you needs to go your own way, then, and find people in whose pants you want to be.'"

"That's just a confusing way of saying a very simple thing," Penny argued. She paused and sighed deeply, shutting her eyes. She had invited Sheldon over because of loneliness and sorrow. The last thing that needed to happen was for the entirety of Apartment 4A to despise her because of a break-up and an argument. "You're right," she conceded finally. "I will try harder with my grammatical correctness."

"Anyway, Penny, I hardly see the point. I do not find myself wanting to be in _anyone's_ pants, you see."

"Nobody's?" Penny pushed incredulously. "There's _no one, _Sheldon?"

Sheldon was silent. He pursed his lips, folding his hands over his knee, and shook his head vehemently. His cheeks reddened deeply as he said softly, "No. There's no one."

* * *

He was lying, of course. There was someone, and her name was Penny. The only reason Sheldon took so long to come over to Penny's tonight was how long it took him to stifle and conceal his glee. Finally, _finally_, Penny was single. There were two problems, though. She was single because she had dumped Sheldon's best friend and roommate. Furthermore, Sheldon was decidedly _not_ single, being involved in a contractual relationship with Amy.

Nevertheless, Sheldon had gladly marched over to Penny's apartment and pretended he was not overtly happy about the break-up. He certainly didn't dare tell her that in the hour before he'd come over, he'd done two things: masturbated with images of Penny in his mind (he now felt that it was permissible, since she was single) and taken a shower to hide the first activity.

Sheldon did not often masturbate. He had no routine surrounding the activity like he did with other human endeavors like eating, bowel movements, sleep, and chaste entertainment. It was one of the only things he did somewhat on a whim. Only when Sheldon felt pent-up energy or frustration did he pump himself into a post-orgasmic stupor. In the last few years, those occasions had come mostly when Penny had done something extraordinary. After she gave him the Leonard Nimoy napkin, for instance, Sheldon had pleasured himself three times in one night, all while images of Penny danced in his mind. When she'd pinned him to the ground and kissed him, well… in the moment, he'd feigned horror. In reality, he had gone later to his room and felt himself grow as his eidetic memory put the experience on loop in his mind.

But, no… admitting to Penny that she was the one and only fantasy he had, that she was the only object of his meek desire… that was unthinkable.

It would never happen, Sheldon told himself. He would never tell her that he wanted her because she would never want him back.

Penny was glad she didn't have work the next day. Sheldon had stayed until 2 a.m., far past his bedtime, and it wasn't until 10 a.m. that Penny heard knocking on her door. She dragged herself out of bed and opened the front door to see Amy Farrah Fowler in the threshold.

"Hi, Ames," Penny said groggily. She felt a little stab in her chest, remembering Sheldon's diatribe the previous night about his lack of attraction to poor Amy.

"Good morning, bestie. I trust you do not wish to address the unfortunate dissolution of your relationship with Leonard."

"You trust correctly, Amy," Penny said, retreating into her living room. "What's up?"

"Well," Amy closed the door behind her and lowered her voice. "You see, bestie, I need your help. For an experiment."

Penny narrowed her eyes distrustfully. Any and all "experiments" to which she had been privy during her friendship with her lovable pack of nerds had turned out horribly. "What kind of an experiment?" Penny demanded.

"It's a neurobiological endeavor being carried out by my department," Amy announced. She stood up straighter and tipped up her chin, as if it were taking a great amount of resolve and courage to disclose the purposes of the experiment. "We are seeking to discover the most efficient means of female sexual stimulation as relates to time taken to reach orgasm, as well as the intensity of said orgasm."

"Uh…" Penny felt her cheeks grow hot and looked disbelievingly at Amy. "Let me get this straight. You want to find out what the quickest and most effective way to get a woman off is?"

"Essentially, in layman's terms, yes. That would be an acceptable summary." Amy pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and nodded.

"And I'm supposed to be involved in this… _how?_" Penny's voice was still disbelieving and slightly disgusted.

"Well, bestie, we need test subjects. Do not fear. I am aware of your strict heterosexuality and you can rest assured that this is a completely solo endeavor. You would be placed in a laboratory with biological sensors attached to your body. Over the course of about five sessions, you would use various stimulants like sex toys, your own hands, and pornographic imagery to reach orgasm. We as the conductors of the experiment would use biological feedback from the sensors to measure how long it took for you to reach an orgasm using various methods of stimulation. We would also use the biofeedback to compare the intensity of the orgasm."

Penny was amazed by the ease with which Amy spewed forth sexual terminology and graphically described sexual activity. Penny shook her head and closed her eyes. "What's the control, then?" she asked. She had been around the nerds for far too long now. She was questioning the Scientific Methodology of a PhD.

Indeed, Amy looked baffled by Penny's question, but said, "Well, you see, that's rather complicated by your breaking things off with Leonard. We originally wanted to use stimulation by another person…"

"That requires _two_ people, Amy," Penny pointed out, holding up two fingers for emphasis. "At least."

"Yes, and now that you're not with Leonard anymore, I believe the Method of the experiment will need to be altered -"

"Or, I could just, you know… not participate." Penny raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms.

"Out of the question, bestie. You're the most sexually active female to whom I have ready access. Since there is no logical control in this situation, it will be a purely comparative study."

Penny scrunched her lips in resignation. "Fine," she acceded, stomping her foot a bit. "I hope I get paid for this."

"Of course, bestie!" Amy assured her. "A whole hundred dollars per session!"

Penny scrunched her face and sighed. She really was in desperate need for some dough if she was agreeing to this.

"When do I start?" she asked.

* * *

**_Knock, knock, knock._**

_"_Penny!"

**_Knock, knock, knock._**

_"_Penny!"

**_Knock, knock, knock._**

_"_Penny!"

The door opened before Sheldon and revealed Penny looking surprisingly put together for 8:30 a.m.

"Hello." Sheldon's voice was abnormally breathy. "You must be getting ready to go over to Amy's lab."

A look of horror crossed Penny's face as she realized that Sheldon knew of her involvement in Amy's research. She grabbed his arm, ignoring his indignant glance to where she gripped his bicep. She yanked him into the apartment and slammed the door shut behind him.

"Don't bring that up, Sheldon," she said seriously, pointing her finger at him.

He looked genuinely confused. "You are a participant in a scientific experiment. I fail to see why the matter is taboo."

"You fail to see…" Penny echoed, biting her lip angrily and shaking her head. "It's _taboo, _Sheldon, because it involves some very personal and private activities."

"Oh, Penny. Don't be silly," Sheldon giggled childishly. "I know you don't do those things outside of a lab."

"No?" she said incredulously, raising her eyebrows with annoyance. "How do you know that?"

"Well, a person with as active a social sex life as yourself has no need for… shall we say, 'self-fulfillment.' Of course, now that Leonard's gone… perhaps…" Sheldon's cheeks reddened as he looked away, seeming to realize that he was pushing Penny's boundaries. He moved to sit on the couch and Penny exclaimed,

"Oh, I don't know if you want to sit there, Sheldon. God knows what kind of bodily fluids are on that couch as a result of my sexual escapades!"

Sheldon's body flew from the couch as if it were on fire. He looked at her, terrified, having taken her words seriously.

"Good gravy, Sheldon! I'm kidding!" Penny shook her head again, exasperated.

"This is no joke, Penny," Sheldon countered, wiping his hands on his pant legs. "Residual samples of semen and vaginal fluid have been found on upholstered surfaces quite literally years after the initial deposit."

Penny looked disgusted. "How the hell am I supposed to go get myself off while I'm thinking about body fluids on upholstery?"

"I apologize, Penny. I do not wish to sully the efficacy of the experiment. By all means, impart a more sensuous image into your mind immediately to replace my crudeness."

Penny shut her eyes in disbelief. Truly, the man had no idea of socially acceptable discourse or behavior.

"Was there something you needed in coming over here, sweetie?" she asked finally, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

"Yes. I was wondering if you had any Honey Puffs. I ate the last of my supply this morning and I am rather in a rut with them."

"I'm sorry, honey. You know I just have coffee for breakfast. But if you want, I'll take you to the grocery store this afternoon and you can buy some more of them." Penny tried to smile at him.

"Splendid. I hope you are not too exhausted from your masturbatory exploits to drive." Sheldon flashed her a completely innocent grin. Penny knew he was not attempting sarcasm.

"I'm sure I'll be fine," she said, shutting the door behind her as she headed out into the hallway.

Two hours later, Penny was settled onto an exam bed in a deserted laboratory. There were electrodes and sensors placed strategically all over her body. The most uncomfortable one was in her rectum. She'd been informed that it was to measure the number, frequency, and intensity of muscular contractions. Penny wondered how on earth she was supposed to get off in an environment like this. It was chilly, white, sterile, and she felt so exposed she could hardly stand it. Hell, she thought, if she made it through this she might as well consider at least one audition for a pornographic film.

"Okay, Penny. We have your base readings. Whenever you're ready, please commence utilizing the device on the table. Please stop only when you reach orgasm, however long that takes. If you are confused as to whether that's happened -"

Penny put up a hand, though she'd been promised they couldn't see her, and verbally cut off the voice over the intercom. "Trust me. I'll know," she insisted.

"Very well. Whenever you're ready."

Penny looked to the table beside the exam bed, where a silicone phallus lay waiting. Attached to it was a little remote control, and Penny gulped.

"Okay…" she whispered to herself. "You can do this, Penny. It's for _science."_

She picked up the vibrator and turned it on low, deciding she would take her time and not attempt to force anything. She placed the vibrating tip of the phallus against her clitoris under the cotton blanket covering her nude body. With her free hand, she began slowly caressing the rest of her skin and shut her eyes gently.

Of what to fantasize? Penny paused for a moment and let the thoughts come to her. She decided to let whatever fantasy appeared have its way with her. When an image of Sheldon stubbornly lodged itself in her consciousness, Penny frowned. What was _he_ doing there, in her mind? Of course, she'd had a fantasy or two about Sheldon before. Normally, she thought of his innocence, his inexperience, and coupled that with his tall, lanky attractiveness to create the perfect scenario in her fantasizing head. Penny shrugged to herself and decided to let her mind run away with itself.

_Sheldon knocked on Penny's door in his OCD manner._

_"Penny?" His final call sounded and she opened the door, standing before him in a bathrobe and nothing else._

_"Hi, MoonPie," she said seductively._

_"Only my MeeMaw calls me… oh, forget it. You can call me anything you want, Penny, as long as you solve the humiliating conundrum with which I am faced."_

_He gestured down to his pants to a bulge visible through his chinos._

Penny felt the vibration of the toy against her front, and she reveled in it, letting out a little "Mmm" at the thought of Sheldon having a hard-on. She tipped the end of the vibrator into her entrance, which was now slick and ready.

_"You have no idea how vexing this is, really," Sheldon asserted._

_"I think I have some clue."_

_"Penny," Sheldon dead-panned, "How could you have any notion what it is to suffer a visible erection when you are biologically bereft of a penis?"_

_Penny narrowed her eyes at him and smiled wryly. "I'm __**very**__ good at giving them to boys," she told him, "and equally good at making them go away."_

Penny continued to massage herself inside and out with the vibrator as she continued her fantasy. In her mind, Sheldon was removing her bathrobe and staring wide-eyed at her exposed body. He looked terrified – positively adorable in his inexperience and immaturity.

_He reached out with both hands toward her breasts and inched his palms toward her chest so slowly he hardly seemed to be moving at all._

"_Oh, for God's sake, Sheldon, __**touch me**__." Penny grasped his wrists and placed them on her breasts, giggling at the look of pure shock and awe on Sheldon's face._

"Touch me, Sheldon," Penny whispered aloud in the lab, anxiously stroking her breast with one hand while she manipulated the toy with the other. She could feel a delightful sort of pressure building in her abdomen, a twisting sort of anticipation.

He was naked now, in her mind, and looking as scared as ever as he positioned himself above her on her couch. Just as he pushed himself into her entrance (in her fantasy, at least), Penny thrust the vibrator into herself with vigor.

"God, Sheldon!" This cry was louder than she'd intended, clearer than she'd envisioned. She sincerely hoped that Amy Farrah Fowler was not listening into the recording over her masturbatory session. She didn't think it would go over too well that Penny was vividly imagining sex with Sheldon to get herself off.

And, boy, was it ever working. Penny's mind thrashed with vibrant and gaudy images of Sheldon thrusting into her, of his contorted face as he approached the moment of spilling his seed into her. He was sexier than she'd given him credit for, her little Dr. Whack-a-Doodle.

Just as Sheldon erupted into Penny's body in her fantasy, she felt herself abruptly contracting around the sex toy. She was coming hard, her spasms frequent and forceful. Her breath was shallow and frantic, her eyes were squeezed shut so she could focus on the mental image of Sheldon, and a fine sheen of sweat coated her blushed skin.

When it was all over, when she'd come down from her high, she blinked her eyes open to the bright white reality of the lab. It wasn't real. She'd not made love with Sheldon. Worse, she was completely and utterly alone in the lab. Looking over to the table beside the bed, she saw a glass of water and imbibed from it. She sighed heavily.

Why was it that fantasy always seemed to top reality? The boys were intimately familiar with the concept, always lost in their comic books and video games and Second Lives. Was her real life that sad and pathetic that the only way she could have that intense an orgasm was to let her mind wander to her quirky neighbor – the neighbor in a contractual relationship with her friend?

Penny frowned and put on the provided hospital gown, stalking silently out of the lab into the changing area.

She was sincerely regretting agreeing to participate in this experiment. It was hard to put a price on this degree of sorrowful self-discovery.

* * *

**_Knock, knock, knock_**_._

"Penny."

**_Knock, knock, knock_**_._

"Penny."

**_Knock, knock, knock_**_._

"Penny."

She wondered briefly if she'd open the door and find him standing there with an erection, like he'd had in her fantasy. Laughing grimly, Penny opened her front door and saw Sheldon with a reusable fabric grocery bag in his hand and a light windbreaker on.

"Are you ready to take me to buy Honey Puffs?" Sheldon asked without greeting.

"Oh, Sheldon," Penny groaned, stepping into her living room. "I don't know if I feel like going out again."

"So you _are_ indeed overly exhausted from your participation in the experiment?" Sheldon nodded.

Penny scowled. "I'm not exhausted, Sheldon… it was tough. Mentally."

Sheldon looked confused. "Did you have difficulty meeting the parameters of participation?"

Penny shrugged and shook her head. "Huh?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes condescendingly. "Were you unable to satisfactorily achieve the desired result of the study?"

Penny raised her eyebrows wearily. "You mean, did I come?"

Sheldon's eyes went round as saucers and he looked taken aback. "If you wish to be so crude and obscene with the terminology, then, yes, I suppose that is an adequately explicit rephrasing of my query."

"I really… _really_… do not feel like talking about it, Sheldon."

He looked hurt. "You've called me that three times now." His voice was soft and he looked away.

Penny narrowed her eyes. "Called you what?"

"My name. Sheldon. You usually refer to me by a term of endearment, i.e. 'Sweetie' or 'Honey,' indicating at least an affable and affectionate viewpoint. Often, you deliberately utilize my MeeMaw's nickname of 'MoonPie,' in hopes, I believe, of provoking a pseudo-indignant response from which you seem to derive great amusement."

"And you're now _angry_ that I'm using your actual name?" Penny asked incredulously.

"The sudden shift in the nomenclature directed at me from you is a bit troubling. Though I am poor at receiving non-verbal signals, I do think I am skilled at linguistic analysis."

Again, Penny shook her head. "Little words, please."

Sheldon pursed his lips and crossed his arms. "Are you mad at me?" he asked simply. "You're not looking me in the eye. Your words and tone of voice seem sad. You don't want to take me shopping."

Penny tried to look directly at him, feeling guilty. "I'm not mad at you. You didn't do anything."

That was not an outright lie, as everything he'd done to her had been in her imagination.

"Then why the apparent shift in the characteristics of our discourse?"

Penny sighed. "I…" She couldn't finish, shrugging and pursing her lips. Sheldon walked quickly to stand in front of her and reached tentatively for her crossed elbows.

"Did someone cause you physical or emotional harm, Penny?"

He looked genuinely concerned when Penny met his eyes, more concerned than she'd ever seen him be for another person. It broke her heart.

"I imagined you," she said suddenly, blurting it out. It took Sheldon a moment to catch her meaning, but when he put two and two together, he looked shocked. "It was you in my mind," Penny repeated, clarifying, "While I… you know…"

"You utilized a mental image of me to achieve orgasm through masturbation?"

Penny couldn't read his voice. It was blank. He sounded neither offended nor enthusiastic. She nodded, ashamed. She saw Sheldon's lips twitch and he blinked rapidly.

"You know what, Penny? I… uh…" Sheldon took a quick step back from her and cleared his throat. "I'll just take the bus to the grocery store."

Penny scoffed. "Honey!" she exclaimed. "You're being silly, now. I know you hate the bus and its germs and all the fellow passengers. Please let me drive you to the store."

He nodded after a moment of contemplation.

Later, in the car, neither spoke for the majority of the ride. Finally, as he stared out the window of the passenger's seat, Sheldon asked meekly,

"Why me, Penny?"

Normally, such a question from Sheldon might be referring to why he'd not yet won a Nobel Prize. This time, though, she knew to what, exactly, he was referring.

"I don't know, MoonPie," she shrugged honestly. Sheldon ignored the nickname.

"I lied to you," he said suddenly, still gazing out the window.

Penny glanced over to him, confused. "About what?"

"There is, in fact, someone of whom I think very often. You asked me the other day… if there was anyone. When I told you I wasn't interested in Amy, you asked if there was anyone else." He finally tore his eyes from the window and flicked them to the driver's seat. "There is."

Penny knew what he was going to say. Still, her heart racing, she felt she needed to hear him say it.

"Who?" she whispered, her voice barely audible over the road noise.

"You." Sheldon stated the obvious. His cheeks reddened as he gazed back out the window.

Neither Sheldon nor Penny spoke all the way to the grocery store, and when they reached the parking lot, Penny parked the car but didn't turn off the ignition. Sheldon silently unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door.

"I'll shop quickly," he assured her. "I'm only getting Honey Puffs." He rose from the car and closed the door. His window was open, so he made a move to lean into the car as if he was going to say something else. But then he pursed his lips anxiously, sighed lightly, and thought better of it. He turned around and glided in his smooth, silent way, away from Penny.

* * *

**The Hygienic Protocol**

* * *

"You know, Penny, I find it rather fascinating and, perhaps, mildly inexplicable, that you would imagine me in the context of physical contact and… fluid exchange."

Sheldon was staring out the window again as Penny pulled out of the parking lot.

"Is that what you thought about in the grocery store, MoonPie? How crazy it is that someone would imagine you with a sex life?" Penny smirked.

"I'm simply stating that I find it odd to picture myself in such a communal situation."

"Sheldon, honey, you told me you thought about _me_ that way. In your little fantasies, weren't you participating?" Penny glanced at him dubiously.

"Hardly!" Sheldon scoffed. "Rather, I was something of a voyeur to a more unaccompanied experience."

"So you watched me touch myself?" Penny grinned knowingly and saw out of her peripheral vision that Sheldon stealthily relocated his hands to cover his crotch.

"We ought not discuss it, Penny."

"Did you touch yourself, too?" she pressed.

"In fantasy, or reality?" Sheldon asked for clarification before thinking.

"Either. Both."

Sheldon was silent and pulled his lips diagonally up. "We ought not discuss it," he repeated finally.

Penny giggled and they did not speak again until they reached the apartment.

They climbed the flights of stairs without talking, too, until they reached the landing on the fourth floor.

"Well…" Penny began, shrugging and starting to walk to her apartment. "See ya later, MoonPie."

"Only my MeeMaw… oh, hell. Penny." Sheldon took a deep, shivering breath and when he spoke again his voice sounded uncertain. "I must admit, I sometimes wonder if my aversion to the exchange of fluids is not at least marginally irrational." He picked absently at the skin around his fingernails, though Penny knew he kept his cuticles immaculately trimmed. He stared intently at his hands and his cheeks flushed crimson. Penny saw his Adam's Apple bob as he gulped.

Penny suppressed a sardonic grin. "Oh, honey. Why don't you kiss Amy… I mean, _really_ kiss her, and see if you like it?"

"Can we discuss this within the confines of a more private setting, please?" Sheldon asked. He still did not meet her gaze.

"Well, sure," Penny agreed, moving toward her door again. "I'd rather not be in your apartment until Leonard moves on a little bit, if it's all the same to you."

"I concur with your cautious and considerate approach to Leonard's spirits in the wake of your break-up," Sheldon declared. "I would also prefer to be out of his company for the time being, as he is very much, as it's said, a 'downer' at the moment."

"That bad, huh?" Penny asked ruefully, leading Sheldon into her living room. Sheldon took a seat on the couch as Penny began to pour herself a glass of white wine in the kitchen. She saw Sheldon eye the alcohol with some disdain.

"Indeed," he said after a pause. "I hear sniveling from his bedroom at night and he discusses it at length with his mother daily."

"Oh, dear," Penny sighed, taking a large swig of wine. "I'm sorry it's affected you, honey."

"Anyway, as we were discussing in the hall…" Sheldon pursed his lips and clasped his hands over his knee. "I have recently been made aware of several effective steps that may be taken to mitigate the unsanitary nature of bodily fluid exchange."

"Oh?" Penny raised her eyebrows. "So you _are_ planning on kissing Amy for real, then? What are these steps?"

"Well," Sheldon began in earnest, "The first step would be to thoroughly clean the mouth as close to the time of fluid exchange as possible. The steps to successfully do this are as follows. First, both participants should brush their teeth with a combination of one teaspoon baking soda and a dollop of quality toothpaste. They should brush for two and one-half minutes, ensuring that they thoroughly cleanse all teeth and gums. Applying a new dollop of toothpaste, both participants should brush the roofs of the mouths as well as the tongue for a duration of one minute per area."

"Okay," Penny said cautiously. "That sounds doable enough. Completely silly, but doable."

"The next step," Sheldon continued hastily, "Is to rinse the toothbrush, obviously, and rinse the mouth three times with cold water. Then, participants should utilize a tongue scraper to effectively remove harmful bacteria and debris from the surface of the tongue. Next, participants should use one-quarter cup Listerine each for no less than one minute. At that point, the respective mouths ought to be sufficiently clean for an open-mouthed kiss."

Penny suppressed a laugh. Typically, she and kissing partners had, at most, chewed gum or sucked on mints before kissing and, at worst, kissed while reeking of alcohol.

"Well, Sheldon, if you think you can convince Amy to carry out that procedure, I'm sure she'd be simply delighted to kiss you."

"Would_ you_?"

Penny wasn't sure she'd heard him right. She didn't answer. She simply swirled the white wine in her glass and scrunched her brows.

Sheldon rotated his torso on the couch to face her with an expectant look in his icy blue eyes. "Well, Penny?" he asked again. "Would you kiss me?"

"Doctor Sheldon Cooper, are you initiating physical contact?" Penny looked at him with amused skepticism. Sheldon held up a hand to stop her.

"Allow me to reiterate the utmost importance – nay, the necessity – of the aforementioned hygiene techniques prior to any and all oral fluid exchange." He paused. "It has the makings of a good scientific procedure for a valid experiment," he said cautiously. "If I establish a hypothesis, then utilize the aforesaid hygiene procedure, I believe it could yield fascinating results. Yes. I think my hypothesis would be, 'Even a genius germaphobe far too knowledgeable about the dangers of infection contracted from bodily fluid exchange can, with the proper hygienic methodology, enjoy an open-mouthed kiss.'" He nodded as if it were settled. "I possess all the necessary tools and accouterments to attempt this experiment."

"Hold on, there, cowboy," Penny said tersely. "I'm already participating in a pretty vulgar experiment. Why don't you call Amy up and tell her all of this?"

Sheldon frowned at Penny as if she'd asked why the sky was blue. "Isn't it obvious, Penny? As I have disclosed, I possess little to no attraction to Amy. A kiss with her would completely invalidate the experiment, as my hypothesis stands precisely no chance of being proven when the procedure is carried out with her as a study participant."

Penny flashed Sheldon the clueless look she wore far too often around him and his friends. "Huh?" she asked.

"I don't want to kiss Amy," Sheldon declared pompously, wrapping his arms around his torso and pouting. "I should like to attempt this experiment with you."

Penny licked her lips and sighed, looking down into her wine glass. "Sheldon… honey… I'm still stumbling through a break-up here. I don't want you to be a rebound hook-up. You're better than that. Besides, I think the fact that we've both admitted we're at least sort of attracted to each other is reason enough for us to_not_ kiss."

Sheldon narrowed his eyes at her and shook his head. "Penny, that makes precisely no sense. I am well aware of the recent termination of your liaison. My own feelings, physical and otherwise, toward you predate your current relationship status. Therefore, I would neither feel like nor actually be a so-called 'rebound.' Rather, any actions taken with me would be the result of newfound liberty from the confines of dissatisfying monogamy."

Penny scoffed. "And what about you and Amy? You're going to cheat on Amy?"

"How else will I know if I want to stay with her?"

"Sheldon Lee Cooper! You will not use me as a thermometer of your sex drive! If you want to know whether you're better with or without Amy, I suggest you do your little OCD tooth-brushing with her and let her be your first French kiss." Penny swigged down the last of her wine angrily and slammed the base of the glass onto her counter, shocked that it didn't break.

"Penny." Sheldon's voice was more firm that usual. "I have literally never felt sexual attraction toward another person in my life before you, and you know that I abhor misuse of the word 'literally.'" He stood from the couch and tugged the hem of his graphic tee down. "Now, please, if you will just consider the magnitude and significance of my request -"

"You think you're being reasonable, but you're not, Sheldon! You're trying to use me like a pawn."

Sheldon looked genuinely hurt. "Penny," he said very softly, "I am doing no such thing. I am attempting to successfully participate in physical intimacy with the only person with whom I care to endeavor it."

"Huh?" Penny asked again, feeling very stupid for many reasons.

"I _want_ to kiss you, Penny." Sheldon frowned as he registered for the first time the sting of her rejection. "I… desire you… as a result of several convincing factors. First, you are amusing and witty. Second, you are kind and considerate, always attempting to make my experience in life run more smoothly and enjoyably. I can genuinely assert that I relish spending time with you. I know that we quarrel vociferously and frequently, but only because we both care enough to produce rebuttal after rebuttal. Finally, and not insignificantly, you are a superior physical specimen. That is to say, I find you quite beautiful to behold and that is why I imagine you from time to time in a state of undress. While I maintain a severe level of discomfort with touching everyone but you, I do believe that my distress with physical contact with _you_ has been moderated by your incessant and persistent touching."

"So, you like spending time with me, you think I'm nice, and you think I'm pretty?" Penny asked, simplifying his rant for her own mind. She couldn't help but smile sheepishly.

Sheldon just nodded. "For those reasons, Penny, I am very humbly asking you to kiss me… after indulging me with the oral hygiene routine I described."

"Kind of kills the moment, MoonPie," Penny countered.

"I fervently disagree. Conversely, I believe that the anticipation for the kiss, once an agreement to carry it out has been made, will lead to heightened physiological response to the kiss itself." Sheldon shifted on his feet.

Penny scrunched her lips. "No," she said abruptly, shaking her head.

Sheldon looked confused. "No?"

"I can't do this to Amy," said Penny, "and neither should you."

"Would it alleviate your guilt if I dismissed my romantic affiliation with Amy before you and I kiss?" Sheldon asked hopefully.

"No! Sheldon, you have a girlfriend. A living, breathing, horny-as-hell girlfriend who understands the biology of your fears better than me or anyone else. If you want to French kiss somebody, well, it should be Amy." Penny sniffed rather sadly and started to walk toward her bathroom. "I'm long, _long_ overdue for a shower, MoonPie. I'll see you later."

* * *

She shut the door behind her as she sealed herself into the bathroom and cupped her face in her hands. She felt hot, burning tears starting to well up in the rims of her eyes, though she wouldn't have been able to explain why they were there. She gulped heavily and started the shower running. She started stripping off her clothes, one piece at a time, and tossed them onto the bathroom floor. Honestly, she thought, Sheldon Cooper was a piece of work. He'd violated her consciousness with his virtual presence. Now, in real life, he was suggesting infidelity on his part and an exhibition of desperation on hers.

Penny couldn't deny her attraction to Sheldon, but that didn't mean she was comfortable with it. She wondered what it was, exactly, that drew her to him. His tall, lanky frame was sexy in its own way. His chiseled face and boyish features were appealing, though she was unable to pinpoint exactly why. His intensely blue eyes were nothing if not mesmerizing.

Penny squeezed her own eyes shut as the image of his baby blue irises seared itself into her mind.

"Gaaah!" She growled angrily, stomping her foot on the shower floor. She remembered when she'd fallen, when Sheldon had come to help her… when he'd inadvertently touched her chest.

Penny would not have guessed herself able to work herself into this frustrated frenzy. But then, it was really _him_, wasn't it, doing this to her? Stupid Sheldon.

It seemed flagrantly uncharacteristic for him to push her on kissing him. However, the way in which he had asked, with uncertainty and shyness, was just about as Sheldon-esque as it got. He'd also demanded an unreasonable hygiene routine as a prerequisite for the requested kiss. That was Sheldon, all right. Maybe, Penny thought, maybe he just wanted to explore his sexuality. Any man of his age so long deprived of contact had to be getting antsy - even the allegedly asexual Sheldon.

Penny somehow managed to wash her hair and scrub herself clean before emerging from the bathroom and falling into bed. Beside her, her phone buzzed, rousing Penny from her perplexed weariness.

_Thank you very kindly for taking me shopping. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny pursed her lips and smirked. He was just trying to make her think of him, now. The self-centered little whack-a-doodle had no consideration of her need for sleep.

_You're welcome, MoonPie. G'night._

Almost immediately, as if Sheldon hadn't even read her response, Penny's phone buzzed again.

_I took inventory. I am indeed in possession of ample supplies of baking soda, toothpaste, mouthwash, and brushes and scrapers. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny frowned at his confounding insistence.

Trying to decide if she should respond to him by being snide or gentle, she finally settled on, '_That's nice, honey.'_

_Please reconsider my proposition. I believe I would actually enjoy kissing you. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny grinned widely to herself. Inexplicably, she felt herself blush. Before she knew it, she was fast asleep, with thoughts of her many misadventures with Dr. Crazy dancing in her mind.

* * *

The next morning brought a harsh dose of reality.

"Good morning, bestie!"

Amy had called far too early, waking Penny from her much-needed slumber.

"Hi, Ames. How are you?"

"I'm doing well. I have decided to give Sheldon an ultimatum."

Amy's rather contradictory statements confused Penny, who asked, "What kind of an ultimatum?" although she was rather certain of what her friend would say.

"If Sheldon does not kiss me with an open mouth within a week, I shall be forced to seek my emancipation from our agreement and seek gratification elsewhere." Amy's voice was surprisingly firm. "I'm tired of all this, frankly. I feel as though I'm being led in a sadistic dance wherein the partners never touch."

"Oh, Ames… I'm… I'm sorry." That was the best Penny could do. She considered telling Amy about what Sheldon had revealed – that he would consider an open mouthed kiss with the protections of rigorous hygiene – but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Penny was unable to discern whether or not this was a result of trying to do the right thing, or semi-consciously attempting to hasten the end of Shamy.

"I am going to call him as soon as I get off the phone with you," Amy said.

"Don't you think this is the kind of thing you ought to do in person?" Penny asked skeptically. "I mean, it seems kind of cruel to threaten him over the phone."

Amy was silent for a beat. "You're right, bestie. I think I'll come over there and try to catch him before he leaves for work. Don't forget, your second session is tomorrow."

Penny gulped. She was dreading the experiment, to say the least, and had been strongly considering backing out.

It was no surprise when, forty-five minutes later, there was a frantic knocking on Penny's door and she heard Sheldon's characteristic OCD ritual.

"Hi, MoonPie." Penny opened the door. Sheldon stood in front of her looking alarmingly disheveled. He wore his plaid flannel robe and his hair was a complete mess. He had sleep in his eyes and looked like he wanted to cry.

"Penny," he said, nodding by way of greeting. "What do I do?"

Penny raised an eyebrow. "Am I supposed to know what the hell you're talking about?"

"I believe you do. Amy has issued me an proviso with which I am thoroughly uncomfortable."

"Oh, honey." Penny held the door open wider and gestured for him to come inside. "You just said yesterday you were ready to be kissed!"

"Perhaps you misunderstood me," Sheldon insisted. "I believe I directly specified that I am not remotely ready or anxious to partake in kissing with Amy Farrah Fowler." He shook his head as though ridding himself of a fly and crossed his arms.

Penny stood silently staring at him for a long moment, one hand on her hip and the other on her head. She grimaced, knowing that she couldn't take back what she was about to say.

"Do you… I guess… Would you like to try it once and see what you think?"

Sheldon's look of awe in response to Penny's words was enough to answer her question.

"I suppose… if I try it with you, then I will know for certain whether or not I'm ready to engage in such activity within the confines of my Relationship Agreement." Sheldon nodded firmly, then said quickly, "I'll be right back with the bag of oral hygiene supplies."

As soon as he'd gone, Penny stood in the living room alone, too anxious to sit down. To what, exactly, had she just agreed? She'd basically whored herself out, in a manner of speaking, to help Sheldon soul-search his way either into Amy's good graces or into perpetual bachelorhood.

* * *

**The Osculation Conundrum**

* * *

*_Knock, knock, knock*_

_"Penny!"_

*_Knock, knock, knock*_

_"Penny!"_

*_Knock, knock, knock*_

_"Penny!"_

Penny sighed. Why on Earth did she put up with his strangeness? He knew full well that she was just inside the door, in the living room, yet, he felt the compulsion to knock.

"Come on in. It's open." Penny said it rather quietly, but she knew Sheldon could hear her just fine with his Vulcan senses.

The door opened and shut quickly as Sheldon re-entered unceremoniously. Penny took a moment to survey him as she inhaled nervously.

He had changed out of his pajamas and was now wearing a black t-shirt that said "Onomatopoeia!" in comic book lettering with an explosive graphic surrounding it. Under the t-shirt, he wore a red waffle knit thermal shirt. The two shirts, though layered, clung to his wiry frame. His brown chinos clashed with the black of his t-shirt, but that just exemplified the eccentricity that Sheldon unintentionally expressed.

Honestly, Penny couldn't help herself from swallowing a knot in her throat at the sight of him. Was she perverted, or something? She was inexplicably attracted to the very characteristics that made him come across as peculiar and juvenile.

In Sheldon's hand, he clutched a plastic zipped traveling case, which he held up. "To the sink!" he said triumphantly, pointing to the bathroom.

Penny smirked. She followed him through the bathroom door. He proceeded to unpack and spread out his myriad oral hygiene supplies, carefully pouring Listerine into Dixie cups and placing two tubes of Crest Pro-Health toothpaste on the counter, as well as a little yellow box of Arm and Hammer baking soda.

Penny did as Sheldon commanded as they carried out his quirky routine.

"Now, Penny, be sure to brush vigorously until this timer goes off," Sheldon insisted, setting the timer on his phone. Penny did. When they were done brushing and buffing and scraping and rinsing, her mouth felt so tingly and clean that she couldn't stop running her slippery tongue over her slick teeth.

She flashed him a toothy grin. "Better?" she asked as seductively as she could.

Sheldon smiled nervously back at her. "We should proceed to a comfortable environment before bacteria and halitosis have a chance to resurface."

Penny scrunched her eyebrows but followed him into her bedroom, where he stared at the bed like it was a futuristic piece of technology he didn't know how to use.

"Um… shall I… be seated?" he asked tentatively.

Penny flopped hastily onto the bed and patted the spot next to her. "Come sit by me, MoonPie," she said. Sheldon looked so uncertain and, frankly, fearful, that Penny knew she'd have to lead this dance.

He eased himself onto the comforter, and Penny thanked the great I Am that she had remembered to make her bed this morning – not a usual practice for her. Now, she sat close to Sheldon on the bedspread and wondered if she was invading his precious personal space. She was near enough to him to smell the talc and soap on his skin. It was a pleasant aroma, not intimidating - rather comforting.

"So…" Penny slapped her knees and gulped awkwardly.

"I think I should like to kiss you now," Sheldon said abruptly. "Please, Penny, do forgive my utter lack of experience and aptitude."

"Oh, Sheldon, I'm sure you'll be -" Penny waved off his self-deprecation before she was cut off by the warm, soft feeling of a palm on each cheek.

He was looking at her with a sort of primal hunger. The primitive look in his blue eyes indicated precisely the sort of thing he was supposed to be above… after all, wasn't he _homo novus_? Wasn't he above humanity's baser instincts? But, no… there was no mistaking the glint in his gaze.

Penny let her eyelids fall as she relished the soft feel of Sheldon's palms on her cheeks. A moment later, she felt a gentle pressure on her lips as his mouth met hers. Her eyes sprang open; she looked cross-eyed at Sheldon's anxious face and reached to snake her hands around the back of his head.

He kissed her again, their mouths not opening and his lips just softly pushing against Penny's. She let out a little sound of "Mmm…" completely involuntarily. The sound came from deep in her ribcage and vibrated against Sheldon's lips.

He inhaled deeply and sighed, his lips curling up into a little smile and his hand beginning to stroke Penny's cheek. She decided it was time to push his prudish boundaries. She parted her lips when he next approached and slipped her tongue out of her mouth. She swept it over his pillowy lips and gripped his head more desperately.

Penny wasn't certain how she'd expected Sheldon to react. Aversion? Disgust? She was, at least, certain that he'd flinch or recoil. Instead, he murmured, almost inaudibly, her name. It was the sweetest sound she'd ever heard.

"Penny…"

It was a sort of soft whisper, a plea. It was a prayer from a man who did not pray.

This time, when their lips met, his tongue meandered out of his mouth, as well. His movement was tentative, questioning, and adorably bashful. In the instant where Penny's tongue met Sheldon's and began a clumsy, jejune dance, their breaths quickened and synchronized. Penny's fingers clenched on Sheldon's scalp, and his tightened on her cheeks. He did not dare move his hands from their safe place on her face – he didn't venture to caress her figure or explore her physique. Not yet, anyway.

Their tongues got more comfortable with one another as the kiss progressed. Penny endeavored to survey Sheldon's mouth and found it delightfully clean, minty, and slick. She distractedly wondered what he was thinking but then tried to focus on her own experience.

He was warm. That was what stuck out to Penny most obviously in that moment – his warmth. Usually, Sheldon was ostensibly frigid, eschewing human contact and niceties. Right now, though, his hands radiated heat into her skin and his tongue and mouth were deliciously searing.

Penny moaned again, unable to help herself. Sheldon, theretofore mostly mute except for his frenetic breathing, now uttered a little groan. After what was simultaneously an eternity and a too-brief instant, he pulled his mouth away.

Penny emitted a little sound of protest when he left her and dropped his hands from her cheeks to his lap. She looked at him with nothing but kindheartedness and smiled weakly.

"That was nice, Sheldon," she assured him, nodding. "Very, very nice."

"Thank you for your encouraging evaluation. I concur that the experience was oddly and unexpectedly rewarding. I think I should like to duplicate the results on another occasion." He smirked pompously at her.

"Not so fast, MoonPie," Penny held up her finger in warning. "You have a girlfriend. You need to be kissing _her."_

Sheldon shook his head rather sadly and stared at his hands in his lap. "I don't think the experience would elicit the same physiological or emotional reaction with a different participant," he stated in a small voice.

"You don't think you'd like kissing her," Penny rephrased, and Sheldon nodded almost imperceptibly. "But… you liked kissing me…?" Penny led, and Sheldon nodded again, raising his vibrant blue eyes to meet hers.

"I'm afraid," he postulated, "that Amy's ultimatum will remain unfulfilled."

Penny chuckled darkly under her breath and patted Sheldon's knee comfortingly. "There, there," she said in a light-hearted taunt of Sheldon's historically weak attempts at consolation. Sheldon did not seem to register the reference.

"Penny…" Sheldon started to say, but then his mouth dangled open like a fish for a moment before he thought better of what he was going to say, and sighed. He glanced down at his lap again, nervously locking his fingers over his brown chinos.

"What is it, MoonPie?" Penny asked, striping her fingers across Sheldon's scalp. He shut his eyes tightly and pursed his lips at her touch.

"I find myself… I am in a rather uncomfortable situation." Sheldon cleared his throat and Penny smirked to herself, amused. Sheldon gulped and continued, "Here I sit bearing all conventional physical manifestations of human male arousal, yet I am both unwilling and, theoretically, unable, to engage in the act of coitus – to resolve said manifestations."

"You don't want to have sex," Penny clarified. "I know that, honey." She tipped her head to the side and smiled warmly into his sapphire eyes. "We can just stop here. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"I would like an orgasm to relieve the light-headed sort of wooziness resulting from sudden and massive blood flow to a certain sexual organ." Sheldon flattened his mouth into a straight line, annoyed. Penny grinned wider.

"Got a hard-on, sweetie?" she asked bluntly. "That's okay… you can use my shower and fix it."

Sheldon scanned his eyes up and down Penny's torso, which was covered only by a thin lavender cotton camisole. She wore red cotton shorts that resembled boxers, and her flaxen hair was tied into a topknot on her crown.

Acutely self-aware and insecure, Penny licked her lips and cleared her throat. "Or," she began tentatively, "you know, Sheldon, there are _lots_ of ways to get off that don't require a… um… fluid exchange."

Sheldon furrowed his brow and tipped his head. "Enlighten me," he challenged her.

"Well, I could use my hand on you," she suggested aimlessly, throwing up her hands and shrugging.

Sheldon bit his bottom lip. "That sounds messy," he noted.

"What about… you know…" Penny scrunched her face and said with some hesitation, "Rubbing, with clothes on? Dry humping?"

Sheldon looked like she'd given him something of a revelation. "Oh, frottage?" he asked, always one to use the technical term. He shrugged more casually than Penny would have expected and nodded. "I believe I would be amenable to that option. Frottage provides the additional benefit of probable mutual gratification."

Penny smirked again. "Well… okay, then," she said in a bubbly but shaking voice, taking a deep breath. "Why don't you lay down on your back?"

Sheldon looked mildly puzzled by the proposition. "I was led to believe that a typical sexual position is one in which the _female_ lies on her back and the male takes his place atop her."

"This is another option," Penny said simply. "Lay down."

Sheldon obliged, stretching his lanky length onto Penny's girly bedspread. He folded his hands over his crotch again, attempting to hide the evidence of his erection. Penny gently tugged his hands away and marveled at the size of the bulge. Sheldon was tall, and by the looks of things, he was only serving to perpetuate the rumors and stereotypes regarding a correlation between height and size.

Sheldon looked meekly at Penny, his self-consciousness evident in his azure eyes. Penny just smiled gently, leaning down to plant a soft kiss on his forehead.

She reached her hand down slowly, trying not to make any sudden moves, as she planted a few more pecks on Sheldon's cheeks and neck. Her fingers met the material of his pants, and she ghosted them over the bulge, more cautiously than she'd have thought she could.

Sheldon gasped at the sensation of her fingers through the fabric. Penny smothered his gasp with a kiss, and their tongues entangled again as she very unhurriedly swung her left knee across Sheldon's body and planted it on the bedspread so that she was straddling him. She rested her elbows beside Sheldon's shoulders and touched the tip of her nose to his before letting her lips fall to the sinewy side of his neck. She kept her hips elevated above his and began to kiss his neck, gently and teasingly. She lapped her tongue flat against his skin, marveling at how clean he smelled and tasted.

She could hear his ragged breathing, sounding remarkably uncontrolled for a man so meticulous as Dr. Sheldon Cooper. After a moment, her name escaped his lips again, this time sounding like a desperate query.

"Penny…?"

"Mm hmm?" Penny replied, greedily suckling at his tender skin. She traced her mouth across his Adam's Apple and onto his collarbone. She felt like the Big Ol' Five she'd confessed to being. She felt the feather-light touch of Sheldon's hands on her waist and then heard him ask,

"May I touch you, please?"

Penny came up for air, holding herself up on her elbows and meeting Sheldon's inquisitive cerulean eyes. She grinned.

"Put your hands wherever you want to, MoonPie."

Sheldon squeezed his hands a little tighter around her middle, urging her to lower her pelvis. Penny smirked gleefully. His ignoble human instincts were taking over. Though he was putting up a valiant effort to stay composed, his rickety breaths and the trembling in his hands gave him away.

Penny, for her part, felt an agreeably intense sensation spreading throughout her body – warmth and tingling that seemed to flow through her veins and target her nether-regions.

She hissed with excitement when her pelvis was lowered to meet Sheldon's. The feel of his unyielding bulge against her sensitized entrance was enough to send her head spinning. Penny pulled her torso upright and knelt straddling Sheldon. She reached for his hands and clasped over them as they gripped her body.

Slowly and deliberately, she began swiveling her hips, dipping her body to grind against Sheldon. She watched as his blue irises disappeared behind tightly squinted eyelids. His face twisted into a contortion of bliss and agony.

"Penny…" he murmured, his voice little more than a low growl.

"Mmm… Dr. Cooper…" Penny wasn't sure what made her call him that. To be certain, one of the most appealing characteristics of Leonard had been his intelligence, and Sheldon was probably twice as smart as Leonard. She knew she was ego-stoking, too. She always called him 'MoonPie' and 'honey' and 'sweetie.' Those terms, while well-intentioned, had the potential of sounding somewhat condescending. In an unconscious effort to avoid being patronizing, something inside Penny had triggered the honorific.

"Dr. Cooper…" she whispered again.

Sheldon's response was immediate and forceful. He groaned and pulled Penny's hips down more firmly against his bulge. Once she had established a rhythm of grinding against him fervently, he snaked his hands up her torso until they rested on her chest. His long, thin fingers tentatively explored her breasts, which were covered by the lavender camisole. Penny was tempted to remove the shirt. She knew Sheldon would like the view, but she didn't want to push things and make him uncomfortable.

Penny continued to grind, and Sheldon continued to grow beneath her. His erection twitched within its confines and was extraordinarily firm. Penny's own breath became more ragged as the minutes passed. The stimulation was making her sopping wet, saturating her panties and seeping her nectar through to her cotton shorts. She was close to a climax – she could feel the knot in her stomach growing tighter and tighter, and her vertigo increased. She leaned back down to kiss Sheldon's silky lips and found his mouth ready to welcome her.

She stroked him everywhere she could – his elegantly muscled shoulders, his slender neck, his clean-shaven cheeks – every place she could reach felt the graze of her quivering fingers.

She felt Sheldon buck his hips up against hers, hard, and he moaned deeply into Penny's mouth. Within seconds, his hips thrust again, his hands frantically seizing Penny's waist to keep her body locked against his. Sheldon whimpered once more into the kiss, his cry vibrating against Penny's lips as his hips bucked a third time.

It was too much for Penny. Up to that point, she had been thoroughly convinced that simultaneous orgasms were a construct of the pornographic film industry. However, she had been so built up that it was Sheldon's reaction to his climax that had pushed her over the edge and triggered her own completion.

Penny pulled her mouth off of Sheldon's and let out a few guttural, choked noises and gasps. Her elbows gave out and she collapsed onto Sheldon's chest, her ear pressed against his damp t-shirt. From her spot flush against him, she could hear the frenetic pounding of his heart.

Penny panted, desperately trying to get air as she fizzled down from her high. The room slowly stopped its perilous whirling and the trembling subsided. Her nether-regions felt drenched, though she wasn't sure whether they were wet with her own fluids or if Sheldon's had soaked through his pants.

Penny hauled herself off of Sheldon, rolling onto the bed beside him. Sheldon's shining blue eyes were locked on the ceiling, and his breath was barely perceptible. As Penny slid off him, Sheldon's hands slipped down and landed as dead weight with a _thud_ on the bedspread.

Penny knelt beside him and pressed her palm against his chest to feel his heartbeat through the sweat-soaked fabric.

"Well… these pants are ruined," Sheldon lamented, and Penny chuckled with grim lack of surprise. Of _course_ the first thing he said in a situation like this would be an observational comment.

"Don't worry, sweetie. That'll come right out in the laundry. I'll wash them for you today, if you'd like." Penny patted his chest comfortingly, and Sheldon's eyes swept over to meet hers. He cocked one of his eyebrows.

"It's the middle of the week. We don't do our laundry until Saturday."

Penny squashed a smirk. "It's okay, MoonPie. I'll make a special trip."

Sheldon glanced down at himself and sighed, annoyed. "I can't simply saunter across the hall and into my apartment covered in… this…" He gestured indignantly at his pants, where the sticky liquid had darkened a patch of fabric.

"Well, why don't you jump in the shower, and I'll run across the hall and grab you a new outfit?" Penny suggested.

Sheldon looked skeptical. "Very well," he said after a long moment.

When Penny returned a few minutes later, she clutched a cobalt blue thermal shirt, a white t-shirt that said "Luke, I am Your Father," a pair of tighty-whities, and dark plaid pants. Penny viewed the outfit as exceedingly unfashionable, but she knew it was something Sheldon would choose.

The shower was running when Penny stepped into her living room. She changed her own clothes and sat down on the couch to wait for Sheldon. She flipped on the television and half-watched as Phoebe sang "Smelly Cat" on an old syndicated episode of _Friends_.

Penny didn't realize she was off in La-La Land until the bathroom door squeaked as Sheldon pushed it open. Penny glanced over to the sound, not realizing the shower had been shut off. In the bathroom doorway, Sheldon stood looking so attractive Penny nearly squealed like a tween.

His hair, which he had towel-dried, stood on end in spiky resplendence atop his head. His chest and arms were bare, and Penny's towel was wrapped around his hips. Penny could see the faint "treasure trail" leading down his stomach, and she gulped.

For an instant, she had a mental image of him padding quickly across the living room, unraveling the towel as he swept Penny up in a kiss and embrace – then ravishing her body mercilessly.

"Penny?"

She jolted back to reality to see Sheldon standing a few feet away from her, looking quizzical. Even from here, she could smell her soap on his skin.

"Hmm?" Penny asked absently, tearing her eyes from Sheldon's body up to his face.

His piercing blue eyes looked slightly irritated. "May I have my clothes now, please?"

Penny glanced down to realize she was gripping Sheldon's clothes tightly in her hands.

"Oh… of course, Sheldon. Here you go." She handed them over, gulping as he stepped closer.

"Thank you," he said as a matter of protocol, before walking briskly away from her back into the privacy of the bathroom to change.

After the door shut behind him, Penny buried her face in her hands and sighed, her breath shaky. The too-familiar burn of tears tickled her eyes, and she whimpered slightly to herself. What the _hell_ was she doing? She was nothing but a slutty home-wrecker, she told herself with derision.

Well, Penny thought with a smirk, if nothing else, she had given herself plenty of fodder for her participation in Amy's experiment.

* * *

** The Laundry Discomfiture**

* * *

Though Sheldon found himself notably distracted in the days following his encounter with Penny, he stuck to his prescribed routine – his "rut," as his friends called it derisively.

When Saturday inevitably rolled around, he carried his laundry downstairs and popped quarters into the machine. As ordered by the signs in the room, he did not leave his laundry unattended. Rather, he sat in one of the small plastic chairs and flipped through a recent issue of _The Flash_. At 8:35, Penny entered the room. It was the first time Sheldon had seen her in days – since, in fact, he had walked out of her apartment after being intimate with her.

"Hello, Penny," Sheldon said in greeting, though he knew his voice sounded strained.

"Hi, Sheldon."

He watched with his usual horror as Penny dumped all her laundry into one machine and poured an indiscriminate amount of powder on top. She slammed the lid shut and started the machine, sighing and leaning back against it. She drummed her fingers awkwardly on the lid and inhaled sharply before saying,

"So, Sheldon, I'm sorry that we haven't talked over the last few days…"

Sheldon didn't look up from his comic book. "It's quite all right, Penny. I've been very busy."

"Yeah. Me, too," Penny asserted. "I've worked every day. Plus, I've had that stupid experiment…"

Sheldon glanced out the corner of his eye to see that Penny's cheeks had reddened deeply. She puffed out her cheeks and exhaled, turning away to face the machine.

Sheldon smirked to himself. He decided to press his luck.

"And how is that going?" he asked. "The experiment?"

"Oh…" Penny began, her voice tight, "It's fine. I'd… rather not discuss that. Anyway… it's almost Christmas!"

"Ah, yes. The annual commemoration of Saturnalia," Sheldon said snidely. He did so loathe the modern, commercial bastardization of the pagan holiday – not that he had any particular soft spot for the original feast. "I suppose I must prepare for the reciprocal gift-giving."

Penny grinned. "I've got the perfect present for you."

"I doubt you'll ever be able to match or top the gift of Leonard Nimoy's DNA, Penny," Sheldon shook his head.

"You just wait and see, MoonPie."

"Only my MeeMaw calls me… aw, Hell." Sheldon gave up. It was no use. Just like he'd never get Penny to stop touching him, he'd never get her to stop calling him MoonPie.

"Any luck with Amy?" Penny asked, taking a step away from the washing machine. Sheldon shut the comic book and set it down in his lap. He met Penny's eyes for the first time.

"You'll have to be more specific," he said.

"Have you kissed her?" Penny raised her golden eyebrows.

Sheldon shook his head no. "I have not," he informed her.

Penny exhaled sharply, half-smiled, and tipped her head to the side.

"Why not, honey?" she asked. "She's in love with you, you know. She wants you."

Sheldon did not smile back at her. "That is of little consequence to me," he informed her.

"Yeah, I know," Penny said sadly. They were silent for a long moment. It was so awkward even Sheldon felt it. Even he sensed the intense ungainliness of the moment, and he was not at all surprised when Penny cleared her throat and said, "I'm going to run to the restroom real quick. Will you please, um, 'attend' my clothes?"

With that, she walked quickly from the room. In one fluid motion, Sheldon rose from his chair and reached for Penny's arm. He caught her in such a way that when she took another step, his pull forced her to turn back toward him. She whirled to face him, and Sheldon reached his other hand to gently hold her shoulder.

Penny gasped as her chest met Sheldon's. She stopped breathing altogether when his long fingers touched her cheek and his soft lips soothingly met hers for a brief moment.

"Sheldon…"

Penny's head was spinning. She didn't want to admit it to herself or to Sheldon, but she'd thought of little besides him the past few days. She'd fingered herself into oblivion with thoughts of him at her experimental session. She'd done it a few times since then, too.

Memories of him humping her (with his clothes on) and fantasies of him (without his clothes on) had haunted her mind in the time she'd been without him. Now she stood wrapped up in his arms, his face inches from hers, and she felt distinctly out of control of herself. His clean scent - soap and talc - overwhelmed her senses. The sleeves of his thermal tee were rolled up, revealing his tightly muscled forearms. It was too much.

Penny pulled herself away from Sheldon and looked at the ceiling, the floor – anywhere but his vibrant blue eyes. She held her hands up as if to reject his advances and took a step in reverse, feeling the cold, hard resistance of a washing machine against her back.

"I… I have to go," she insisted. "I'll see you later, Sheldon."

Without another word or glance, she strode quickly from the laundry room.

She watched "I Dream of Jeannie" on her television for an hour and a half before she heard his OCD knock on her door.

"It's open," she murmured, just loudly enough for him to hear.

The door creaked open and there he stood, holding her basket of clothes, which appeared to have been neatly pleated using his special folding device.

"You abandoned your laundry," Sheldon informed her. "Never fear; I moved it to the dryer and folded it when it was done. I also ironed your work shirts – a habit which, I must say, I would recommend in the future as I have frequently observed wrinkles in those mustard yellow tops."

Penny pursed her lips.

"Thank you, Sheldon."

"You're very welcome, Penny. Shall I put them away?"

Penny shut her eyes and sighed. Why did he have to be so flawed and yet so damned _perfect_?

"No, thank you, honey. I can do that."

She stood, sniffled and straightened her low side ponytail, and marched over to Sheldon to take the basket of clothes.

"Thanks. You can go ahead and, um… go home."

She knew that sounded bitchy, and she saw the hurt in Sheldon's eyes. However, she couldn't be any more polite. She was having difficulty being around him and controlling herself right now, and Amy's ultimatum was still not up.

Penny walked past Sheldon into her bedroom and began hastily shoving clothes into drawers. Sheldon followed her and clasped his hands together anxiously.

"Penny," he said, with apprehension lacing his voice, "I do apologize if I made you uncomfortable in the laundry room. I assure you that it was not my intent to do so."

"I know, honey," Penny said, smiling sadly at him. "It's just… you're still with Amy, you know? It isn't right to go around kissing other girls."

"But, Penny, you aren't just 'another girl.' You're _you_. You're _special._ Don't you know that?"

He said it so matter-of-factly, with such poker-faced certainty, that Penny knew he meant it. It was one of the sweetest things anyone had ever said to her, and tears came burning to the surface faster than she could will them away. She swiped angrily at her eyes, crossly tossing a shirt into her drawer and leaning onto her elbows.

"Have I said something wrong?" Sheldon asked quietly, stepping up behind Penny. He sounded innocent, like he honestly hadn't the slightest as to what the implications of his words were.

"You really don't know, do you?" Penny demanded tearfully.

"No. I have no idea what to say in this situation," Sheldon admitted.

"Only, you've said _exactly the right thing_, Sheldon, just…" Penny turned to look him in the eye, knowing that her cheeks were red and blotchy. "You've said it to the _wrong girl._"

Sheldon looked confused.

"How can that be?" he asked. "What I mean to say, Penny, is this: although our personalities often clash and we have many differences, I believe that we are a demonstrable model of the 'opposites attract' idea. Additionally, I can confidently state that you trigger physical reactions in me that have heretofore been nonexistent."

Penny grinned slyly to herself as she continued to put away clothes. She heaved slightly from crying.

"Oh, sweetie. You need to get your romantic life figured out," she informed him, shaking her head. "You can't be a bigamist. Sorry."

"I know," Sheldon said. "Though, the prohibition against bigamy is strictly a social construct."

Startling them both, Sheldon's iPhone began ringing in his pocket. He took the phone out and stared at the screen, a bewildered look crossing his face.

"It's Amy!" he said.

"Answer it!" Penny ordered.

Sheldon swiped his screen. "Hello, Amy."

Penny could just barely make out the other half of the conversation because Sheldon was standing so close to her.

"Hi." Amy's voice sounded morose. "I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. I would like to meet in person to discuss the matter."

A confused look crossed Sheldon's face. "Amy, you can't break up with me yet. Your ultimatum does not expire for another forty-two hours."

"Sheldon, the fact that you have not yet acted on the conditions of the ultimatum leads me to very strongly suspect that you have no intention of doing so. Furthermore, I have no wish to discuss this over the phone. I believe it to be uncouth to do so. Please, can we meet in person?" Amy sounded exasperated.

Sheldon looked at Penny with quizzical eyes. Penny shrugged helplessly.

"When did you want to meet?" Sheldon asked, his voice raising in pitch.

"As soon as reasonably possible," Amy requested. "I can be at your apartment in approximately fifteen minutes."

Penny sat on her couch with a pint of Salted Caramel Truffle ice cream, eating more of it than she intended to, and prayed to the great I Am that Amy and Sheldon's relationship was disintegrating in Apartment 4A. She knew that that was wrong of her, very wrong indeed, but she couldn't help herself. She didn't even have the television turned on. She was too anxious.

So, when, two hours after he'd left, Sheldon knocked on her door again, Penny leapt from her couch to open the door and saw him looking positively gleeful.

"What happened?" Penny asked, her mouth full of ice cream. It came out more like, 'Wha-ah-en?'

"May I come in, please?" Sheldon asked. Penny nodded and held the door open. She knew she looked messy and sloppy. She had on Uggs and sweat-shorts, a tank top, her hair in pigtail braids. Sheldon looked much more put together.

Sheldon made himself at home, moving into Penny's messy kitchen to begin making himself a cup of herbal tea.

"Well," he began at once, "Amy asked if there was someone else in whom I was interested; if that was why I didn't want to kiss her."

"Oh, God." Penny's heart sank. She clapped a hand over her face and began hyperventilating. Her friendship with Amy was over.

"Before you jump to a conclusion, Penny, please note that I successfully _lied_ to her," Sheldon said with some degree of pride. "You see, I told her that I was something of an asexual creature with no semblance of desire."

"And that's not true?" Penny pressed.

"You know it isn't," Sheldon said condescendingly, putting the kettle of water on the burner. "You know I have desire for _you._ However, I knew it would hurt her feelings to know that, and Leonard has informed me that hurt feelings are indeed a relevant factor in situations such as this."

"Leonard's right," Penny admitted, taking a seat on the couch for fear she'd faint.

"Anyway," Sheldon continued breathlessly, "Amy told me that, for her, there _is_ someone else – Stuart. She said that Stuart has shown an interest in her physically. I admit that I have had jealous feelings regarding Stuart and Amy in the past, but… no longer, I'm afraid. So, I gave her my blessing."

Penny frowned. Amy and Stuart? Penny thought that Amy should be with Leonard. If Amy was with Stuart, with whom would Leonard be? He couldn't be all alone… that just made a knot form in Penny's stomach, and that wasn't all right at all.

Penny put her head in her hands.

"What's the matter?" she heard Sheldon ask. "I thought you would be happy."

"I should be," Penny admitted, "but I feel guilty about Leonard. Maybe I should get back together with him."

There was silence then, for a very long moment, and when Penny looked up at last, Sheldon was staring at her.

"I think I should be quite sad indeed if you did that," Sheldon said very quietly.

"You can't have it both ways, Sheldon," Penny insisted. "You can't have me to yourself and not claim me."

"I know." Sheldon stared down at his tea. "You know, I don't think I'll drink this. I don't have time." He looked at the clock, which read 12:20 a.m. "It's far past my bedtime. I never stay up this late. My REM cycle will be horribly disrupted. I need to go home and go to bed."

He put away all the tea-making supplies and walked to stand in front of the couch. Bending down, he planted a gentle kiss on Penny's forehead.

"Good night, Penny," he said fleetingly, and walked quickly out the door.

After he'd gone, Penny collapsed sideways onto the couch and sighed heavily.

"Good night, MoonPie," she whispered.

* * *

** The Zenith Arrangement**

* * *

Penny never would have expected to do what she was doing – never in a million years. Yet, there she was, slipping her 'emergency' key into the lock of Apartment 4A at 2:15 in the morning.

In the nearly two hours since Sheldon had left, Penny had paced anxiously around her apartment, tossed and turned in bed, and taken a long, hot shower. None of it had made her sufficiently tired. Instead, she was facing internal turmoil about Sheldon's break-up with Amy.

She was still fuzzy on the details. Amy had the hots for Stuart, and had therefore let Sheldon go? All because Amy felt that it was hopeless to hold out for Sheldon's affections? Penny felt herself roiled with guilt at that – at the thought that she'd taken up Sheldon's attentions, away from his "legitimate" girlfriend.

But, then, why couldn't _she_, Penny, be the "legitimate" target of his affection? Was her guilt really directed more toward Leonard? And, if so, what could she really do about it? The whole reason she'd left Leonard was that she didn't feel as strongly toward him as he did toward her. Sure, she got a stirring in her loins every once in a while for him, but she wasn't magnetically drawn to his personality the way that she mysteriously was drawn to Sheldon. Leonard was… well, Leonard. He was a tad unremarkable, at least when compared to the intellectual tempest that was Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper.

Well, that was a little mean, maybe…

Penny pushed the front door of Apartment 4A open and tiptoed inside. She wore pajamas that were, perhaps, a bit too provocative for the occasion. They were a pale powdery pink, made of shiny satin with metallic gold lace trim. Tight little shorts clung to her butt, and Penny wore no undergarments. The camisole was low-cut and short to show a bit of her toned midriff. Her wavy blonde hair hung loose around her shoulders.

Penny walked as quietly as she could through the living room, having shut the door silently behind her. She headed down the hall toward Sheldon's room, looking at Leonard's closed door with a bit of sadness.

Sheldon's door was unlocked, but Penny knew she'd have to be careful in waking him. He was prone to yelling, 'Danger! Danger!' upon being frightened awake, and the _last_ thing Penny needed right now was to have Leonard come marching into Sheldon's room and find Penny scantily clad.

She opened and shut Sheldon's door as quietly as possible and tip-toed over to his bed. Sheldon lay on his back in the middle of his bed, the blankets tucked around his body to make him look something like a mummy. Penny knelt beside the bed and reached over with her hand to pet his hair very gently. She began humming, so quietly she could barely hear her own voice, the tune of "Soft Kitty."

She paused, and Sheldon picked up where she left off.

"Happy kitty, sleepy kitty. Purr, purr, purr. Mama, is that you?" His eyes were still shut, and his voice was adorably childlike.

"No, honey," Penny whispered, continuing to pet his hair. "It's me, Penny."

"Penny," Sheldon repeated, nodding. He yawned. Very slowly, his eyes opened a crack and the corners of his lips curled up. For a moment, Penny wasn't sure whether or not he was awake, but then he said, "No one's supposed to be in my room, Penny." Suddenly his voice sounded significantly more awake and adult.

"I know, sweetie. I can't sleep. I'm sorry."

Sheldon slid to his right and peeled back the blanket. "I will make an exception on this one occasion," he whispered, "provided you don't try any 'funny business.'"

"Cross my heart," Penny swore, climbing into the bed with Sheldon. She shivered slightly in the cool nighttime air. Sheldon wore flannel pajamas and slept beneath a substantial comforter, so her flimsy satin set did little for her.

As if he'd read her mind, Sheldon whispered, "Your nightwear seems woefully inadequate for this time of year."

"Don't you know when a girl's trying to dress sexy for you?" Penny susurrated, grinning at him through the darkness.

Sheldon frowned and pulled out one of his pillows for Penny. "It would seem," he postulated, "that it would be more effective to wear seasonally appropriate garments and then remove them, thus rendering oneself desirably nude."

Penny stifled a giggle. "Is that what you want, Dr. Cooper? You want me nude?" She reached for his hand and placed it on her thigh, which was exposed by the thin, diminutive shorts.

"Penny!" Sheldon hissed angrily, snatching his hand away as if he'd touched something red-hot. "You promised no 'funny business.'"

"Okay, honey. I'm very sorry," Penny said, though she didn't even sort of mean it. She turned on her side, away from Sheldon, and tucked her hand beneath her head. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped the blanket around her. "Good night, MoonPie," she said, this time actually saying it to Sheldon instead of to herself.

Sheldon wordlessly spooned against her, wrapping an arm around her torso and interlacing his fingers with hers. Penny could feel his warm breath against her hair and could feel his body heat against her skin. She smiled happily to herself when she heard him whisper,

"Good night, Penny."

It didn't take her long at all to fall asleep. Her dream was bizarre. She was running through a forest in the rain – running fast and breathing hard.

"_Sheldon?" she was shouting. "Sheldon?"_

"_Penny?" His voice was far-off and echoing. "Where are you?"_

"_Can you hear me, Sheldon?" Penny continued to run and searched everywhere. She ran out of breath, tripped on a thick tree branch, and fell._

"_Sheldon!" Penny yelled as she tumbled to the ground. As she brushed herself off and stood up, she gasped. Directly in front of her, having appeared out of nowhere, was Leonard, wearing a jester's costume. Leonard pointed to his right._

"_He's over there," Leonard said._

Then, Penny woke up, startled.

It was obvious what the dream meant, but that didn't make it any less upsetting. Penny had jolted awake, and she glanced at the clock next to her to see that it was 5:02 a.m.

Maybe, she thought, she should sneak out of the apartment now and go home before Leonard woke up made the sneaking-out part that much more difficult.

Deciding that that was a very good idea, Penny peeled back the blanket and sheets and started to pull herself out of bed. However, in doing so, she apparently woke Sheldon, and he whispered from behind her,

"Where are you going, Penny?"

"Home," she said simply.

"Why?" he asked. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"You could say that," Penny answered.

"Yes," he said, "I rather thought you had. You were murmuring my name repeatedly, and you sounded distressed."

"Oh, honey…" Penny turned to face Sheldon. "I'm sorry." She stood beside the bed, and Sheldon pulled himself up onto his elbow. He reached with one hand to tuck her hair behind her ear.

"I _would_ claim you," Sheldon said somewhat incongruously, and it took Penny a moment to think what the blazes he was talking about. Then, she realized he was referencing their much earlier conversation, when she'd told him he couldn't have it both ways – that he couldn't have her to himself and not claim her.

"You would, would you?" Penny asked with a smirk. She placed her hand over his.

"If I knew that you wanted me back," Sheldon continued.

Penny sighed and glanced at the clock again. "Will you come over to my place so we can talk, please?" she asked. Sheldon nodded eagerly.

The two of them slithered out of Sheldon's room and into the hallway, then through the living room and out the main door. They entered Penny's apartment and shut the door behind them, each sighing deeply with relief when they could finally speak without whispering.

"You know," Penny said, at last using her regular voice, "I'll admit, Sheldon, I thought maybe I ought to get back with Leonard. I felt guilty. But that dream did nothing if not convince me that I'm supposed to be with you."

"What did you dream?" Sheldon asked. "Not that I'm particularly convinced that dreams have meanings, mind you. Dreams are little more than the residual workings of the consciousness. They bear very little psychological significance."

"Yeah, well… I think you might change your mind on that theory if you knew what I'd dreamed." Penny explained her strange reverie to Sheldon, and he nodded slowly.

"And, anyway, I realized that while what I told you still stands, that it applies to me, too," Penny said. "I can't be messing around with you and pining over Leonard. I need to choose. And, well… I choose you. For good. Leonard needs to move on. I don't love him. If I did, I wouldn't have left him."

Sheldon nodded.

"And if you'd loved Amy, you wouldn't have let her go. Right?" Penny looked hopeful.

"That seems fair," Sheldon confirmed. "As I asserted earlier, Penny, I would have you for my own, if you would consent."

"Of course I do, Sheldon, but I don't think we should be terribly open about that right now," Penny told him. "I think it would only hurt people's feelings."

Sheldon nodded. "Of course you're right," he agreed. "It will have to be 'our little secret' for the time being."

Penny scowled. She didn't like the idea of being secretive with Sheldon. She didn't like the idea of hiding her relationship with anyone from her friends, but she_really, truly_ did not like the notion of pretending she wasn't head over heels for Sheldon. She'd have to listen to Amy talk about how she was conflicted over leaving Sheldon for Stuart. She'd have to deal with Leonard trying to win her back. She'd have to pretend to be completely platonic – confrontational, even – around Sheldon in public. It didn't seem fair. However, Sheldon was right. It was the only way.

Penny yawned. Her head was spinning from the sheer weight of it all. Plus, she'd only slept a few hours, and, for her, this was essentially the middle of the night.

"I'm going to go to bed, MoonPie," she said groggily. "I'll see ya later." She started toward her bedroom, padding across the floor with heavy feet.

"Wait… Penny?" Sheldon's voice was meek.

"Mmhmm?" Penny kept shuffling toward her bed.

"Even if it's a secret, are we… a couple? I'm referring, of course, to the social construct of the word." Sheldon sounded somewhat ashamed of himself.

Penny turned around. She looked at Sheldon, standing in her living room in his red plaid pajamas, hands folded in front of him, eyes full of hope. She smiled.

"Honey," she said gently, "I was your first _real_ kiss, right? We got to second base together, right? I don't take that stuff lightly in my life anymore. I really, genuinely don't. So… yes, Sheldon. I would say we're a couple. In the social construct of the word." She turned to continue to bed.

"Penny?"

"Mmhmm?"

"I'm very fond of you," Sheldon murmured, and Penny grinned to herself as she heard the embarrassment in his voice. She knew it had taken a lot for him to say that.

She turned back around and nodded. "The feeling's mutual. Will you come lie down with me… until I fall asleep?"

Sheldon looked a little confused. "I have to be up in an hour," he said. Penny shot him a suggestive look. "Ohhh…" he nodded more knowingly, and followed her into her bedroom.

Penny knelt down on her bed and patted her rumpled blanket, prompting Sheldon to join her. He did, looking a bit nervous.

"I still do not want to engage in coitus, Penny," Sheldon informed her matter-of-factly.

"I know, MoonPie," Penny said, though it did occur to her that if she was in a relationship with Sheldon, she could see where Amy had been coming from. As someone who was at least moderately accustomed to sex, this would take some adjustment. When would she next experience intercourse? Hmm… this could get extraordinarily frustrating, she thought.

"I'm not sure when I'll be ready for that," Sheldon apprised Penny. "I will be certain to notify you when there is a status shift."

"You do that," Penny said thankfully, nodding. "In the meantime, honey, we can just lie down. Honest."

Sheldon stared at his hands and chewed on his lip. "Your apparel is quite tempting," he said quietly. "The last time we were lying down, I had difficulty controlling the movement of my hands… and my body. The material is quite silky and mellifluous, and it's very enticing to touch it."

Penny smirked. "Maybe it would be better," she said, "If I didn't have it on."

She knew she was taking a risk. She might scare him off. What was the worst that could happen? He might dash out the door and run home. He might tell her off for being a skank. It was worth the gamble, Penny decided. She peeled off the satin tank top, revealing her bare torso.

Sheldon's eyes went round as saucers. He looked mesmerized. He looked stunned. He looked completely fascinated. Penny blushed, feeling rather flattered as Sheldon's eyes scanned her exposed body.

"You can touch," she told him, but he looked terrified. Penny was instantly transported to the fantasy she'd had on her first day of Amy's experiment. Now, here, as in her fantasy, she took Sheldon's hands and guided them to her chest. She felt the warm, soft touch of his palms on her breasts and hissed out a happy little sigh. She squeezed his hands gently, urging him to massage her.

Sheldon moved his hands tentatively. The pads of his long, thin fingers ran over the hardening nubs of Penny's nipples. Penny tipped her head back and sighed, watching as Sheldon gulped and blinked hard. The bob of his Adam's Apple as he swallowed was so tempting she could hardly stand it, and she reached her own small hand out to caress his neck. He groaned softly.

Sheldon pulled his hands off of Penny's chest abruptly.

"I should stop," he informed her matter-of-factly. Penny looked confused.

"What's the matter?" she asked, concerned.

"I fear that if I should continue down this path, I shall be tempted to partake in activities in which I ought not to participate."

"Coitus?" Penny asked, nearly laughing as she said the ugly word aloud.

"Who knows?" Sheldon threw his hands up helplessly. "Who can say where such things lead?"

"I think you should let it lead wherever it will," Penny suggested, and she rocked forward on her knees to lean up against Sheldon. She pressed her bare chest against his, which was covered in flannel. That seemed like a problem, so she reached between them and began to unbutton his top.

"Mmm…" Sheldon whimpered, though Penny honestly could not tell whether it was a whine of protest or whether he was urging her on. She stilled her hands against his shirt. Within a moment, his long, nimble fingers joined hers and deftly unfastened the buttons. Penny smoothly pushed Sheldon's pajama top back over his muscled shoulders and slender but toned arms.

She planted little kisses down his neck and along his collarbone, brushing her nipples against his bare skin. She heard his gasp and felt his shiver as she pressed her round breasts on his hard chest.

Penny leaned in to Sheldon's ear and whispered,

"Tell me what you want, Dr. Cooper."

He shivered so hard then that Penny worried about him. She put her hands on his shoulders to steady him.

"I would appreciate a list of options from which to choose," Sheldon murmured.

"Well," Penny began seductively, climbing onto his lap. She felt his erection beneath the satin of her shorts and the flannel of his pants, and she smiled. She began grinding gently and her grin widened when Sheldon groaned at her motion. "I could take you in my mouth. That could be _all_ I do, or it could just be an appetizer for the entrée. Or, we could cut right to the chase, and use a condom so that there's no… um… fluid exchange."

Even in this moment of lust, Penny knew that Sheldon would be experiencing anxiety about cleanliness and fluids.

Sheldon appeared to think hard about his options for a moment, enveloping Penny in his arms and linking his hands behind her neck. He tipped his head to the side and closed his eyes, frowning crookedly and sighing.

"Once one surrenders one's virginity, it can never be returned," he noted. "Of course, there are controversial and dubiously effective operations such as hymenoplasty to 'restore' a woman's physical signs of virginity. However, the actual state of having never engaged in intercourse is, as its said, 'one and done.'"

"So, honey, you're saying you do _not_ want to have sex, right?" Penny asked, undeniably feeling somewhat broken-hearted.

Sheldon looked guiltily at her. "I'm nervous," he admitted. "I feel that I'd like to… build my way up to coitus, so to speak."

He flashed her an uneasy little grin, and that actually made Penny feel considerably better. After all, he hadn't said 'no.' He hadn't said 'never.' He'd said he wanted to work his way up to sex. Very well, she thought to herself. She could do that.

"Well," Penny said thoughtfully, pressing her palms against Sheldon's bare chest, "How about for tonight I just use my mouth?"

Sheldon looked uncertain, but nodded quickly after a long moment. "Only if you so desire," he said firmly. "Do nothing you do not wish to do."

"Oh, trust me, MoonPie," Penny said, "This… this, I want to do. It'll be best, I think, if you stand. Come here, sweetie." She took Sheldon's hand and led him off the bed, so that he was standing with the backs of his legs against the bed. She flipped on the lamp so that there was a little light in the room.

Penny noticed that the lump in Sheldon's pants had died down somewhat; she wondered if that was from him being nervous about the prospect of a blow job. She decided to try to get him worked back up a bit before taking his pants off. She stood before him and began slowly peeling off her pink satin shorts.

"Why are you taking those off?" Sheldon asked apprehensively, and Penny paused.

"Just so that you have more to see," she said rather self-consciously.

"Oh," Sheldon nodded. "Continue," he urged, waving his hand.

Penny smirked and commenced the removal of her shorts, revealing her waxed pubic area.

"Interesting," Sheldon remarked, taking in her bare pubic area. Penny felt very uncomfortable being analyzed, but she noted that Sheldon appeared to be getting more aroused by the second as her completely nude form was revealed.

"Are you ready, honey?" Penny asked. Sheldon hesitated, but nodded tentatively after a moment.

Penny strode up to him and gently eased his pajama pants and underwear over his butt and package, past his thighs and knees, and to the ground. When she passed his pelvis, his cock sprang forth, and it took every ounce of self-control Penny had not to gasp.

She knew he was tall. She knew he had big hands. She knew that when she'd dry-humped him, his lump had been enormous. Still, it was quite a shock to see the long, _thick_ member he possessed. It was, quite frankly, intimidating.

Penny gulped. Sheldon wasn't the most perceptive man in the world, but he did sense a degree of unease.

"Is something wrong?" he asked. "Are you upset about something?" He reached down to cup Penny's face in his hand, and his sweetness only served to make Penny even more baffled.

"No, Sheldon," she assured him. "I was just surprised by how big you are."

"I was led to believe that there is a positive correlation between male genital size and partner gratification," Sheldon stated. "Please do let me know if it turns out that that particular postulation is unsubstantiated."

Penny giggled and nodded. "Sure thing, sweet pea."

She urged Sheldon to step out of his pajama pants and folded them as neatly as she could, laying them aside. She reached for a pillow off her bed to kneel upon and placed it in front of Sheldon.

When she was situated in front of him, even with his colossal package, she looked up into his panicked blue eyes and smiled reassuringly.

"Don't worry if it doesn't last very long," she said encouragingly. "It probably won't. Not your first time. I won't judge. I promise."

"Neither will I," Sheldon vowed seriously, and Penny leered and rolled her eyes.

"Here we go," she said under her breath. She took him in her hand, marveling at the fact that her hand didn't quite close around his shaft. Sheldon gasped and hissed at her touch. His breath quickened and he let out a desperate whimper when Penny sealed her lips around his circumcised tip.

She swirled her tongue from the base of his shaft up and around all the way to the tip, sucking gently on the end when she reached it.

Penny felt the sudden grip of Sheldon's long, thin fingers entrenched in her hair. He made a choked sound and urged her with his hands to continue sucking.

"Mmm…" he shuddered, and Penny decided to move her hands to his butt, caressing his buoyant cheeks with her little hands. That motion triggered a guttural "Ungh," from Sheldon along with a tightening of his hands in her hair.

Penny continued to suck as much of his considerable length into her mouth as she could for a few minutes until he said in a very strained voice,

"I'm afraid that this venture is going to reach its zenith within a very short time, Penny."

She pulled off of his length and gasped, "You're gonna come?"

Sheldon just nodded frantically, too worked up to criticize her base assessment of the situation.

"On my face or in my mouth?" Penny asked hastily.

"What?" Sheldon gasped.

Penny moved her hand to pump his shaft, lubricated by her saliva. Sheldon's breath was ragged and shallow.

"Do you want to finish on my face, or would you like me to swallow it?" Penny asked again, her voice more patient this time.

He didn't have time to decide. Before Sheldon could answer Penny, he let out a growl and a dismayed sort of snarl. His semen gushed out rhythmically, landing all over Penny's face and streaming down her skin in rivulets. Penny giggled and used her fingers to wipe it off.

"Aaagh! I'm sorry!" Sheldon gasped. He sounded horrified.

"No… MoonPie, it's okay," she said reassuringly. "This was an option! Really!"

Sheldon took a moment to relish his orgasm, shuddering and shivering. His eyes squeezed shut and he sighed blissfully. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you, Penny."

"You're welcome, Dr. Copper," Penny smiled.

He looked down at her, finally, and smirked.

"Good Lord," he said snidely. "I don't think two people have ever been in greater need of a shower."

* * *

** The Indulgence Paroxysm**

* * *

Bernadette sighed.

"I don't know, Penny. It seems like all Howard's mother wants to do is cry about how her 'baby' wants to leave her. I have no idea how to bring up the fact that we need our own space." She took a swig of her bottle of water and gestured enthusiastically toward the Sephora store. "Ooh, look! MAC eye shadows are on sale!"

"Oh, Bernadette." Amy shook her head. "You are so easily distracted by the allure of cosmetics."

Penny just followed the girls into the makeup store. Honestly, she wasn't in the mood for commiserating, and she really wasn't in the mood for shopping, either, since she had very little money to spend. She certainly wasn't going to be buying any MAC products. Penny gravitated toward the clearance section of the store.

Her phone buzzed in her purse, and she pulled it out to see that she had a text message. She pulled it up and grinned.

_Sunday Funday. Enjoy your shopping. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Suddenly feeling in a much better mood, Penny started to text Sheldon back when her phone buzzed again.

_Bazinga. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

She beamed and wrote back to him as quickly as she could.

_You're pretty funny, MoonPie. I wish I could have fun shopping. That would be easier to do if I had any moolah. :-[_

Penny realized as soon as she sent the text that she probably sounded like she was asking him for money. Sure enough, she almost immediately received a message that read,

_Please allow me to lend you some 'moolah' in the form of a money transfer so that you are not embarrassed in front of your more affluent friends. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny sighed and frowned. She should have known that that would have been his response. She absently heard Amy and Bernadette giggling in the background as she angrily punched the screen, writing,

_I can buy my own damn lip gloss._

Penny shoved the phone in her purse and ignored it when it buzzed again. She picked up a Dior lip gloss on sale and then put it back down when she considered that her credit card might honestly get declined if she tried to use it. She noted with some disdain that Bernadette picked up the same lip gloss Penny had just put down and put it in her little black wire basket – along with a few eye shadows and a kabuki brush. Penny blinked back tears as she considered that she was the poorest one in her group of friends. She excused herself to go to the restroom and washed her hands absently.

When her phone buzzed again, Penny decided she had no choice but to check it, and she pulled it out and swiped the screen. The first message said,

_I'm simply trying to be helpful. – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

The second message, sent just seconds before Penny checked it, read,

_Have I made you angry? – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Then Penny felt sick to her stomach, roiled with guilt as she realized that Sheldon was probably sitting at home wondering if Penny was pissed off at him for trying to be nice.

_I'm sorry, Sheldon. I'm a little sensitive about money… and the fact that I don't have any of it._

Sheldon didn't answer for a long while after that, and Penny thought that perhaps she had offended him.

"Penny! Are you ready to check out?" Bernadette's too-cheery voice sounded from in front of the register, and Penny huffed.

"Coming!" Penny trilled in a falsely pleasant tone. She hastily snatched a $3.50 lip balm out of the sale bin and slapped it onto the counter.

"Will that be all for you, ma'am?" the saleswoman asked with a bit of skepticism, and Penny's eyes went from Bernadette's huge bag to Amy's medium-sized purchase. Penny just nodded, red-faced. "All righty," the clerk said, too cheerfully. "Three-eighty-two, please."

Penny counted out exact change from her wallet, feeling her cheeks scald with embarrassment as she did. Her phone buzzed in her purse as she plunked down the last two cents.

As the girls walked out of the store and headed for Bernadette's car, Amy glanced at Penny with a puzzled expression,

"Who's been texting you all day, bestie?" she asked.

"Oh… um… my sister," Penny lied, feeling guilty for fibbing to Amy.

"Who's up for some fro-yo?" Amy asked, mercifully moving past Penny's untruth. When she saw Penny's discomfort at the idea of spending more money, she patted her friend on the shoulder and said quietly, "My treat."

Penny smiled sadly and nodded gratefully. She climbed into the backseat of Bernadette's car and pulled out her phone. To her surprise, it wasn't a text message that had caused the vibration, but, rather, an email. She pulled up her mail and saw a long note from… who else? Sheldon.

_Dear Penny,_

Well, Penny thought, that was a decent way to begin.

_I am very sorry indeed if I caused you to lose your pride earlier with my suggestion that you borrow money from me. I wish to assure you that I was only attempting to hold up what I perceived to be my end of the proverbial 'bargain.' That is, when two people are involved in the societal construct that is a couple, it is my impression that they are to support one another financially. If one half of the couple is particularly more fiscally endowed than the other, it is that partner's responsibility and obligation to share and provide for the half that is lacking. Particularly given the traditional perceptions of gender roles in a heterosexual relationship, my role as the masculine half of the couple would place me in a position to be particularly obligated for economic self-sacrifice in our association._

_To put it into terms I hope you will understand, Penny, I wanted to lend you money because I felt it was my duty to do so. I was not attempting to be condescending nor patronizing. Rather, I was endeavoring to spare you the humiliation caused by being low on funds in a social situation. Please forgive me my presumptuous behavior and believe me that I acted only out of concern for you. As you are well aware, I very rarely act out of concern for others. You should take satisfaction in the datum that you are the subject of unusually altruistic behavior._

_I hope to see you tonight. I was worse than usual at paintball this morning owing to a lack of concentration. I would thoroughly enjoy buying you dinner this evening and eating it together at your apartment._

_Regards,_

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D._

Penny laughed out loud to see him sign his email in the manner that he did; to give her his credentials. Amy turned around from her front seat to look quizzically at her, and Bernadette looked curiously into her rear-view mirror. Penny cleared her throat and said quietly,

"Sorry."

"What's so funny, bestie?" Amy asked.

"Oh, you know," Penny said nonchalantly, waving her hand, "my sister. She's a hoot."

Penny got chocolate hazelnut frozen yogurt at Pinkberry and ate it in the car on the way home, muching it as she marched up the many flights of stairs. Internally, she told herself that by climbing so many stairs, she was working off the calories of the chocolate hazelnut Pinkberry, though she knew it wasn't true. She reached the landing of the fourth floor and stopped dead in her tracks, contemplating turning around and running back down the stairs.

The door to Apartment 4A had just opened, and Leonard Hofstader had just come out into the hallway.

Penny had successfully avoided him for all the time since she'd broken up with him, but now she was face-to-face with him, and she gulped down a mouthful of Pinkberry, feeling the rush of brain freeze.

"Hi, Leonard," she said softly.

"Hi, Penny," he said, sounding a bit too peppy.

"Where're ya headed?" Penny asked.

"I'm fine; how are you?" Leonard said incongruously.

Penny narrowed her eyes. "I asked where you were going," she said suspiciously.

"Oh." Leonard scratched his head. "I'm headed to a movie," he said.

"By yourself?" Penny asked, tipping her head to the side.

"No," Leonard admitted. "I'm going with Alex. You know, Sheldon's research assistant?"

Penny pursed her lips. Ah, yes. Alex. She'd felt quite threatened by Alex when she'd been dating Leonard. Now, though, this arrangement couldn't be any better. After all, Alex worked with Sheldon. If Alex were tied up with Leonard, and Penny were tied up with Sheldon, there was no need for jealousy anywhere. If Amy was with Stuart, the whole bargain was made all the more ideal. Yes. Perfect.

"Awesome!" Penny exclaimed, and she reached to hug Leonard. "I hope that goes well for you." She noticed that her voice sounded genuine, even to herself.

Beyond Leonard, she saw Sheldon in the living room of Apartment 4A, and she grinned at him and gave him a little wave before letting Leonard go. She observed a confused look on Sheldon's face, no doubt because Penny was giving Leonard a long hug. She let Leonard go and patted him on the shoulder.

"Have a great date," she said firmly.

"Thanks, Penny," Leonard said, and he looked just as bemused as Sheldon did. He walked down the stairs, and as Penny shut the living room door behind her, she flashed Sheldon a delighted little grin.

"Hi!" she said happily, taking a scoop of her Pinkberry and gulping it down.

"Hello, Penny," Sheldon said cautiously. "Why so gleeful?"

"Well, it's wonderful, isn't it?" Penny plopped down into 'her' spot on the couch, right next to Sheldon's spot. "Amy's with Stuart, and Leonard's with Alex, and I'm with you!" She took another scoop of frozen yogurt and grinned.

Sheldon walked to stand in front of the couch and frowned.

"If you fill up on that lousy ice cream analog, you'll have no room for dinner," he warned. "Why didn't you respond to my email?"  
Penny's eyes went wide. "Crap on a cracker!" she exclaimed, and Sheldon rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, sweetie! I didn't get a chance to answer!"

"I see," Sheldon said, though his voice was icy. "You know, Penny, answering an email such as the one I sent you is half of a social contract."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Penny waved her hand. "I'm really sorry, Sheldon. How can I make it up to you?" She grinned sweetly.

"I suppose," Sheldon thought for a moment, "by watching _Battlestar Galactica_ with me."

"Oh, joy," Penny said, giggling. "Okay."

An hour an a half later, they were settled onto the couch with a DVD of_Battlestar Galactica: Razor_ playing. Sheldon was enjoying his delivery pasta, though he was right; Penny had largely filled up on Pinkberry and could eat little of her own food. About an hour into the DVD of the TV movie, Penny felt herself drifting off to sleep. She nuzzled into Sheldon and was surprised when he leaned back against the couch cushion and wrapped his arm around Penny's shoulders. He set his food on the coffee table and allowed Penny to burrow against his chest.

She tucked her knees up onto the couch and yawned deeply. She had slept but a few hours that morning after Sheldon had left – from about 6:30 am to about 8:30. She was exhausted, to say the least, and Sheldon seemed to sense that. Penny snuggled deeply into his lean frame, relishing the feel of his body warmth, though he provided little cushioning.

Sheldon, for his part, tipped his head against Penny's and gently stroked his thumb on her shoulder. Then, he did something that completely shocked Penny – he moved his chin and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Mmm…" Penny sighed. "So sleepy, MoonPie."

"Only my MeeMaw calls me that," Sheldon said, but for once he sounded like he was teasing.

Penny sensed what Sheldon might call a 'paradigm shift.' The very architecture of their rapport felt profoundly different in that moment. He was being tender and kind, affectionate and caring. Touching her on purpose? Allowing himself to be touched? Kissing her? This was different from when he'd hugged her in thanks for the Leonard Nimoy napkin. Then, there was an impetus for what was plainly an awkward action. In this instant, Sheldon appeared perfectly comfortable and, actually, content.

Indeed, he sighed serenely as Penny cuddled closer to him, marveling at the level of coziness. She wondered if they might extrapolate this situation to a more inherently comfortable locale.

"Sheldon?" she asked softly.

"Yes?" he murmured in reply.

"Do you mind if we laid down for a little bit? I'm _so_ sleepy I can hardly stand it."

"Would you prefer to go to your apartment and take a nap? I would gladly wait here and watch something else while you refresh yourself," Sheldon said matter-of-factly.

_Aaaaaand, it's gone,_ Penny told herself bitterly.

"No, sweetie," she said, her voice strained despite an attempt to sound patient, "I was hoping we could lay down _together._"

Sheldon was silent for a split second.

"Ohhh… I see," he said at last. "Very well." He proceeded to put their food in the refrigerator and carefully placed the _Battlestar Galactica _DVD in its case, which was then placed in the rack. By the time all that was done, Penny was drifting off to sleep on the couch. "Penny!" Sheldon said loudly.

"Hmm!" Penny exclaimed, jolting awake.

Sheldon stood in front of the couch, looking hopeful and holding out his hand.

"Would you like to brush your teeth?" he asked expectantly.

"So that you can kiss me?" Penny said suggestively.

Sheldon blushed slightly. "I suppose that is an additional positive outcome of the activity," he noted. "However, I _always_ like to brush my teeth before repose."

"Of course you do," Penny said under her breath. She took Sheldon's hand and followed him to the bathroom. The two of them wordlessly scrubbed, buffed, and swished using toothpaste, baking soda, and mouthwash. When Penny felt like her mouth was so tingly and slick that there was no chance of a germ taking refuge inside of it, she grinned widely at Sheldon. "How's that?" she asked.

"Let's see," Sheldon said with a wicked little smile. He placed one of his large hands on the back of Penny's head and the other in the small of her back. He pulled her flush against his body and tipped her face up, leaning down so that his face met hers. Penny was expecting a full-on French kiss, but instead, Sheldon just _barely_ touched his lips to Penny's. She whimpered helplessly, desperate for more, but Sheldon chuckled under his breath and whispered, "Bazinga."

He guided the flabbergasted Penny into his bedroom and shut the door behind them. It was silent for a moment as Sheldon began methodically sorting through his dresser drawers until he said,

"I suppose there's no point in the pretense of modesty. We've already seen one another unclothed."

He was so hot and cold, Penny thought. So polar. One moment he was intimately holding her and teasing her; the next, he was coldly proclaiming the futility of changing with her back turned. Dr. Sheldon Cooper… enigma extraordinaire.

He began climbing into his designated Sunday pajamas and peeled back the blankets of his bed. He glanced up at Penny, seeing that she was still standing fully clothed at the foot of the bed.

"What's the matter?" he asked blankly.

"I don't have any pajamas here," Penny said obviously.

"Oh," Sheldon noted, looking around the room for a solution to appear. "Hmm…"

"It's okay," Penny waved her hand. "I'll just sleep in my underwear."

"That hardly seems comfortable," Sheldon protested.

"Then I'll sleep naked," Penny grinned.

"That hardly seems sanitary!"

"Just panties, then," Penny determined, stripping off her shirt, bra, and jeans. She tossed the clothes onto Sheldon's floor, along with her purse. Sheldon glared at the rumpled clothes with scorn but, leniently, said nothing. Penny climbed into bed beside Sheldon and pulled her body up flush against his.

Warmth radiated from him, even through the fabric of his pajamas, and he rotated his body so that he was face to face with Penny. He cupped a hand over her cheek and pressed the pad of his thumb beneath her eye.

"I assume that many, many men have told you this, Penny, but allow me to be the latest," Sheldon began. "You are by far the most beautiful woman on whom I have ever laid eyes. You are without question the most charming and compelling woman with whom I have ever spent time. You are, as a certain British nanny was once described, 'practically perfect in every way.'" He laughed his awkward little snivel of a laugh then, and Penny waited for the 'Bazinga,' but it didn't come. Tears burned her eyes; she was more touched and moved than she'd been in quite some time.

"You're wrong," she told Sheldon, shaking her head against the pillow.

"I don't see how that could be," Sheldon asserted. "First of all, my proclamations were based on opinions and therefore, by classification, can not really be incorrect. Secondly, even if my claims were objective in nature, it is highly unlikely that they would be erroneous, as I am very rarely wrong."

"No – Sheldon, I mean… You said that many men must have said that to me. You were wrong. No one's ever said anything even remotely like that to me before," Penny said tearfully.

"Then they were all fools who had no idea what they had," Sheldon muttered, and he leaned forward to envelop her mouth with his.

"Mmph," Penny droned, slinking her arms around Sheldon's shoulders to grip his back. Her nails dug slightly into his skin, prompting a little sigh from him into their kiss.

In response, Penny moved her fingers from his back up to his hair. She coursed her nails through his locks, mussing his hair until it was a snarled, disheveled chaos. When she looked at him in that state, it only served to turn her on. Sheldon was usually so put together, so organized. Seeing him look so messy was really quite appealing.

Penny couldn't help herself. She began unbuttoning Sheldon's pajama shirt quickly and hastily as she kissed him, moving fast before he could stop her.

"Mmm – what are you doing?" Sheldon asked, forcing his lips out of the kiss.

"Aren't you warm?" Penny asked desperately. It was the only thing she could think to say.

"Not really," Sheldon maintained.

"I'd really rather you were naked right now, MoonPie," Penny said, planting her lips in a straight line.

"But, Penny…" Sheldon sounded anxious.

"What?" For her part, Penny was impatient, pushing his pajama top off his shoulders and helping him shuck it off his arms.

He grasped her hand and moved it to his crotch so she could feel the hard lump there.

"Gah…" Penny gasped, fighting the instinct to start massaging the bulge.

"I sincerely doubt I shall be able to resist temptation if you remove my pajamas, Penny," Sheldon informed her, stone-faced.

"Good," Penny insisted. She began tugging Sheldon's pants down to his knees.

"Penny!" Sheldon exclaimed. "You know how I feel about fluid exchange. Do you honestly think there is a condom anywhere in this bedroom?"

Penny felt her cheeks flush red with a combination of embarrassment and excitement. First of all, Sheldon had just intimated that the next step after him becoming naked was sex. Second, she felt like a complete skank because…

"There's a condom in my purse," she muttered ashamedly.

"Oh." Sheldon's voice was very small. He brought his fingertips to his lips and looked as though he were strongly considering what action to take next. His eyes scanned the ceiling as if he were examining a difficult equation. He chewed on his bottom lip and finally said, "Yes. I suppose I'm ready, Penny."

Penny felt her eyes well up. She wasn't sure exactly why. In a way, she felt a little bit predatory. Wasn't it usually the man who took the virginity? Wasn't it usually the helpless little girl who 'popped her cherry' in bed with a much more experienced guy? Instead, it was Penny - a young twenty-something with far too much proficiency in the ways of love. Here she was teaching Sheldon – a man a few years older than her but completely and utterly lacking in expertise when it came to eroticism.

Here they lay, on his too-small bed in a room filled with immaculately preserved comic books and action figures, a room that smelled like Lysol and talc. Here was Penny, naked except for a pair of black lace panties, stripping the naïve Sheldon of his flannel full-length pajamas and preparing to rob him of his virginity.

Yup, she felt predatory, all right.

"I can't do this," Penny sighed.

"Why not?" Sheldon asked, sounding disappointed.

"It's not right," she argued. "You deserve better than this."

Sheldon looked genuinely confused. "Penny," he said softly, reaching to tuck her hair behind her ear, "I realize that I am inexperienced and that I lack skill in this area. However, I am a willing student, and I generally learn things very quickly."

"That's not it, Sheldon," Penny began, but Sheldon cut her off, holding up a long, thin finger.

"Furthermore," he said, "I fail to see how I 'deserve better.' I have maintained my virginity for the better part of three decades, waiting for the ideal situation. That situation, in my mind's eye, would entail a relationship comprising reciprocal fondness. Ideally, the partner in the relationship would be visually attractive and stimulating as well as provide an emotional draw. You, my dear, fulfill these requirements splendidly. I feel very little anxiety in the current situation, so I strongly advise we proceed."

Penny smiled faintly to herself, chuckling under her breath.

"Okay, sweetie," she said finally.

Sheldon continued kicking off his pajama pants then, and Penny rose to fetch the condom out of her purse. She knew she'd probably have to put it on Sheldon, as she strongly doubted he'd ever put one on himself. Sighing with the sad realization that she had far too much experience applying condoms, Penny stripped off her lace underwear and tossed them alongside the rest of her clothes. She pulled the ponytail holder out of her blonde hair and shook it loose, glancing to the bed to see Sheldon staring holes into her.

"You really are quite lovely," he said very softly, his voice sweet and innocent.

"Awww… thanks, honey," Penny grinned, climbing back into bed.

"I have read that it is customary for the man to first stimulate the woman, as it is usual for the male to reach climax before the female," Sheldon said abruptly.

"Um… I don't know if it's _customary_ to 'stimulate' the woman first, but it's certainly a nice thing to do," Penny smiled. She swathed her arms around Sheldon, laying the condom in its orange wrapper on the sheet behind him.

Suddenly, Penny had a rather tasteless thought – wondering just what Sheldon was capable of with those long fingers of his. She shuddered.

As if he'd read her mind and didn't want to leave her wondering, Sheldon tentatively reached down between them and dabbed the pad of his middle finger betwixt Penny's thighs. Penny jolted at the sensation of his touch, and he retracted.

"Mm… no, please…" Penny grasped his hand and returned it to its place between her legs, eagerly spreading her thighs and rotating so that she was on her back. She was already quite wet from kissing and caressing, and she knew it wouldn't take much to make her lose it.

Sheldon looked patently uncertain and propped himself up on his elbow, reaching again with his right hand between Penny's legs. His eyes were locked on hers, questioning and looking for guidance. She nodded at him, her breath hitching in her throat when his slender fingers met her wet entrance again.

She gently placed her own fingers on top of his to guide his movements, conducting him in a swirling motion around her entrance and her clitoris. Now it was Sheldon who shuddered. Penny could feel his fingers trembling against her wetness, and that only turned her on more.

After a few minutes of him massaging her sopping exterior, she urged him to penetrate her with his fingertips, pushing the pads of his fingers into her one at a time until three of his slender fingers were deeply inside of her. Intuitively, Sheldon continued to use his thumb to knead Penny's nub while he pistoned his hooked fingers. Meanwhile, Penny moaned and repeated his name over and again, thrashing against the pillow and grasping the sheets desperately.

When it was obvious that she was approaching a cliff, a point of no return, Penny shouted Sheldon's name and gasped, and Sheldon himself moaned more vociferously than Penny had ever heard him do. His fingers were quaking mightily inside of her, and his free hand was tightly gripping his own pillow.

"Come on, Penny," he rumbled as she wriggled, not understanding the double entendre of his words.

"Oh, _shit_!" Penny exclaimed, finally clenching hard around Sheldon's fingers. Her walls contracted rhythmically as she groaned, whispering Sheldon's name a few times as she came down from her high. When the room stopped spinning at last, she felt Sheldon's hand withdraw from her body and saw him reach for a box of Wet Wipes on the table beside the bed. He cleansed his hands and tossed the wipes in the wastebasket before saying,

"Interesting."

"_Really_, Sheldon?" Penny demanded, panting and suddenly self-conscious of her nude body. "_Interesting_?"

"What I mean to say is… I find myself incredibly aroused simply by witnessing your orgasm," Sheldon said. Sure enough, when he looked back at Penny, she noticed that, even given the dim light, his eyes were so dilated she could hardly see his bright blue irises.

She glanced down between his legs and saw his ridiculously long, thick member visibly throbbing there, desperate for attention. She wanted to touch him, suck him, do anything and everything to him. Tonight, she wanted to make love to him.

Penny was already on her back, so she spread her legs a little bit more and gestured for Sheldon to climb atop her.

"Come here, Sheldon," she said, trying to make her voice sound as gentle and warm as possible.

Sheldon looked abruptly terrified, but he knelt between Penny's legs and placed his left hand on her hip.

"You sure this is what you want, sweetie?" Penny asked softly, reaching up to place her palm flat against his cheek. She smiled at him as mildly as she could muster. It was genuine emotion that she used to smile at him – real passion, and real affection.

"It's up there with the Nobel Prize," Sheldon said, and Penny knew he was only half-joking.

She giggled. She reached for the orange-wrapped condom beside her and tore it open expertly, tossing the wrapper into the wastebasket. She took the condom itself and quickly rolled it onto Sheldon's erection. He watched as she did, marveling as she pulled on the tip to ensure a proper reservoir.

Penny raised her knees so that they were even with Sheldon's waist and reached between them to help guide Sheldon's member into her entrance.

In the instant where his tip touched her slick admittance, Sheldon hissed and grinned. Penny felt a tear squeeze out of her eye as her lips curled upward. Sheldon continued to push forward and Penny was filled with him, physically and emotionally.

He was so big – so much bigger than anyone Penny had ever had before. She felt her walls stretch to accommodate his girth, and she gasped when she had all of his length she could handle. She was secretly grateful they were in the missionary position and not one where he had more control over depth and could have hurt her with his length.

Sheldon mercifully sensed that he should stop pushing in and started slowly – tortuously slowly – pulling out. That made Penny gasp, too. Once again, her nails dug into his back, harder this time than the last. Sheldon did nothing to prompt her to remove her nails.

Penny studied him closely. His five o'clock shadow was grown in; the scruff was sexy, she decided. His hair was still mussed from when she'd played with it. A dusting of hair covered his chest and stomach, and a thick thatch of hair crowned the member he was now thrusting in and out of her. He was more masculine than she'd given him credit for, Penny thought regretfully. The thought struck home as he pushed back into her, harder and faster this time.

"Mmm! Yes!" Penny cried. "More, Sheldon! Please!"

Sheldon held her hip in his left hand and reached for her chest with his right, using his long fingers to caress her breast and play with her nipple.

Penny was glad they were in this position. She could watch Sheldon's every move, and she could see him pass through the various states of arousal. She enjoyed seeing the look of bliss on his face as he thrust into her. She loved seeing him marvel at the sight of her breasts undulating up and down with every pistoning lunge.

After longer than she would have imagined, she felt him tense inside of her and saw his face wracked with a mixture of what seemed like revulsion and pain. He cried out her name, shuddering as he said it, and collapsed with his hands on either side of her head.

Sheldon's face landed very near Penny's, and he plunged her into a deep kiss as he recovered from his exquisite climax. Before he could soften inside of her, Sheldon pulled himself out and collapsed onto his back beside Penny.

She was stunned. Honestly, truly stunned, and she decided to tell him so.

"That was… honey, that was absolutely unbelievable."

"What specifically about the experience do you find difficult to believe?" Sheldon deadpanned, looking seriously into Penny's eyes.

Penny paused, and then said, "Yup. Definitely just had sex with Sheldon Cooper."

Hours later, as Penny lay asleep in just her lace underwear, spooning with Sheldon, she was awakened by shouts from next door. She had been slumbering peacefully, having fallen asleep soon after showering and changing Sheldon's sheets.

"Leonard! Ungh… Leonard!"

"Mmmph… yes, Alex!"

Penny rolled over and snuggled up closer to Sheldon. She was only mildly surprised that it didn't upset her to hear Leonard in the throes of ecstasy next door. All she needed to do, though, was burrow into the sweet scent of talc and soap to remember why she was so happy, and it took only a short minute for Penny to fall blissfully back asleep.

* * *

** The Digit Derivation**

* * *

The next morning was sufficiently awkward. As usual for Mondays, Sheldon insisted on oatmeal for breakfast, which was consumed in prickly silence. The only person who didn't seem palpably uncomfortable was Sheldon. Conversely, he seemed quite pleased to be eating his delicious oatmeal with all his favorite people present.

Penny was particularly ashamed that she was wearing the same clothes she'd been wearing when she'd seen Leonard the night before in the hallway. Well, she told herself, _that_ cat was clear out of the bag.

Penny eventually managed to quietly excuse herself and made her way to the door, mumbling something about work.

"You've only eaten half a bowl of oatmeal, Penny," Sheldon scolded, holding up her partially empty breakfast. "That hardly seems like sufficient nutrition for a day's work, particularly given last night's strenuous activity."

Penny's eyes went round and she felt her cheeks flush deep red. Alex giggled under her breath – not maliciously; she just couldn't control herself. Leonard bit his lip and sighed.

"Sheldon Lee Cooper!" Penny hissed angrily.

"Yes?" Sheldon tipped his head to the side innocently and set the bowl on the counter.

Penny shut her eyes, feeling humiliated. She let out a little huff of breath.

"Just… nothing," she said hastily, walking briskly to the door.

As she opened and shut the door to Apartment 4A, she heard Sheldon's voice behind her meekly say,

"Goodbye, Penny."

Penny shook her head as she changed into her Cheesecake Factory uniform. Honestly, what had she gotten herself into? A _relationship_… with Sheldon Cooper, of all people? Of all the men in Pasadena, _this_ was the guy she'd chosen?

Penny was not pleased when she found herself scouring her teeth with baking soda for which she'd hunted in her kitchen cabinets. Nor was she amused when she counted to Thirty Mississippi while swishing Listerine in her mouth. Why was she adhering to Sheldon's multi-step dental hygiene program? She sighed as she scrubbed her tongue and rolled her eyes as she flossed. Well, she thought sardonically, she'd be ready if she bumped into him and he wanted a kiss.

At work, Penny kept running her tongue around her slick, minty mouth, thinking that keeping herself this clean wasn't half-bad. She sucked on her teeth as she strolled up to a table of three attractive twenty-something men.

"Hi; welcome to the Cheesecake Factory," Penny said, laying down cardboard coasters. "My name is Penny. I'll be your server today. Can I get you started with something to drink?"

One of the young men smiled brightly at Penny and said, "May I have an iced tea, please?"

"I'll have a coffee," the second man said.

"And I would like your number," the last young man declared, edging his white cardboard coaster and a pen toward Penny. He grinned shyly. Penny stared at him. He was good-looking enough, with sandy brown curls and pale green eyes. He looked very hopeful that he was going to get Penny's phone number. She smiled crookedly at him and pushed the coaster back.

"Sorry, boys," she said coquettishly. "I'm taken."

Perhaps she would have experienced less disbelief with that phrase coming out of her mouth if the person doing the 'taking' was Leonard. But, considering that she was now 'taken' by none other than Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, Penny could scarcely believe her own words.

Penny served the boys the brunch they ordered without too much more rigmarole, but she couldn't help feeling a little guilty. They seemed like genuinely nice guys, and the one who had asked for her number seemed authentically crestfallen. He looked as though he had worked up a fair bit of uncharacteristic confidence to ask Penny for her phone number, and, in turning him down, Penny had seemingly deflated him like a popped balloon. She felt horrible for it.

At the end of their meal, Penny walked over to their table and said to the young man,

"You know, I'm with a guy, but it's not very serious… why don't you check in with me the next time you eat here and see whether it's still on or not?" She winked at him and laid down their check. The young man, whose credit card said his name was Elliott Harvey, beamed as Penny walked away.

At the end of her shift, Penny was so tired she could barely make it up the four flights of stairs in her apartment building. She had been on her feet almost non-stop for eight hours. The Cheesecake Factory had been the host of a corporate lunch consisting of 18 very demanding white-collars, and Penny had been one of only two servers. Additionally, the bartender had gotten sick at about 1:00, so Penny had worked the last five hours of her shift without a break behind the bar.

By 6:00 pm, she honestly thought she was a dead woman walking. She trudged so slowly up the stairs that she doubted she would ever make it. Halfway up the second flight of stairs, she heard quick, even steps from below her. Pausing to see who was following her, Penny saw with heavily lidded eyes that Sheldon was trotting up the stairs behind her.

"Hi, MoonPie," she said groggily.

"Only my MeeMaw calls me MoonPie," Sheldon said, looking up from the stairs with a little smile that belied his words. He held up the yellow plastic bag in his hand, in which there was a large brown paper bag. "It's Thai Take-Out Night," he said, as if Penny didn't know. "I got you coconut brown rice and yellow curry."

Penny smiled happily to herself and kept walking up the stairs. Sheldon followed her, walking more slowly to stay at her pace.

"How did you know what I would want?" Penny asked.

"I sent you a text message to ask what you wanted from Siam Palace. However, I did not receive a reply. Therefore, I asked the man on the phone what he recommended for a vegetarian who identifies as such in the loosest sense of the word. He said the yellow curry was good and that the coconut brown rice was a best-seller. I decided to take his word for it since you had provided me with no basis for a better-informed decision."

Penny frowned and pulled out her phone. "Oh, _shit!" _she exclaimed. "I'm sorry, honey! I left my phone on silent all day! I didn't get your text."

"Well, that's not entirely accurate," Sheldon corrected. "You did 'get my text.' That is, your device received my message. However, you were unaware of its receipt because you had your notification settings speciously fixed to inaudible. Unless you are in a situation such as a movie theatre or a house of worship, Penny, might I recommend keeping your notification settings on a higher audible setting? That way, if an emergency should arise, you can be contacted by those who are under the assumption that, because you are in possession of a mobile device, you are accessible."

Penny sighed and placed her key in her lock. "Sorry, Sheldon. Will do," she promised. "Listen, I appreciate you getting me Thai food, but this morning was_really_ awkward. I don't think I want to eat dinner with Leonard."

"Leonard is having dinner with Alex," Sheldon said dismissively.

"Oh." Penny swallowed. She wasn't quite sure why that vexed her, but it did. "Of course. Hey, what about Raj?"

"What about him?" Sheldon asked obliviously.

"I mean… Howard's got Bernadette, Amy's got Stuart, Leonard's got Alex. Who does Raj have?" Penny asked pointedly. "He's not at home all by himself, is he?"

"You forgot that I have you," Sheldon said quietly, shifting the bag of food in his arms.

Penny smiled gently and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Yes, you do, Sheldon. You have me. But who does Raj have?"

"Penny, Penny, Penny," Sheldon said condescendingly, shaking his head and smiling in his supercilious fashion. "You know almost as well as I that Rajesh Koothrappali is nearly as socially inept around women as biologically possible. Until he overcomes his handicap, or the pharmaceutical industry successfully innovates a solution, Raj is going to be doomed to a life of bachelorhood. We, as his friends, owe it to him to place pressure on that situation. If we continue to coddle him by giving him companionship in lieu of a romantic life, Raj will never feel the burden to solve his own personal predicament."

Penny tipped her head to the side. It was, frankly, one of the more sane and logical things she'd heard Sheldon say. Harsh? Yes. True? Very. Penny shrugged and stepped into her apartment.

"Go ahead and get the food out, then, honey," she said as she wandered into her messy bedroom. "I'm going to put on PJs. I'm so freaking worn out."

She heard the rustle of plastic and thick paper from the living room as Sheldon got the food distributed onto her little table. She stripped off her Cheesecake Factory uniform and was about to toss it onto the floor, but thought better of it and put it into a hamper. She sorted through her pajama drawer and looked for something at least mildly appealing, settling on tight powder blue shorts and a gray fitted tee without a bra. Penny pulled her hair out of its bun and shook it loose before stepping out into the living room.

Sheldon glanced up and did a double take as he placed a set of chopsticks by his food.

"Those are nice shorts," he said plainly.

Penny giggled. "Thanks, sweetie," she said.

"They don't leave very much to the imagination."

"Yeah, well, you've seen it all." Penny shrugged and smiled innocently, walking over to the food. She had a seat at the table and noticed that Sheldon was still staring at her, particularly at her cleavage.

Penny dug into her rice and curry with gusto. After a few moments, she glanced at Sheldon, who was eating his mee krob slowly and carefully.

"Guess what happened today at work?" Penny said eagerly.

"You know very well that I can not guess," Sheldon insisted.

"Oh, fine," Penny sighed. "Anyway, these guys came in and one asked for my phone number. It was the cutest damned thing I think I've ever seen."

She giggled and kept eating her curry. She wasn't really sure why she told Sheldon about the boy in the Cheesecake Factory. There was no need for him to know. It wouldn't help anyone. If anything, it would only serve to make him angry and jealous. Indeed, Sheldon looked up anxiously from his mee krob and scanned Penny's eyes.

"Did you give it to him?"

"Hmm?" Penny swallowed a mouthful of rice and took a swig of pop.

"Your telephone number – did you give it to the young man?" Sheldon's voice was steady, but dangerous.

"No, honey. I told him I was taken." Penny smiled warmly at Sheldon and reached over to pat his hand, which held a pair of chopsticks. Only when she patted his hand did she realize it was trembling. "Sheldon!" she exclaimed. "There's nothing to worry about!"

"Darn tootin'," Sheldon said under his breath, his Texas accent emerging with a vengeance. "You're _my_ woman, aren't you?"

"Say that like you mean it," Penny said meekly, staring directly into Sheldon's blue eyes.

He set down his chopsticks and said huskily, "You're _my_ woman."

"Mmm," Penny intoned, rising to stand behind Sheldon. She began massaging his shoulders. "You have no idea how it turns me on when you talk like that."

"Interesting."

"What's interesting, sweetie?" Penny leaned down and began planting fleeting little kisses on the tender skin of Sheldon's neck.

"This is somewhat indicative of a bondage-dominance-sadism-masochism fetish, Penny. That is, you seem to enjoy when a man suggests possession or custody of you in a romantic relationship. I wonder if that delight might be extrapolated…"

With that, he stood and whirled around, pushing Penny a few steps back so she was up against her refrigerator. He grasped her wrists and held them up against the freezer, plunging his lips down against the crook of her neck.

"Ungh! Sheldon!" Penny cried, struggling to free her hands from his grip. Sheldon moved both her wrists to one of his hands, and then thrust her hands above her head. He pulled her against him by the small of her back, breathing heavily. His eyes were dilated now, and he looked downright predatory.

For a split second, he looked a little unsure of himself as a mien of uncertainty and hesitance crossed his blue eyes. He looked to Penny for reassurance, and she leaned up to kiss him softly. Then, she said in a low, rumbling voice,

"Take me, Dr. Cooper."


	2. Chapter 2

**The Dominance Connection**

* * *

Sheldon flopped Penny down onto the bed unceremoniously. He had carried her into her bedroom and now dropped her roughly onto her back. He stood beside the bed and quickly whipped off his two shirts so that he wore only his low-slung chinos.

Penny pulled herself up onto her elbows and pulled her chin to her chest to get a better look at him. She was panting already; her encounter with Sheldon in the kitchen had started her motor whirring. She thought absently that the Thai food would get cold and gross, but realized she couldn't give less of a damn.

"Come here. Please," Penny said to Sheldon, beckoning him with a bent finger. He smiled crookedly at her, one corner of his mouth pulled up, and he slithered onto the bed beside her, onto his stomach.

He began touching her everywhere – caressing her arms, her stomach, her hair, her legs and hips, her feet… he very carefully avoided her breasts, butt, and the area between her legs. As he stroked her, he whispered words that made her shiver. He alternated between compliments and dirty talk.

"You are far and away the most stunning creature I have ever beheld," he said as he ran his fingertips down her arm. Then, "I'm going to show you what it_really_ means to make love, Penny," as he touched his lips to her ear.

Penny shuddered. She finally pounced, moving to get herself on top of him, but Sheldon pushed her back.

"Ah, ah, ah!" he scolded, wagging a finger at her. "I may not drive a car, Penny, but I'm in the driver's seat today."

Penny protested, "But I'm a Big Ol' Five, Sheldon!" and giggled, but Sheldon gave her a playful warning look. "Oh, all right," Penny said finally.

She was… well, surprised, to say the least. Were they going to have sex? Like this? With Sheldon being all _dominant_? It was uncharacteristic. Well, then, maybe it wasn't. Sheldon was something of the leader of their group of friends, wasn't he? And, she supposed, she and he were always jockeying for dominance in their own platonic relationship. Why not in their romantic relationship? Hmm.

"Look at me, Penny."

Penny realized she had closed her eyes as Sheldon continued massaging her body. She opened her eyes to see Sheldon staring deeply at her, his blue irises seemingly trying to burn holes through her. She could feel the craving radiating from his gaze, and it was genuinely hot in every sense of the word.

"I wish you would kiss me," Penny said very quietly, knowing that he wouldn't. He had a mouthful of meek rob, after all, and she'd eaten curry and rice. Her eyes instinctively moved to the tin of strong mints beside her bed and then drifted back to Sheldon's bright blue gaze.

"Ask me very nicely and I may consider doing it," Sheldon said, his own eyes flicking to the mints like they were an escape route.

Penny grinned wickedly. "Please, please, _please_, Sheldon, give me a kiss. Just one little kiss. I beg you."

"Very well," Sheldon acquiesced, reaching for the tin of mints and popping one in his mouth. He gave one to Penny and waited about ten seconds before saying, "You do realize I'm compromising both my values and my fear factor for you in this instant, don't you?"

Penny nodded appreciatively, and Sheldon leaned down to touch his lips gently to Penny's. He took a moment to consider that he had just kissed her without brushing their teeth, and raised his eyebrows in contemplation. Shrugging hopelessly, Sheldon leaned down to kiss her again, more deeply this time. He thrust his tongue into her mouth with vigor, exploring and undulating through Penny's orifice.

"That was more than 'one little kiss,'" Sheldon declared when he finally came up for air. "Take off your shirt," he ordered firmly. Penny stared at him for a moment, shocked by his boldness. Sheldon nodded confidently and gestured to reinforce his words. Penny did as he said and stripped off her tight tee, revealing her pert breasts. Sheldon growled under his breath.

"I would like you to show me what you've done in your experiment sessions," he informed her, crossing his hands neatly in front of his bulging crotch. He pursed his lips formally and blinked slowly. Penny's eyes bugged.

"You want me to touch myself for you?" she asked disbelievingly.

Sheldon nodded. "Are you having difficulty processing my request?" he asked condescendingly. "Shall I rephrase my bidding in simpler verbiage for you?"

"No, sir, Dr. Cooper," Penny giggled, but she quieted when she saw the serious look on Sheldon's face. She knew how Sheldon liked to role-play in just about every facet of his life, so she figured that was what he was doing here. Yup, that had to be it. He was role-playing. He was the doctor running the experiment, and she was the test subject. Okey-dokey, Penny thought. She could run with that.

Penny stripped off her bicycle shorts and said, "May I fetch my toy, Dr. Cooper?"

"Toy?" Sheldon asked cluelessly, breaking character. "What toy would that be?"

"You know, honey, my _sex toy_," Penny said warmly. "I pretend it's you." She grinned wickedly and pointed to her dresser. "I keep it in that drawer, there. I'll just get it." She rose from the bed and scurried to the dresser, procuring her vibrating red glittery dildo, a little bottle of lubricant, and an orange-wrapped condom – she figured she might need that last one later.

Penny was on birth control pills, and she was very certain that Sheldon did not have a sexually transmitted disease. Nonetheless, she was sensitive to Sheldon's squeamishness about bodily fluids and was fine with using condoms for the foreseeable future.

She meandered back to the bed and lay on her back. Sheldon slowly sank onto the comforter beside her and said,

"Show me what you did, Penny."

Penny parted her legs and flipped on the vibrator. She touched it to her clitoris, already moist, and realized she had little need for the lubricant.

"The last time I went, I imagined you touched me firmly but affectionately," Penny said. She took her left hand and stroked her breast, tugging at her nipple and biting her lip. Her eyes fluttered shut and her head tipped back against the comforter as she began to register the vibrator's juddering against her flesh.

"Look at me, Penny," Sheldon commanded. She did. "What happened next?" he asked, obstinately folding his arms despite the erection raging in his chinos.

"Then you picked me up and slammed me against the wall," Penny said excitedly, looking into Sheldon's blue irises and grinning wickedly. She dipped the vibrator inside her entrance and sighed deeply. Sheldon gulped heavily and uncrossed his arms, shifting on his feet and looking like he wasn't sure what to do.

"That sounds… uncharacteristic of me," Sheldon said. "I would be afraid I would harm you."

Penny shook her head no. "Uh-uh, MoonPie. You were careful. You put your hand behind my head and then you took me against the wall. You spread my legs with your knee and we had no clothes on, so you just… _thrust… _yourself on in," Penny began pistoning the vibrating dildo in and out of herself then, "and you claimed me right there, on that wall." She pointed to the bedroom wall behind Sheldon.

He gulped again as he appeared to be imagining the scene. Without notice, Sheldon stripped off both his chinos and his underwear, taking what Penny believed to be a completely unnecessary moment to fold them neatly and place them beside his shirts.

He stood beside the bed, nude and resplendent, his erection long and thick and throbbing. He clutched it and ghosted his fingers over the tip and shaft, clearly not wanting to bring himself to completion but unable to completely avoid touching it.

At the sight of him, Penny's breath hitched and she pressed the vibrator hard against her clit again, moaning loudly and feeling the pressure build.

"You must ask me for permission before you reach climax," Sheldon said abruptly with warning in his voice.

"What?" Penny was stunned, and jolted out of her hedonistic moment.

"I'm sorry; I have no idea how to simplify what I said," Sheldon told her. "Or did you have difficulty hearing me?"

"Oh, fine, Sheldon. I'll play your little game," Penny scoffed. "May I _please_ come now? I'm very close."

"No."

"_What?_" Penny squawked. The vibrator flew off of her body like it was on fire.

"By no means should you remove the device from your clitoris, Penny," Sheldon commanded, acerbically smiling and caressing the glistening tip of his cock. "And, no, you may not climax."

"How the hell do you expect me to control that, Sheldon?"

"Tantric sex has been espousing both the means and the benefits of such control for centuries," Sheldon pontificated. "I advise you attempt tantric theory now."

"Mmm… but I…" Penny gasped and milled the vibrator against herself desperately. "_Please, _Dr. COoper!"

Sheldon leaned down over the bed and hovered over Penny's splayed form. He planted a hand on either side of her shoulders, his fingers raveled in her hair, spread like a halo around her face.

He inclined so that his lips nearly touched hers and whispered, "Now."

Then he kissed her fiercely as she came, his tongue dancing with hers in a way that Penny absently thought was alarmingly more advanced and knowledgeable than it had been just days before.

He really was a fast learner.

"Umph," Penny sighed into his kiss as she clenched around the toy. Her contractions came hard and fast, more intense than she remembered them ever being. Perhaps, she thought distantly, it was the waiting, the resistance. More likely, though, she suspected, it was that Sheldon was kissing her as she came, urging her with his tongue to come harder and longer.

When she could take no more, she finally pulled away from him and collapsed her head back onto the comforter, gasping and panting. She pulled the toy out of herself and tossed it aside on the bed, thinking that the blankets would need to be washed as soon as possible.

"In the words of so many overeager schoolchildren," Sheldon whispered furtively in Penny's ear, "it's 'my turn.'"

He didn't give her any more chance to recover from her intense orgasm. Instead, he roughly spun her at her waist and urged her up onto her hands and knees. He pulled her backwards so that he had access to her at the edge of the bed. Leaning over so that his lips were at her ear again, he whispered,

"Is this all right?"

Penny briefly smiled to herself at the fact that he was asking permission. Of course he would. He was her Sheldon. Her MoonPie.

"Yes, Dr. Cooper. Commence, please," she said shakily, trying to get back to his little role-play.

He growled in approval, and after a moment, Penny felt him enter her. She yelped as he filled her up; he was so enormous, and somehow over the course of the last day she'd entirely forgotten that.

"Ungh… Sheldon!" Penny sighed under her breath, hissing as his length slicked into her one tortuous inch at a time.

"What did you call me?" Sheldon snarled.

"Dr. Cooper!" Penny corrected herself, more loudly this time. It came out something like a yelp, because he had pushed himself so far into her that his tip had touched her cervix, and she pulled her hips away from him instinctively.

Sheldon seemed to know he had thrust too far into Penny, so when he next pushed in, he (thankfully) didn't go so far. Still, his girth was enormous and Penny could feel her internal walls stretching to accommodate him.

Her head dangled between her shoulders, her golden hair hanging loose and free and swishing back and forth with each thrust. She wobbled on her shaky arms and finally collapsed onto her elbows, burying her face in her forearms in an attempt to stifle her ever-increasing cries of, "Dr. Cooper! Dr. Cooper!" Penny felt Sheldon's hands on her waist, using her torso for leverage as he lunged. As Sheldon's thrusting tempo increased, his own moans mingled with Penny's until he hollered her name clamorously.

It wasn't until Penny felt his warm, wet seed leaking out of her body that she realized neither of them had remembered the condom.

She almost laughed at the insight, but she knew Sheldon would be disturbed and dismayed. Sure enough, when he pulled himself out and Penny turned her body to look at him, Sheldon had his hand over his mouth and his eyes looked distraught.

"Oh, good Lord," he said, his voice panicked.

"It's okay, honey," Penny said reassuringly, pulling herself up onto her knees and putting her hands on Sheldon's bare, freckled shoulders. "Let's get you in a shower."

"Let's get _you_ in a shower!" Sheldon insisted.

"First of all, I want to reassure you that I'm on birth control," Penny said, as they stepped gingerly toward the bathroom. Sheldon nodded warily, and Penny lamented that the romantic moment had been somewhat ruined. "Also, I have absolutely no STDs."

"Well, neither do I," Sheldon insisted.

"I know that, honey," Penny told him, rolling her eyes.

"How could you possibly know that?" Sheldon demanded as they closed the bathroom door behind them.

Penny chuckled, turning on the tap in the shower. "I just… suspected."

"That's not very scientific," Sheldon argued.

"_I'm _not very scientific, now, am I?" Penny asked rhetorically, and before Sheldon could make it a non-rhetorical question, she held up her pointer finger. "Go ahead and get in the shower. I'll take one after you," she said.

Sheldon hesitated as he stepped into the shower. "Would you like to consolidate both time and water supply and take a shower with me?" he asked. Penny grinned.

Sheldon was demonstrating to Penny the proper methodology of cleansing the scalp with shampoo when he paused and said very softly,

"It was all just pretend, right, Penny?"

Penny wiped shampoo suds out of her eyes and looked up at him. He stood under the stream of water, and rivulets ran over his short brown hair, his slender neck, his sculpted shoulders, his chiseled chest, and beyond. His bright blue eyes seemed to shine like luminescent sapphires in the dim of the shower stall. Penny shivered in the dry, chilled air.

"What was all pretend, honey?" she asked absently, knowing she looked ridiculous with a head full of suds.

"Me… commanding you. It was simply in the name of amusement. I should think that tomorrow, I would like to just hold you and kiss you and make love to you slowly and gently."

Penny smiled crookedly at him and reached up to rub her thumb under his beautiful blue eye. "Tomorrow?" she asked skeptically. "I think it would be smart if we slowed things down a little bit, sweetie," she said, though she wished with all her heart she didn't agree with what she was saying.

"Very well," Sheldon nodded. "The day after tomorrow, then." With that, he leaned down and kissed Penny very deeply.

* * *

**The Boorishness Justification**

* * *

Penny brought a heavy tray to Table 5 and began the 'auction' for which she was so frequently scolded by her manager.

"Caesar salad?" she said, expectantly holding out the dish. A plump middle-aged woman raised her hand timidly, and Penny put the salad down in front of her. She continued the 'auction' until all the meals had been distributed, then lowered her tray and said, "Can I get you anything else?"

When the group of older customers shook their heads no, Penny smiled brightly and turned to leave. She saw her favorite group of whack-a-doodles (_sans _Alex) come strolling in and seat themselves at the bar, and she narrowed her eyes. Wasn't it Thursday? They'd just been in on Tuesday.

Penny strolled up to the bar as Raj, Howard, Leonard, and Sheldon got comfortable on the barstools.

"What fresh hell is this?" Penny asked jokingly, quoting Sheldon. He looked at her strangely, and Leonard suppressed an amused laugh. Well, Penny thought, at least she and Leonard were apparently back on the 'friendship' plane.

"It's 'Anything Can Happen Thursday,'" Howard reminded Penny. "Bernadette, Alex, and Amy all had to work in their labs tonight, so we figured we would come visit you at _your_ place of employment."

"Oh, well, welcome to my lab," Penny jested. "I think you'll find the food a bit tastier here than in Bernadette's pharmaceutical joint, Alex's theoretical physics dive, or Amy's neurobiology diner."

The boys all laughed (Raj did so silently) and even Sheldon managed an awkward little titter. For a brief moment, Penny felt like everything was back the way it was supposed to be – how it was when she'd first moved in across the hallway from 4A and they were all just an ungainly group of friends.

Yup, everything was hunky-dory… until Elliott Harvey walked into the restaurant.

Alone.

He gazed around like a blithering idiot for a moment until he finally spotted her, and then he raised his hand like he was hailing a cab and yelled across the dining room,

"Penny!"

Penny buried her face in her hands and sighed, "Oh, crap on a cracker."

Raj furrowed his brow in confusion and said nothing – his alcoholic talk-inducer had not arrived yet. Leonard did the opposite with his eyebrows and raised them, pursing his lips. Howard seemed to survey the man as though sizing up some form of competition. Sheldon simply said,

"Would that by any chance be the young man who inquired after your phone number several nights ago, Penny?"

"Uh-huh," Penny admitted, and she walked away from the League of Extraordinary Nerds to tend to her little Elliott problem. He had taken a seat at a two-top. "Hi," she said, sounding a bit too friendly, when she'd reached his table. "You must have enjoyed the food a lot when you were here last."

"Yeah. That, or, the service," Elliott said, cracking a too-wide smile.

Penny faked a grin back at him. "You know what, sweetheart?" she said, trying her best to sound kind. "You remember what I told you about me having a thing with a guy?" She lowered her voice and leaned onto the table. "Listen… he's actually here right now, so… I don't want to make a scene. I'm gonna have another waitress come over here and take care of you, okay? I appreciate your, um… interest, but -"

"He's here?" Elliott cocked an eyebrow and looked around the dining room. "Where?"

Penny chuckled nervously. "Want to check him out?" she asked skeptically. "He's at the bar."

The only people at the bar were Sheldon, Leonard, Howard, and Raj, so Elliott had no way of knowing which one of the group belonged to Penny. What he could obviously tell was that all four of them were staring daggers at him.

"Those losers?" Elliott whispered viciously. He put his hand over Penny's, and she stared at it with pursed lips. "Don't you think you can do better than that?" he asked, his voice liquid silk. "A pretty girl like you?"

"Those _'losers' _would be on you like a pack of hungry wolves the second I said 'sic him,'" Penny told Elliott, her voice like ice and her eyes angry, narrow slits. She was silent for a moment as Elliott chewed the inside of his cheek.

"You should come home with me," he said very effortlessly after a moment. "I'll show you what a real man can do." Penny snatched her hand back.

"I think it would be best if you left now," she told him.

Elliott looked like he was contemplating saying something else, some sort of smooth comeback, but instead he wordlessly rose and walked silently from the restaurant. Penny turned on her feet, concentrating hard on not letting her knees give out, and hurried with trembling, outstretched hands over to the bar. She collapsed onto Sheldon's chest.

"What did he say?" Sheldon asked confusedly. "What happened?"

"Nothing, MoonPie," Penny lied. "Just… please… let's go home."

"Drop it, Sheldon," Leonard insisted as he, Sheldon, and Penny climbed the steps of 2311 Los Robles. Leonard looked knowingly at Penny and nodded. Penny thought to herself that, although she and Leonard made a lousy couple, they made good friends. After all, Leonard was a nerd like the rest of the guys, but he could at least maintain a relatively 'normal' social conversation and rapport. That was the frustrating thing about Sheldon. He had no social graces whatsoever – no ability to sense when or why someone was troubled, offended, had hurt feelings, etc. There was so much to him that Penny found appealing, so much to love and admire, but this one failure was proving particularly ruinous at the moment.

"I'm sorry! I don't understand how, if all that man had said was, 'I think you're fat,' that Penny would be as upset as she is right now!" Sheldon insisted once again.

Penny whirled on him on the fourth landing.

"He didn't call me fat, okay?" she yelled. "I told you that to get you off of my back about it! He called you all losers! I told him I was taken, just like I promised you I'd done. Then he came back in and I told him my boyfriend was in the restaurant, and he saw you all sitting at the bar, and he called you losers!"

Sheldon crumpled his brow, confused. "I fail to see how _that_ could possibly upset you, either, Penny. I assure you, Leonard and I have been called 'losers' as long as our adversaries have had the word in their feeble vocabularies."

"Sheldon, you don't under -"

"And, anyway, another salient point would be that my friends and I are clearly not the 'losers' in the comparative situation. We are, in fact, the relative 'winners.' We hold advanced academic degrees, we are in mutually beneficial social relationships, we enjoy high standards of living, and we are gainfully employed. To utilize the term 'loser' as a derogatory insult, then, is not only specious and false, but also foolish."

Penny's mouth dropped open and she shook her head in disbelief. She raised her hands as if to hold back the tide of Sheldon's never-ending words and took a few steps backwards toward her apartment.

"Goodnight, Leonard," she said, and she whirled around to open the door to her own apartment. As she closed it behind her, she heard Sheldon say to Leonard,

"She didn't say 'goodnight' to me."

"No, shit, Sheldon," Leonard said in response.

Penny just shook her head again as tears bubbled out of her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks.

* * *

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

The knocks were quiet and slow, and the 'Penny's were soft and plaintive.

Penny creaked the door open reluctantly, standing in the threshold in a purple Hello Kitty robe and fluffy moccasins. Sheldon stood on the other side of the doorway, wearing a very nervous-looking expression. He was holding a bouquet of pink and white calla lilies and a bottle of white wine.

Penny just cocked an eyebrow and said, "Can I help you?" It had been three hours since she'd told him off by saying nothing to him in the hallway. It was now eleven p.m. – past Sheldon's bedtime.

Sheldon licked his lips anxiously and said, "I have come to apologize, Penny."

"You have, have you?" Penny pursed her lips. "With flowers and… _wine_?"

"It's for you, obviously."

"Obviously," Penny nodded. "Would you like to come in, Sheldon?"

"I would much prefer to attempt to ingratiate myself in your living room rather than complete this somewhat humiliating process here in the hallway," Sheldon nodded, stepping past Penny into her apartment.

Penny shut the door behind Sheldon as he set the flowers down on her coffee table and along with the wine bottle and said,

"As I said, Penny, I have come to apologize for my boorish behavior. I have been made painfully aware of the error of my ways by none other than Leonard, who has informed me that you were attempting to spare me the humiliation of taunting by a stranger. While it may baffle and confuse me that you would try to protect me from such benign mocking, I am nonetheless somewhat touched at your attempt to guard my feelings, such as they are."

"Get back to your apology, Sheldon," Penny warned.

"Anyway…" Sheldon sighed, "I'm very, very sorry, Penny. I was rude and uncouth in the hallway. I'm _trying._ You must understand, even with Amy, I have never engaged in what any sane person would call a 'real' relationship…"

"Oh, honey, I know," Penny interjected.

"And, yet, I am _trying,_" Sheldon repeated, holding his hands up desperately. "I can not adequately express to you the sensations which coursed through my various bodily systems at the Cheesecake Factory when I saw you with that other man. My circulatory system responded in the form of an elevated heart rate. My respiratory system responded my raising my breathing rate and making my breath shallow. My flight-or-fight response system was activated – I felt the urge to either take the man on in hand-to-hand combat or flee the restaurant in disgrace."

Penny looked at Sheldon like he was an adorable little puppy and sighed. "Oh, honey," she said kindly, "You never had anything to worry about with that douchebag."

"Well," Sheldon said, "I _am_ sorry, Penny, that I responded in so loutish a manner to your distraught state. I have heard you on numerous occasions mention that you have a fondness for lilies, and it can be discerned through the most casual observation of your wardrobe and belongings that pink is a favorite color of yours. Therefore, I hope that this pink lilies are satisfactory." He gestured to the calla lilies on the coffee table, and Penny picked them up and smelled them.

"They're lovely, MoonPie," she murmured. "I'll just put them in some water."

"Only MeeMaw calls me MoonPie," she heard Sheldon mutter under his breath as she waltzed into her kitchen.

"Do you mind if I open the wine?" Penny asked, filling a cheap old vase with water from the tap.

"I suppose not. I did bring it for you," Sheldon admitted. "It's a 2005 Hugel and Fils Gewürztraminer."

He sounded like he'd memorized that, so Penny looked at him skeptically. She picked the bottle up off the coffee table and read the label.

"Hugel and Fils Gewürztraminer. 2005," she read. "Sure enough. How'd you pick this?" she asked.

"The nice lady at the liquor store recommended it," Sheldon divulged. "I told her I had a strict budget of twenty dollars for a bottle of wine, and that you drank an _awful_ lot of white wine. She told me that this bottle of white wine cost _exactly_ twenty dollars."

Penny suppressed a cynical grin. Oh, Sheldon. No filter.

Instead of any number of peanut gallery comments she could make, Penny opted for, "Thank you very much, Sheldon."

"You're welcome."

"Would you like a glass?" Penny asked as she popped the cork, though she knew what he'd say. His answer surprised her.

"Oh, why not? 'Winter Break' starts tomorrow. The lab will be closed. I won't have anywhere to work. Might as well ruin my morning." He looked sullen. Penny raised her eyebrows and said,

"Well, all righty, then." She poured _two_ glasses of wine, one significantly more full than the other, and brought them to the couch. She sat beside Sheldon and clinked her glass against his, saying, "Cheers." She took a sip of wine and watched as Sheldon took a mighty swig.

"Does this mean you've forgiven me?" he asked. Penny nodded.

"Do you want to play a game?" she asked suddenly.

"What kind of game?" Sheldon furrowed his brow.

"A drinking game," Penny told him. Sheldon looked skeptical. "It's a _trivia_ game," Penny said, in an effort to entice him, and Sheldon looked happier. "I ask you a question about popular culture, and if you're wrong, you have to take a sip. You ask me a question about physics, and if I'm wrong, I have to take a sip."

"Penny, you'll be passed out in minutes," Sheldon said derisively.

"You have to make the questions, like, _regular kid_ elementary school level," Penny specified.

Sheldon narrowed his eyes. "Oh, all right," he agreed. "You go first, I suppose."

"Okay," Penny said, thinking for a moment. "What celebrity starred in the films _Titanic, Catch Me If You Can, _and _The Aviator_?"

"Hmmm… This is useless drivel," Sheldon said. "None of those films are worth a cent. Tom Hanks?"

"Close!" Penny said comfortingly. "He was in one of them. It was Leonardo di Caprio. Drink!'

Sheldon frowned and took far too big a swig for a drinking game. Penny didn't comment.

"All right," Sheldon said, coughing back the alcohol. "How old was Lawrence Bragg when he became the youngest winner of the Nobel Prize?"

"Um… I don't know… twenty-five?" Penny guessed.

Sheldon stared blankly at her.

"Twenty-five?" Penny said again.

"How did you know that?" Sheldon demanded.

"Lucky guess?" Penny shrugged.

Sheldon put his lips in a line. "Your turn," he said unhappily.

Penny grinned. "Here. I'll take a little tiny sip just so we're even, okay?" She imbibed a bit of wine, and Sheldon seemed at least somewhat mollified. "Okay. This one's easy. How many husbands did Elizabeth Taylor have?"

Sheldon raised an eyebrow. "One?"

"Um… no. Sorry," Penny giggled. "The correct answer was seven."

Sheldon looked horrified. "Good Lord! Why commit oneself to serial monogamy at all if one is to essentially be the proverbial bicycle?" He took another large swig, finishing off his glass of wine. Penny poured him another full glass. She knew he couldn't hold his liquor, and that he'd be gone within another glass. She thought back to when he was drunk out of his mind – and out of his pants – at the awards ceremony a few years back after two glasses of wine.

"All right, Penny. I'll simplify this question by making it an earth science question instead of physics. Which lake contains more water than all the Great Lakes combined?" Sheldon asked, his words starting to slur horribly.

"Um… Lake Titicaca?" Penny said, giggling ferociously. She knew she was wrong, so she took a huge swig of wine, finishing off her own glass.

"Well, at least that's a real lake," Sheldon admitted. "The correct answer, my dear, was Lake Baikal. It is 25 million years old, located in Southern Siberia, and contains approximately twenty percent of the world's fresh water. At 5,387 feet, it is the deepest of all lakes it the world."

"Now you have to chug your whole glass," Penny informed Sheldon.

"Why?" Sheldon demanded.

"For being an intolerable know-it-all," Penny said snootily. Sheldon looked skeptical.

"You didn't mention that as one of the rules of the game," Sheldon insisted.

"I'm mentioning it now," Penny said, and Sheldon acquiesced by taking swig after swig of his Gewürztraminer until the glass was drained. Penny clapped happily. She herself was merely on the verge of tipsy, having had a glass and a half for her own part. But Sheldon… he was appearing to be downright drunk as the moments passed.

"We should play another game!" Sheldon exclaimed after a brief moment of silence in which Penny sipped a bit more wine.

"Oh, yeah?" Penny said. "What game would you like to play?"

"Strip Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock!" Sheldon cried happily. He sloppily poured himself some more wine and guzzled it.

"Strip… Rock-Paper-Scissors… Lizard… Spock?" Penny repeated in disbelief. "You mean the five-way Rock-Paper-Scissors, but when you lose, you have to take off a piece of clothes?"

"Precisely what I mean, Penny! You are much smarter than people credit you!"

"Oh, gee. Thanks, MoonPie," Penny said, and Sheldon, in his drunken state, let the MoonPie moniker slide.

Sheldon took a moment to gleefully teach Penny the basic tenets of the game – Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitate lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. Rock crushes scissors. When Penny was extremely confused by the game, Sheldon fetched a piece of paper from her kitchen and, with a pen, drew out a normal form matrix of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock. Rows represented choices for Player 1 while columns represented choices for Player 2. The numbers in the cells showed the payoff for (Player 1, Player 2), as Sheldon explained. Penny nearly exploded at him.

"How does this help?" she exclaimed, by this time the alcohol fully sinking in. She looked into Sheldon's glistening blue eyes, glazed over by drink. He grinned inanely.

"The matrix explains…"

"Oh, screw it. Let's play," Penny said.

"Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock!" They said in unison.

Penny held up her hand like a sock puppet and Sheldon held up a fist. He grinned crookedly.

"Rock crushes lizard," he said with glee. Penny removed her Hello Kitty robe and Sheldon made a happy little noise as Penny revealed her silky chemise.

"Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock!"

Now Penny held up a fist while Sheldon made the Vulcan salute. He giggled and said,

"Spock vaporizes rock!"

Penny groaned and stripped off her silky chemise, leaving her in just her panties. "Don't have very far to go, here, honey, and you're wearing… well, everything," she said.

"It's funny, isn't it?" Sheldon laughed, and Penny flattened her lips.

"Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock!"

Penny made the Vulcan salute and Sheldon held his hand horizontally flat.

He shook his head and pulled the corner of his lips up. "Penny, Penny, Penny. So predictable. You're _trying _to get naked, aren't you? Paper disproves Spock. Off with them." He nodded toward her panties.

Penny rose and stood in front of the couch, giggling like a schoolgirl. She slipped her thumbs into the waistband of her panties and started to slide them down when her phone started ringing.

"Just ignore it," Penny said breathlessly.

"Penny," Sheldon insisted, "It may be important."

Growling with irritation, Penny snatched her phone off the coffee table and strode into the kitchen. She didn't recognize the phone number calling. She swiped the screen and said,

"Hello?"

"Penny?"

"Hi. Who's this?"

"This is Elliott Harvey."

* * *

**The Guesthouse Deposition**

* * *

"Hurry up and get dressed, Sheldon."

"I'm already dressed, Penny," Sheldon managed drunkenly. "Who was on the phone?"

"It was that stupid Elliott guy. We have to leave. I think he knows where I live."

"Excuse me? How would he possibly know that? I thought you said that you did not give him your telephone number."

"I didn't!" Penny insisted, pulling on blue jeans and a t-shirt hurriedly. "We have to go!"

Her conversation with Elliott had been frightening and brief.

_'How did you get this number?' she had asked him._

_'A little birdie told me.'_

_'Cell numbers aren't listed.'_

_'No. They're not.' Elliott had sighed and said, 'You look strikingly beautiful without anything on, Penny.'_

**_Beep._**

_She'd hung up on him and run over to the windows, her heart racing. She'd flung the drapes closed and frantically searched the horizon for his light green eyes, though she didn't see him._

Now Penny panted as she tossed clothes into a suitcase and shouted to Sheldon,

"Run across the hall and grab your things! No, don't! I'm ready. I'll come with you."

Sheldon stumbled behind her, completely confused as to what was transpiring, as she locked the door of her apartment behind her and wheeled her suitcase across the hall into Apartment 4A.

"Penny, where are we going?"

"We're going to a motel. Grab your toothbrush, pajamas, and a change of clothes. We're going to a La Quinta or something."

Sheldon gasped and looked at Penny with wide, glazed eyes.

"We will do no such thing," he slurred. "Penny, hotels, and, worse, _motels_, are ridden with pests and diseases. If we must away to temporary accommodation as the result of some sort of stalker figure's precipitous manifestation, then we will flee to the best lodging accessible – the Langham Huntington."

Penny cocked an eyebrow. She knew Sheldon made a fair bit of money as a professor at the University, but… the Langham Huntington? Wouldn't that max out his credit card? Nonetheless, Sheldon was sitting at his computer moments later, determinedly shooing off Penny, who was trying desperately to stop him from making a reservation. Granted, she was also trying to get him moving so they could leave faster, but…

"There. All booked. Now, Penny, what we're going to do is tell the cab driver to take us to Los Angeles. Then, he will bring us back to Pasadena to the Langham Huntington. By that time, hopefully, we will have lost this Elliott character."

Penny nodded, her eyes narrowed.

"Okay," she said. "I swear, Sheldon, I'll pay you back."

"Penny," Sheldon shook his head seriously, "What did I say about fiscal obligation in a communal liaison?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Penny sighed.

"It is!" Sheldon said proudly, and went to gather his things, not as quickly as Penny would have liked.

Soon, they were stuck in traffic toward Los Angeles in a cab, and Penny was anxiously rubbernecking out all the windows, searching for Elliott. Finally, she reached over and clutched at Sheldon's hand. He stared down at their interlocked hands and smiled a little bit, the intense drunken stupor into which he'd fallen earlier beginning to droop a bit.

"You know," Sheldon said softly, "I wonder if we wouldn't be better off just calling the police."

"Maybe we _should_ call the police," Penny said thoughtfully. She looked at Sheldon. "Let's go home and call them."

Sheldon pursed his lips and looked solemnly out the window.

"We'll call them from the hotel," he said.

* * *

Penny had to do the checking-in at the hotel, marveling at the beautiful chandelier and the crown molding. To make matters worse, she was relatively certain the woman at the desk thought Penny was a prostitute with a drunken customer (Sheldon).

Sighing as she headed for the elevator, Penny called out, "Come on, Sheldon." Then, glancing back at the woman at the front desk, she said rather loudly to Sheldon, "Did you remember to bring your UV light for your toothbrush?" It was a cheap attempt to show the employees that she was _very_ familiar with the man paying for the room. Sheldon didn't realize he was helping when he answered,

"Of course, Penny! You know me; Mr. Clean."

Penny grinned at him but kept her distance. They stepped into the elevator and the door shut. Sheldon hit the '3' button and turned to Penny.

"Do I smell like wine?" he asked timidly.

"Only a little," Penny assured him. "Why?"

"I'm sure the police will come to the room when we notify them of your pursuer," Sheldon noted. "I'm sure they will send an officer to keep watch outside the hotel room in case Elliott Harvey should decide to show up at our door in the middle of the night. I don't want it to be evident that I've been consuming alcohol this evening."

They were now at the door of their room, and Penny inserted the key, handing Sheldon his copy. They stepped inside and Penny gasped.

"Oh, Sheldon. It's beautiful," she breathed, beholding the various shades of mocha in rich fabrics throughout the room. Dark woods and luxe palms adorned the sumptuous room. Penny wandered around for a moment, just looking, before she noticed that Sheldon had done up both locks and was now wedging a heavy chair under the door handle.

"You know that the cops are not going to do jack shit, right?" Penny said suddenly, and Sheldon turned back toward her in surprise, a look of exasperated indignation on his face.

"What on Earth do you mean?" he demanded, crossing his arms.

"The cops have better things to deal with, like crimes that have already been committed," Penny informed him, sitting down on the very comfortable king-sized bed.

"We're still going to call them," Sheldon said, and he took out his phone and started dialing. He began pacing around the room and Penny watched him from the bed. She allowed him to make the call because she'd filled him in completely in the cab on the way over – everything Elliott had said in the restaurant and on the phone. "Hello?" Sheldon said. "Non-emergency Pasadena police? Yes. My name is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'm calling on behalf of my girlfriend, Penny."

Penny felt her heart skip a beat. His _girlfriend._ He'd just called her his _girlfriend_. To the _police_. How romantic.

"She has as of late been the victim of stalking. A man by the name of Elliott Harvey was a customer of hers at her place of employment. I beg your pardon? That would be The Cheesecake Factory. Excuse me? I'll ask her."

Sheldon turned to Penny.

"The police officer wants to know if the New York Cheesecake is any good."

"He's messing with you, Sheldon," Penny smiled grimly. Sheldon frowned.

"It's delicious," he said angrily into the phone. "In any case, Mr. Harvey inquired after Penny's telephone number. When he was refused, he returned to The Cheesecake Factory and pursued Penny again. Once more, he was refused. Somehow, we do not know how, he obtained Penny's cell phone number. Earlier this evening, he called Penny while she wore nothing but scanty undergarments and commented that she looked very attractive. Of course, he could not know that she wore only underwear nor that she looked good so scantily clad unless he was in the position of looking in Penny's admittedly open window."

Sheldon paused again and looked confusedly at Penny.

"Yes, Mr. Harvey was right in his assessment, but I fail to see what that has to do with anything."

Penny snorted.

"Well, I would ask what you intend on doing about this matter. His name is Elliott Harvey. My name? Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper. Yes. Her address is 2311 North Los Robles, Apartment 4B. However, we are currently in concealment at the Langham Huntington Hotel, room 306. Indeed. Thank you very kindly."

Sheldon pressed 'end' and looked at Penny. He shrugged. Penny thought briefly about how quickly all of this had happened. Just a few hours earlier, she'd been playing 'Strip Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock' with a very intoxicated Sheldon. Now the drinks had metabolized and he was more clear-headed, reacting in a surprisingly clear-headed way to a frightening situation. Even so, it all seemed rather ridiculous. Elliott Harvey had been able to see in Penny's windows and had gotten her cell phone number, and he had pursued her, and Sheldon's reaction was to sweep Penny off in a cab to the Langham Huntington.

Might as well make the most of it.

"It sucks, doesn't it?" Penny said from her spot seated on the bed. She glanced at the clock. 11:15. Past Sheldon's bedtime.

Sheldon was methodically unpacking his suitcase into the dresser drawers. He did not turn to face her.

"What 'sucks,' Penny?" he asked offhandedly. "The fact that we are resigned to rented accommodation? The fact that you are subjected to the unwanted attentions of a strange man?"

"The fact that you and I were interrupted just as I was removing my underwear," Penny said, waiting to see what Sheldon's reaction would be.

Sheldon's long fingers stopped moving as they were putting away shirts into the drawer, and Penny saw the back of his neck move as he gulped.

"It is unfortunate," he said quietly. "I was somewhat looking forward to… coitus…" He stood straight and turned to face Penny, an uncertain expression on his sculpted face. "Am I correct in assuming that our activities were on the verge of leading to coitus?"

"Mm hmm." Penny nodded, smiling gently. "Drat," she said suddenly. "I didn't bring any condoms with me…"

"I don't need them anymore." Sheldon shook his head determinedly. "I am comfortable with your body, Penny."

Penny sighed and ran her hands down her thighs over the thick fabric of her jeans. "It would make me feel… I don't know, safer? More comfortable? If we picked up where we left off…"

"You wish to engage in coitus as a means of consolation and stress relief?" Sheldon confirmed, striding to stand in between Penny's knees.

Penny looked up into his blue eyes and nodded.

"Yes, please," she said very softly.

"Well, all right," Sheldon agreed.

While Sheldon stripped off his clothes and folded them into a neat pile, Penny plugged her phone into the speakers on the nightstand and started playing Bon Iver's "Holocene."

She took off her own jeans and shirt and tossed them next to the bed, lying on her back on top of the plush cream coverlet. Sheldon stood nude beside the bed and reached down to trace his fingers through Penny's blonde hair. Penny shut her eyes and swallowed hard, concentrating on the feel of Sheldon's touch.

"It's warmer under the blankets," Sheldon told Penny.

He pulled the coverlet back and urged Penny underneath, tucking her bare body in and climbing in with her. They lay on their sides facing one another and kissed for a long while, hands caressing faces. After some time, Sheldon's lithe fingers drifted and danced across Penny's skin, tracing down her neck and across her collarbone, stroking her breasts and arms and squeezing her hands.

For some reason, it was enough for Penny tonight to get her started. She felt the wonderful warmth of arousal spreading through her veins and the delightful pressure in her nether regions as the next song – "The Wolves" – came on.

Penny was doing a lot of touching for her part, tangling her fingers in the indistinct patch of hair on Sheldon's chest and down his forearms. She ghosted her hands over his hardening member and heard his quiet breath hitch.

Sheldon pulled himself atop Penny and pushed her legs apart with his knee. She pulled her own knees up toward her waist and shut her eyes tightly as he gently pushed into her. As he did, he kissed her deeply and moaned very softly.

He seemed to make love to her forever, pushing in and out in a slow, steady rhythm for a few songs before Penny tensed beneath him and experienced a mild, temperate release. It wasn't intense, but it was pleasurable. She didn't scream his name; she whispered it, but he heard it just the same.

After that, he felt like he could finish, too – Penny could tell. Sheldon sped up his ministrations and emptied himself into her as he kissed her deeply again, making a choked crying sort of noise into their kiss as he came.

After it was all over, they wordlessly took a shower and scrubbed away the evidence of their lovemaking. Then they got back into bed, Sheldon in his Thursday pajamas and Penny in a cozy Hello Kitty nightshirt.

She fell asleep cuddled into his chest, surprised that he didn't protest. Surely he would say she was impeding his comfort, that she was keeping him from having a good night's sleep. He didn't. He just stroked her damp hair leaned down to give her a minty kiss on her forehead as she drifted off to sleep.

When Penny woke up in the morning, her eyes fluttered open to see the surroundings of the hotel room, and it took her a moment to realize where she rolled over and saw Sheldon sitting up against the headboard, staring at her with a content little smile on his face.

"Good morning," Penny yawned.

"Good morning, Penny," Sheldon answered. "I love you."

* * *

**The Adoration Illustration**

* * *

"Oh, _God_, Sheldon!" Penny groaned and buried her face in her hands.

Sheldon said nothing. He simply raised his eyebrows and waited for Penny to make her next move.

"You have no idea what you're saying," Penny insisted.

"Au contraire, Penny," Sheldon maintained, holding up a pointer finger. "It is now 10:22 a.m. I have been awake since precisely 6:15 a.m. Therefore, I spent exactly four hours and seven minutes contemplating whether or not to speak those three words."

That only made Penny feel worse. When Leonard had blurted out the premature 'I love you' a few years back, Penny had cut him at least a tiny bit of slack because he'd done it immediately after sex, seemingly without thinking. Sheldon had a point. He'd slept on it; he'd thought about it for hours. Rarely did _any_hasty words escape Sheldon's mouth – everything was carefully considered and cogitated. If, at 10:22 in the morning, after hours of sleep and more hours of thought, Dr. Sheldon Cooper had told _anyone_ that he loved them, well, he almost certainly meant it.

That scared Penny.

"Sheldon…" Penny uttered, her voice a distraught grumble.

"May I suggest eliminating the unpleasant variable of so-called 'morning breath' from the equation of this conversation?" Sheldon recommended. Penny rolled her eyes and collapsed onto the pillow in frustration, but eventually followed Sheldon into the bathroom. They brushed their teeth in silence, and then Penny walked out toward the window and stared mutely outside.

She gazed out at the russet mountains scattered palms and sighed. Sheldon Cooper… loved her. How to process that?

Before Penny could answer her own question, Sheldon stepped up behind her in his hunter green plaid pajamas. In the reflection of him reproduced in the floor-to-ceiling window, Penny could see his mussed hair, his jaw shadowed by scruff, and his bright blue eyes. He was looking at her shoulder, covered by the light teal cotton of her nightshirt. Very cautiously, Sheldon lifted a trembling hand and placed it hesitantly and uncertainly on Penny's shoulder. His eyes rose to meet hers in their translucent mirrored images.

"You know," he began, and Penny thought it strange that she could see the mountains of Pasadena through his reflected image, "I _do_ remember when Leonard injudiciously and prematurely told you that he loved you. There are several key things to remember about that incident. First, Leonard _did_ love you. He simply selected a most inopportune moment to notify you. Admittedly, I likely did the same this morning by rather surprising you immediately upon waking you. There was almost certainly a more quixotic situation that could be imagined in which to notify you of my emotions. The important thing to remember about _me_ is that I promise my words are true and well-considered."

Sheldon removed his hand from Penny's shoulder and took a step back from her.

"What is quite evident in both the case of my unfortunate roommate and my unfortunate self is that each of us faced and face a situation of unrequited love and unreciprocated affection."

Penny turned from the window and scrunched her brow rather angrily at Sheldon, but he continued talking, staring at his feet.

"I acknowledge, Penny, that it is extraordinarily early in our relationship to be going about professing love. However, you know as well as I do that I do not base the value of a relationship on the quality of the coitus. Rather, I always considered that I would fall in love after many years of getting to know a person's many facets – all their quirks and idiosyncrasies. If I liked said idiosyncrasies, and if for whatever reason I was able to acclimatize a person's foibles with my own schedule and ways and means, well… that would just be perfect, wouldn't it?"

Penny smiled gently. "Mm hmm," she said softly.

"And the thing is, Penny," Sheldon blathered on, "with Amy… she and I were _too_ similar in our idiosyncratic styles. It was… well, it was _boring._ I know it may very well shock you to hear me, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, bemoan a 'boring' situation, but hear me out. With you, Penny, _nothing_ is boring. Bowling is not boring. Thai food is not boring. Online gaming is not boring. Making little hair bows is not boring. Being sick is not boring. Even drinking alcohol is not boring. You make life _fun_, Penny, and you don't even have to _try._"

Penny chuckled under her breath and blushed. She chewed on her lip and glanced out the window. She did not know what to say.

"Besides, I've known you for nearly six years now," Sheldon said, shrugging. "I think we know one another inside and out. I am relatively certain, after much rumination and internal examination, that I was deeply in love with you for at least several years prior to the initiation of our romantic relationship. I have only this morning decided to verbalize my sentiments."

"Yeah," Penny nodded, pursing her lips. "Me, too, MoonPie."

"You, too, what?" Sheldon asked.

Penny looked desperately into his eyes. "Please," she whispered, begging him not to make her say it. He looked confused, shook his head, and shrugged. Penny leaned up and planted a soft kiss on his pillowy lips.

"Me, too," she said again, snaking her arms around his neck. Sheldon curled his fingers into her hair and looked at her with knowing eyes. Even so, Penny said, "I love you, too, Sheldon."

* * *

**The Razor Provocation**

* * *

"Tell me again," Sheldon said in his 'crafty' voice, smiling rather uncannily at Penny. She giggled, her hands linked behind his neck.

"I love you," she said very melodramatically, turning on her best soap-opera voice and facial expression. She tossed her hair and swept her mouth up onto Sheldon's, enveloping his mouth in a histrionic kiss. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

She planted little kisses all over Sheldon's face, flashing back to the time she'd done so while they were playing a game and she'd pinned him down. Then, he'd begged her to stop – called in the cavalry in the form of Amy. Oh, how the times had changed.

"Do you mean it?" Sheldon asked very quietly, giving her a serious look then. His sapphire eyes searched hers desperately.

"Yes," Penny whispered assuredly, nodding. "I mean it, Sheldon."

His eyes looked happy then, in their depths, at a level Penny had not observed emotion before.

Sheldon pulled slowly away and meandered over to the desk in the room, where he started thumbing through the leather-bound guide to the hotel.

"Breakfast…" he mumbled, searching. "Ah, yes," he said after a moment. "The spa. Would you like to go later?"

"Well, when is check-out?" Penny asked uncomfortably. "We have to pack up and get out of here, right?"

Sheldon raised an eyebrow at her. "Where, exactly, do you think we are going to go, Penny?" he demanded. "The police have yet to apprehend your stalker. They notified me this morning that he has a criminal record spanning several restraining orders. In addition, he was subject to probation, the terms of which he violated in his dangerous and disturbing surveillance of you. Therefore, they have issued a warrant for his arrest and are currently searching for him."

"Oh," was all Penny could say, looking out the window nervously as if she would see Elliott there, three stories below.

"I'd like to buy you a spa treatment," Sheldon said again, "to take your mind off of the trauma of this matter."

Penny turned her head over her shoulder and smiled sadly at him. "Oh, honey," she said dejectedly, "You've already spent so much money on me. I really wouldn't be comfortable accepting any more. Thank you, though. It means a lot to me that you'd be willing to treat me."

"I was of the impression that social convention dictated that to refuse an offer enough times risked offending the offering party," Sheldon insisted, raising his eyebrows and folding his hands. "If I offer enough times, you will therefore be beholden to consent or chance insulting me. Let us do away with the repetitiousness of offers, then, and skip to the consensus."

Penny chuckled under her breath and realized that five years ago she would have had no idea what Sheldon had just said. Now she just nodded reluctantly and said quietly,

"Okay. Thank you."

Sheldon turned back to the leather-bound guidebook and started looking through it again.

"Ooh!" he exclaimed happily after a moment. "They have Afternoon Tea!"

Penny raised her eyebrows. "Sheldon, honey… I don't really know what to do at 'Afternoon Tea,' and, even if I did, I certainly did not bring the right clothes for it."

"There are many apparel stores just a few blocks away, Penny," Sheldon argued. "If we are to have any meals besides room service, you will need better clothes than what you brought. I looked through your suitcase this morning and was somewhat appalled. I understand that you were in something of a state of shock upon our abrupt departure and that I was intoxicated and could not therefore adequately supervise your packing, but it seems like everything has Hello Kitty or the word 'Juicy' on it."

"This from the man whose entire wardrobe consists of super hero logo t-shirts," Penny accused, and Sheldon balked.

"That is a gross exaggeration, Penny. Knowing that we were coming to the Langham Huntington, I packed the black suit you picked out for me, as well another similar suit I bought on the assumption that if the suit you picked out was socially acceptable, an identical analog must also be."

Penny glanced over to the empty hanging bag carefully placed across the back of a chair and realized his suits must be already in the closet. She wondered when he'd put them there.

"I also have a black dress shirt, a white dress shirt, and a dark gray dress shirt," Sheldon continued, looking like he was taking a mental checklist, "Along with three long black ties. I brought my black dress shoes and black socks. That is all in addition, of course, to the everyday clothing I packed which you so scathingly deride."

Penny put her lips in a line and her hands on her hips. "Sorry," she said.

"Would you like to go to the spa or not?" Sheldon asked. Penny nodded. "Very well. Go take a shower and I will call to make a reservation," Sheldon said.

Penny washed her hair with hotel shampoo, which smelled luxurious. She hummed as she scrubbed and rinsed, then blotted her hair and body with a towel.

"Penny," Sheldon said when Penny emerged from the steamy bathroom, wrapped in a poufy white robe with her hair hanging down in tangled tendrils, "I made you an appointment for a facial treatment, but the only availability they had was a cancellation for a slot in an hour. If you intend on eating before your appointment, I suggest you move quickly and proceed to the restaurant on the first floor."

"Oh. I'm fine," Penny insisted. "I've kind of lost my appetite, what with all this Elliott Harvey crap," she said quietly. Sheldon nodded knowingly, but said,

"Please ensure that you intake nutrients at the Afternoon Tea I've scheduled, which we will attend after proceeding to the boutique two blocks away to purchase you appropriate attire. I do not wish for you to faint for lack of nutrition."

"Sheldon! Spa? Tea? Boutique? This is too much…" Penny went back into the bathroom and brushed out her hair, throwing it up into a bun.

Sheldon followed her as far as the doorway, where he leaned against the threshold and watched her do her hair. He seemed to be waiting for his turn in the bathroom, and Penny hurried up to let him in.

When he was ensconced behind the shower curtain, Penny got dressed in her admittedly cheap and unsophisticated clothing (a powder blue fitted t-shirt and tiny jean shorts) and skipped make-up since the spa would be working on her face. She called out to Sheldon,

"How am I supposed to pay for the spa?"

"I already paid for the base cost over the phone. There is cash for gratuity on the top of the dresser," Sheldon replied calmly. "You will notice that the cash is in increments of five dollar bills. Please tip according to the quality of the service you receive, up to forty dollars."

Penny felt her eyes go wide. A _forty_ dollar tip? She didn't want to know how much the facial itself had cost. She'd only gotten a forty dollar tip at the Cheesecake Factory when she'd had a party of ten people and had tried very to give them service – and the customers had been in very good moods.

Penny tucked the money into her wallet, thinking cynically to herself that she ought to give the poor esthetician a crappy tip and keep Sheldon's cash. Then she realized what a horrible thought that was and tried to wipe it from her mind.

"Penny?" Sheldon called.

"Mm hmm?" Penny said quietly, knowing that Sheldon could hear her with his Vulcan senses.

"Would you like me to accompany you downstairs and wait in the spa lobby so you are not walking around alone at this uncertain time? If you give me approximately twenty minutes to complete my routine, I will be ready."

Penny thought at once that that was a very selfless thought for Sheldon to have, and that she should encourage it. She glanced at the clock. She certainly had twenty minutes to spare, and she would definitely feel better with Sheldon as a companion today.

"That would be very nice of you, sweetie," she said cheerfully. "Thank you."

When Sheldon got out of the shower, he took a long while to dry every crevice of his body and hair. He combed his hair neatly and then smeared his face in gel that transformed into cream. Penny watched him shave, thinking it was strangely sexy.

She wandered into the bathroom after he'd shaved about a third of his face. Most of his jaw and cheeks were still covered in a thin layer of white shaving cream. Penny strode up beside him, taking him in.

Sheldon still had the white hotel towel wrapped around his waist and was bare-chested. He smelled enchanting, like soap and Old Spice. As he glided the razor over his cheek, a stripe of newly smooth skin appeared. His eyes focused carefully on the task at hand, his long fingers carefully grasping the handle of his stainless steel razor.

"Do you need something?" he asked quietly, his eyes still fixated on the mission of shaving. His voice was gentle despite his inattentiveness. As he tapped the foam out of the razor in the basin and rinsed the blades in the faucet, his eyes flicked to Penny's.

"Hmm-mm." Penny shook her head no. "Just watching."

"I suppose that it is often interesting to make a visual observation of a custom not practiced by one's own gender. Well… I expect I ought not say 'not practiced.' There are particularly hirsute women who may partake in the habit of face-shaving." Sheldon turned back to his task, and Penny suppressed a grin.

"You look sexy when you shave," Penny told him, and Sheldon regarded himself skeptically in the mirror.

"I fail to see how distantly resembling a too-skinny Santa Claus is sexy," Sheldon retorted. "You are likely attracted to the practice of male shaving because it is foreign to you." He resumed shaving, slowly and methodically, and Penny shivered.

"Maybe," she said, "but I think it's just that it's _you_ doing the shaving."

Sheldon placed his hands on the counter, leaned on them, and turned his head to look at Penny. He curled up the corners of his lips, and his blue eyes sparkled.

"I love you."

"Oh…" Penny felt her knees go weak. She glared dolefully at the clock. "Stupid spa… If I could right now, Sheldon, I would wipe all that damn shaving cream off your face and ride the hell out of you."

Sheldon chuckled, turning back to the mirror. "A so-called 'quickie?'" he said, and Penny raised her eyebrows.

"Is that a suggestion?"

"I was merely confirming the vernacular," Sheldon smiled, shaving off the last bit of cream and daubing his face with a hot washcloth.

Penny sighed and leaned against the doorframe as Sheldon had done earlier. She didn't say anything else until Sheldon was ready to leave, clad in a gray long-sleeved shirt and a plain navy t-shirt over it. He had on brown corduroy pants, and Penny thought that there were far too many neutral colors involved in his outfit, but she didn't say anything. Besides, somehow, he pulled it off.

When Sheldon and Penny showed up at the spa, Penny was pretty sure they shouldn't have been there. By the miniscule, fleeting look that flashed in the eyes of the woman behind the desk, she didn't think so, either. Sheldon didn't pick up on the judgmental glance from behind the intricately carved mahogany check-in desk, and he took a seat patiently in the spa lobby with a copy of _Physics Tomorrow_ magazine.

Penny was escorted back to a beautiful treatment room, where she settled into a heated, cushioned bed, laying her head on a towel and arranging a bolster pillow under her knees.

The ambient music playing softly was really just a series of synthesized chords with the sounds of the ocean in the background and the occasional tinkling of wind chimes. Nevertheless, the new age soundscape soothed Penny and focused her consciousness… onto Sheldon.

As the esthetician began Penny's treatment, Penny couldn't help but think about him. She sighed gently as she felt dirt sloughing off her face with the exfoliator, at the same time feeling like she was absorbing a little bit of Sheldon with each breath – each thought.

Sheldon was… well, the 'nice' word Leonard liked to use was 'quirky.' The word normal people used was 'weird.' He was often self-centered and he very frequently spoke over people's heads – people like Penny. He was obsessed with his work and he placed very little value on human interaction.

And, yet, over the course of the last few weeks, Sheldon had shown Penny that he could still get work done and be his focused, peculiar self – that he could still talk over her head – but actually _try_ to hold a meaningful relationship in place. He had demonstrated that he was eager to give as well as take, that he was willing and able to view another person as worthy of his attentions and even of his admiration.

His love.

Penny doubted that Sheldon had ever felt the emotion before. Sure, Sheldon loved his MeeMaw, but that was _storge_,if Penny recalled the Greek concepts that had been foisted on her by Sheldon and Leonard one evening. In the case of Penny and Sheldon… well, that was _eros._

But, then, Penny thought, _storge_ had another meaning. In addition to being used to describe the love of family members, Sheldon had explained to her that 'storgic' lovers were friends who had difficulty pinpointing when their friendship turned to love. Penny could still hear Sheldon describing _storge_ to her – '_Storgic lovers are friends first.'_

Hmm.

If only she'd read between the lines.

Penny realized with a great degree of frustration that she was having an academic thought process when she was supposed to be relaxing, and wondered if she was turning into one of The Boys. The esthetician was indicating to Penny that her facial was complete, and Penny reached up to gently stroke her cheek with her knuckle.

"Oh, it feels great," she gushed. "I feel so relaxed." That was something of a lie, but it was a lie she'd tell Sheldon, too, since he'd spent an arm and a leg… on her face.

While she and Sheldon walked to the boutique a few blocks away, Sheldon turned to Penny on the sidewalk and touched his lips to her cheek.

"Your skin is remarkably smooth," he complimented her. "It's a pity that, since the epidermis is shed so rapidly and wholly, a facial treatment is so fleeting in its efficacy. There are no lasting effects of an ordinary 'facial.' Topical skin treatments are nothing but a proverbial Band-Aid. Honestly, the treatment was intended more for stress relief – also temporary – than anything else."

"Don't worry, Fairy Godmother," Penny assured him, "I know it'll all change back at midnight."

Sheldon looked confused, but then laughed his awkward little snicker and said, "Oh, a Cinderella reference. Bazinga."

Penny giggled as they pressed the signal button at the crosswalk. She pulled her light jacket a little tighter around herself and wished she hadn't worn shorts. It was a bit chilly outside today, at least by Southern California standards. Sheldon was perfectly comfortable in his corduroys and layered shirts, but Penny, with her bare legs, felt like she could use a little more fabric.

They finally arrived at the boutique, and Penny marveled as Sheldon held the door open for her.

"Thank you, Dr. Cooper," she said politely. "Your MeeMaw would be proud."

That comment elicited a wide grin from Sheldon as they stepped into the store, which had painted black floors, silver walls, a funky chandelier, and thumping music.

"Hmm," Sheldon said suspiciously. "I'm not sure that this is a suitable establishment."

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Penny said incredulously, picking up a pair of beautiful stiletto heels off a table display. "It's perfect."

"Hi. Can I help you?" A lithe, black-clad young saleswoman strode up and eyed Penny with a degree of skepticism. Penny suspected she was slightly out of her element. She had always seen herself as at least moderately stylish, with the occasional slip-up, but she felt very underdressed in the trendy boutique.

"Penny requires an aesthetically pleasing, yet tasteful, frock for the attendance of an Afternoon Tea ceremony," Sheldon said matter-of-factly. The poor girl looked at him like he was both rude and crazy. Penny bit her lip and smiled graciously.

"I need a cute dress," she rephrased, and a look of realization crossed the saleswoman's face. She nodded and escorted Penny to a dressing room, promising to pull her a number of attractive day dresses.

Penny tried on a number of dresses that she would describe as "cute, but not worth the price." Sheldon assured her that she looked very pretty in each of them, but often agreed with her assessment about value, criticizing everything from fabric quality to stitch construction.

Finally, Penny emerged from the dressing room in a watermelon-colored silk dress. It hit her at the knee and was sleeveless with a scoop neck. Printed on the beautiful pink silk were large navy blue roses. The dress was trendy, yet conservative enough that Penny thought even Sheldon would approve.

He certainly seemed to. When Penny came out of the dressing room, Sheldon blushed and gulped.

"Well?" Penny asked, circling quickly so the full skirt would flare out. "Do you like it?"

"Very much," Sheldon assured her. He cleared his throat. "The vibrant color is quite compatible with your blonde hair and your skin tone. The roses provide sophisticated ornamentation. The construction of the dress seems adequate."

Penny shook her hair loose from her bun and let the waves tumble over her shoulders. She smiled at Sheldon in the mirror. Sheldon folded his hands tightly between his lap and bowed his head.

"What's the matter, honey?" Penny asked worriedly, walking over to him and crouching in front of his chair. She tipped his chin up so his eyes were even with hers.

"You look beautiful, Penny," Sheldon said. "May I please buy that dress for you?"

Penny grinned widely at him. She leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

"Let's go to Tea," she said.

* * *

** The Chromodynamics Dispensation**

* * *

"Home sweet home."

Penny gleefully sighed as she and Sheldon climbed the steps onto the fourth landing of their apartment building. They'd spent the last six days at the hotel, and now that Penny was sufficiently guilty about having cleaned out Sheldon financially, the police had given them the all-clear to return home.

Elliott Harvey had been nabbed staking out another woman's home – a woman who had a restraining order against him – so he'd been arrested and taken to jail to await trial. Because he had so many other offenses, Penny wouldn't have to worry about him any more, she had been assured. She could go home.

Thank goodness, she'd thought, because she was pretty sure Sheldon was officially broke. Of course, he assured Penny otherwise, admitting that he had dipped into his reserves after a few nights in the hotel but that he had more than enough money to cover expenses.

Nevertheless, Penny felt mortified to be taking advantage of his kindness. The hotel was beautiful and comfortable, but she was glad to be home.

In an effort to repay Sheldon, Penny had worked during her time of hiding, despite Sheldon's protests. She'd made her manager aware of the situation (as had the police, so she really had backing), so she worked for the week behind the scenes in the kitchen as a dishwasher. It wasn't the most entertaining work in the world, and it didn't pay as well as waitressing with tips. However, it had allowed Sheldon to be at the University during the day, knowing that her colleagues at the Cheesecake Factory were carefully watching Penny, and that she wasn't visible to customers. He escorted her to the restaurant in the morning and come to get her in the late afternoon. Because he didn't want Penny driving alone, Sheldon was driven to the Cheesecake Factory and to the University (then back to the Cheesecake Factory) by a very accommodating Leonard.

That was yet another reason Penny was elated that Elliott had been caught; she could finally get back to some semblance of a normal work schedule. Normal, for Penny, meant variable hours and days with variable pay.

Sheldon and Penny may have spent the last six days together in a hotel, but that didn't mean they'd been screwing like rabbits. Penny (naturally) had gotten her period the day after her spa treatment and Afternoon Tea, so she'd spent the next days awkwardly trying to dispose of feminine products in a way that didn't disgust the neurotic germaphobe with whom she was sharing a bathroom.

The timing had worked out such that, on what had turned out to be a very long, luxurious hotel stay, there had been very little sex. Sheldon hadn't complained. He hadn't said anything about it. He had just picked Penny up in the evenings from work, chatted happily with her in her car on the way to the hotel, contentedly ate take-out with her in the hotel room, and held her in the king-sized bed until she fell asleep. He'd missed playing Halo and paintball, but he had only grumbled for a few minutes about it. Penny figured she'd take it.

Now they were home. Now things would go back to normal… whatever that was. Penny felt a fluttering in her stomach at the idea of going back to Sheldon's regular schedule, her work life, and all the other minutiae of their lives as a couple. It was out now; all their friends knew they were together. That had become clear and obvious by the fact that they were staying together for a week at a very expensive hotel. Everyone had taken it pretty well, even Amy, who seemed to be getting on very well with a blissful Stuart.

Leonard and Alex… well, Penny figured they were just about perfect for each other. She was smart, he was smart… they were accommodating of one another and could hold their own in social situations… she was funny and pretty. Yes, Leonard needed a girl like Alex, and now he had her. It was truly just about perfect.

Penny slipped her key into her lock and turned it, fretfully savoring its loud _click_. She pulled her suitcase behind her into her living room, which she remembered having left messy. It was spotless. Confused, she looked at Sheldon with a scrunched brow.

"I came home yesterday from work and cleaned it," Sheldon informed her casually. "It irked me that it was sitting unsanitary and messy while you were gone."

The apartment gleamed and everything was in an assigned place. It smelled faintly like Pine-Sol and bleach.

"Um… thank you," Penny said softly. "I promise to keep it like this."

"You know very well that you will not. Try not to make false promises." Sheldon's words were firm, but he smiled gently. "It's all right. Cleaning is fun for me. Without messes, cleaning is little more than touching up, and that's hardly any fun at all."

"Oh. Well… glad to provide the messes, then."

Penny pulled her suitcase into her bedroom and unzipped it, piling her dirty clothes into her hamper. She puffed out her cheeks and blustered a breath of air, making an exasperated noise.

"I sense that something is irritating you," Sheldon said hesitantly.

"I just… I don't know what to do," Penny said.

"I would recommend beginning by ordering a pizza," Sheldon suggested blankly. Penny put her lips in a line and looked at him, frustrated.

"I mean, it's difficult to figure out how to get my life back to normal," she said.

"Well," Sheldon pondered, "perhaps a good first step would be ordering a pizza."

Penny licked her lips, blinked a few times, and nodded once. "Okay."

She proceeded to the living room and ordered pizza on her laptop, making sure to get Sheldon's with sausage, mushrooms, and light olive.

"I have something I'd like to discuss with you," Sheldon said cautiously, taking a seat beside Penny on the couch and putting his hands on his knees. Penny looked at him, concerned. She shut her laptop and set it aside, shutting off the television and setting the remote down.

"Why do I get the feeling that something is wrong?" Penny asked, sounding flustered.

"Well, nothing is _wrong_, per se," Sheldon began. "What I'd like to discuss, Penny, is what was brought up with me today at a meeting in the physics department. As I've mentioned before, my most recent work involves inquiries into quantum chromodynamics."

Penny had heard him mention the phrase before. She couldn't remember what it was (and doubted she had ever understood). Seeing the blank expression on her face, Sheldon said cursorily,

"Quantum chromodynamics is the theory of color force. The theory strives to describe the interactions between quarks and gluons, which make up the hadron. It's a subset of string theory."

Again, Penny looked clueless, but Sheldon shook his head quickly and waved his hand. "Anyway," he said, "There is a particle accelerator in Hamburg, Germany called PETRA-III. It's the new incarnation of the PETRA accelerator, which stands for the Positron-Electron Tandem Ring Accelerator."

"Okay," Penny said slowly, starting to get an uneasy feeling that she knew where this was going.

"My department has granted me funds to go to Hamburg to run a test at the PETRA-III accelerator in order to confirm some of my work in quantum chromodynamics!" Sheldon said, reaching the zenith of his point. He threw his hands up happily and grinned widely.

Penny did not smile. "You're going to Germany?" she repeated.

Sheldon nodded contentedly.

"This isn't like when Leonard got to go see that cool thingy in Switzerland. You don't get to bring a guest," she said, shaking her head.

Sheldon scrunched his brow. "I don't think you understand, Penny. I'm going to be gone doing experiments for approximately six weeks."

Penny gasped and felt her eyes instantly burn. Not wanting to appear weak, she turned away from Sheldon and stifled her tears. When she'd composed herself, she turned back to him, seeing the confused look on his face.

"Six weeks?" Penny repeated.

"It's not as bad as when I went to the Arctic," Sheldon argued. "That was three months."

"Um… we weren't dating then," Penny reminded him. "This… this is going to be hard, Sheldon. You do realize… this could ruin everything. This could wreck our relationship."

"Only if you let it," Sheldon said softly. "This is very important to me, Penny. It's an opportunity to have affirmation of my work. It's the prospect of the acclaim of the entire scientific community. This is my path toward the Nobel Prize."

Penny nodded. "I will never make you choose," she sighed sadly, "between your work and me."

There was a knock on the door, and Sheldon rose to look through the peep hole. He turned back to Penny.

"Pizza's here."

* * *

** The Reunification Proposition**

* * *

Penny didn't realize it until Sheldon was gone – she didn't realize to what extent he was the glue that held everything together.

Not just in her own life at 2311 N Los Robles, but with her motley crew of friends. Penny noticed that, without him, the so-called Sheldonian Calendar completely fell apart at the seams. The first Tuesday after he left, none of the gang showed up at the Cheesecake Factory. The first Wednesday that Penny wandered across the hallway in search of a game of Halo, she instead found Alex and Leonard watching _Babylon 5_. The next Monday, Penny ate spaghetti (_without _cut-up hot dogs) instead of Thai. It was like the "Bizarro World" episode of _Seinfeld_. Everything was upside-down and topsy-turvy.

All the friends essentially retreated into their couplings – Howard hung out almost exclusively with Bernadette, Amy with Stuart, and Leonard with Alex. Without Sheldon as a bonding agent, Raj withdrew into the world of his astrophysics department, and Penny was basically left deserted except for the occasional girls' night.

She desperately wanted Sheldon to come home.

One day, Raj came alone into the Cheesecake Factory and sat at a table. It took Penny a minute to realize it was Tuesday. She went over to his table and said in a voice that endeavored to sound chirpy,

"Hey, Raj."

He raised his hand in greeting and smiled with his eyes. He pointed at the menu at the fettuccini Alfredo and gave Penny a thumbs-up.

"Okay… Fettuccini Alfredo and a Grasshopper," Penny said seriously, and Raj flashed her a knowing grin. "Coming right up."

When she brought him the creamy green drink, Raj swigged it down. A few minutes later, Penny brought him his pasta and a glass of water, and Raj said to her,

"How long has it been since Sheldon left?"

Penny stared at her fingernails. "Two and a half weeks."

"Hmm. Only three and a half weeks to go!" Raj said happily, raising his water glass as if toasting the fact. "I never thought I'd miss the bugger, but I must admit, I do. It's simply not the same without him. Besides, Penny, you seem sad to me, and I do not like to see you sad."

"Thanks, Raj," Penny sad, trying hard to give him a little smile. It came out more like a grimace. "Trust me, I'm counting down the days until he gets home."

"Do you speak with him often?" Raj asked.

Penny knew he meant well, but he'd hit a nerve. It had been seventeen days since Sheldon left, and Penny had only spoken with him three times. He'd sent her two emails, too, but they'd been very perfunctory and mechanical. One had read,

_Dear Penny,_

_I am thriving in my quantum chromodynamics testing. We are using neutrinos to probe the baryons inside of hadrons in an effort to better understand deep inelastic scattering. I do not expect you to understand the nature of my work, but do know that it is going quite well. I am working with a German physicist by the name of Dr. Georg Pfedermeier. He is sufficiently intelligent to handle the task at hand._

_I typically dislike asking this question, as I view it to be an unnecessary nicety providing little useful data; however, I find myself genuinely interested in the potential answer – How are you? Are you keeping yourself satisfactorily occupied by amusements and pastimes in my absence? How is your health?_

_Kind Regards,_

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

He was going to miss Christmas. This gloomy fact sunk in most deeply on December 24th, when Penny sunk onto her couch and looked around her empty apartment. It was now twenty-three days since Sheldon had left.

"Merry freaking Christmas Eve," she said to nobody in particular. Penny rose from her couch and pulled her peppermint schnapps out of the freezer, then got a double shot glass out of the cabinet.

She quickly made a Spotify playlist on her laptop consisting of appropriately tragic Christmas songs. She sat in the dark and started drinking peppermint schnapps.

"_I'll have a blue… Christmas… without you. I'll be so blue… just thinking… about you. Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree won't be the same, dear, if you're not here with me."_

After Elvis was done warbling, Penny poured herself another double shot.

"_I am dreaming tonight of a place I love even more than I usually do. And although I know it's a long road back, I promise you… I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me."_

Penny took an extra double shot at that line, feeling especially bitter.

"_I'll be home for Christmas… If only in my dreams._"

More like _my_ dreams, Penny thought inconsolably. She also drank through "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey, attempting to sing the high notes right along with the diva. Just as she tried to belt out the "youuuuuuu," Penny's screen flashed and her Skype notified her that she was receiving a call. She rushed to turn on the light, tripping and falling on her way to the light switch.

Penny scrambled to her feet and moved more slowly, more carefully, only now realizing just how drunk she was. She knew better than to drink alone, didn't she?

She switched off the music and answered the Skype call, and managed a crooked grin when Sheldon's face appeared full-screen.

Penny could see herself in the small box in the corner of the screen, and she realized she looked a mess – her hair was a disaster, her makeup was smeared from crying, and she had on an oversized red sleep shirt that had a cartoon Santa and said "Ho, Ho, Ho!" The screen printing on the old t-shirt was peeling. It contributed to her rather pitiful appearance.

"I wish you a happy vigil of Saturnalia," Sheldon said ceremoniously.

"Merry Christmas Eve to you, too, Sheldon," Penny replied. She sniffed and shot back another double shot, dribbling a bit sloppily down her chin.

"That's not alcohol you're imbibing, is it?" Sheldon asked disdainfully.

Penny held the empty shot glass up to the screen and said carefully, "Schapps." She giggled, and the laughter soon bubbled out of control. Distantly, she heard Sheldon repeating her name, and her mirth abruptly dissolved when he finally, sternly, hollered,

"Penny! Listen to me! Please!"

"I'm sorry, honey." Penny cleared her throat and focused on the blurry double Sheldon she saw on the screen. She noticed sunlight behind him and saw that he was already – still? – dressed and groomed. "Is it already Christmas Morning there?" she asked.

"Yes," Sheldon affirmed. He looked very angry. "I'm not amused by your drinking, Penny. It makes me very nervous to think that you're intoxicated at home alone, especially on a holiday known for treacherously high rates of armed robbery incidents."

"Don't you worry, MoonPie," Penny slurred. "If anybody tries anything, I'll go all Nebraska on their asses. I'll show them a Merry Fucking Christmas."

"Penny!" Sheldon furrowed his brow and looked horrified. "You've got quite the so-called 'potty mouth' when you're inebriated. Please, ameliorate your vocabulary selection."

"Sorry." Penny found herself apologizing again. "Sheldon, do you miss me?"

"Of course I do," Sheldon said, softening his expression. "It's admittedly difficult to adjust to sleeping alone in a bed when one has grown accustomed to having a bed-mate."

Penny flashed him a little smile. "Dr. Sheldon Cooper, lonely?" she asked incredulously. "I find that hard to believe."

"Believe it," Sheldon insisted with a sigh. "I find myself devoid of friendship and all forms of companionship beside the professional. I am bereft of conversation at meals and free time. While I have been exceptionally productive during my stint here, I do from time to time find myself strangely curious about the goings-on in Pasadena and the status of my acquaintances at home. I find my mind wandering to my room in my apartment, thinking of my own bed, of my routine, of… you…"

Even on the screen, Penny could see him blush, and he lowered his eyes, embarrassed.

"I think you're homesick, Sheldon," Penny said kindly, her words a mushy mess.

"Homesick?" Sheldon repeated uncertainly. "I doubt that, Penny. My work here is enormously successful. I very much enjoy what I am doing."

"But home is comfortable for you, right, honey? And there are people here who care an awful lot about you." Penny thought back to how Raj had admitted to missing Sheldon. Leonard and Howard, too, had mentioned that they were actually glad Sheldon would be back in a few weeks, because there was a Star Trek convention coming up in February.

Sheldon sighed mournfully on Penny's screen. "I suppose you're right. I am a bit homesick."

"You haven't shown that very well over the past few weeks," Penny said bitterly. Sheldon looked confused and shook his head perplexedly. Penny continued, "Your last email was signed, 'Kind Regards.'"

"Yes," Sheldon acknowledged. "That's how I usually sign emails."

"But I'm your _girlfriend_, Sheldon."

Sheldon still looked bewildered. "I fail to see how that amends the salutations in my electronic correspondence."

Penny sighed and shut her eyes. She felt the room spinning and decided that keeping her eyes open was a far better idea. She gulped and tried to keep from falling over sideways onto the couch.

"Sheldon, do you still love me?" she asked.

"What a ridiculous query," Sheldon scoffed. "Of course, Penny. I love you."

"Gee, thanks," Penny put her lips in a line. "Then why wouldn't you say it in an email?"

Sheldon looked baffled again. "I have already advised you of my amorous feelings. Unless there is a paradigm shift, repetitious notifications of that feeling would be redundant and unnecessary."

"No. Sheldon, they're very, very necessary." Penny sucked in breath, frustrated. She was too drunk to have this argument right now. "Girls like to be told that boys love them. Often."

"What about women? And men?"

"What?" Penny narrowed her eyes.

"You are not a 'girl,' and I am not a 'boy.' Those terms indicate youth, specifically pre-pubescent age and development. I am a man, and you are a woman. I am inquiring as to whether this social convention of seemingly constant reminders of affection is also applicable to fully developed adults." Sheldon looked into the camera expectantly.

Penny pursed her lips angrily. "Mm hmm," was all she could manage to say without shrieking in rage.

"Well, then," Sheldon shrugged, "Once more, I hereby inform you that I love you."

"So romantic," Penny said disparagingly.

Sheldon hesitated. "Sarcasm?" he finally said.

Penny smirked callously. "Bazinga."

Sheldon lowered his eyes sadly. "I'm trying, Penny," he said. "I'm very unhappy that you are so intoxicated at the moment -"

"You've made that abundantly clear," Penny interrupted. Sheldon didn't look up. He kept staring into his lap and sighed.

"The reason for my melancholy – besides concern for your safety," Sheldon said gently, "is that I placed this Skype call to invite you to spend New Year's Eve with me in Paris."

It was like Penny had been electrocuted. She instantly felt a little bit more sober, more awake… and abruptly horribly guilty. She had just been _so_ mean to Sheldon – was she always this mean of a drunk? – and he'd called her to ask her to go with him to _Paris_?

"Um… I beg your pardon?" Penny asked quickly.

Sheldon finally looked up and bit his lip nervously. His bright blue eyes glittered, even on the computer screen.

"Dr. Pfedermeier, my German colleague, will be absent for several days over the New Year. Rather than continue my work without him, he suggested that I take several days off. I protested, but he quite insisted. It's not very far to fly from Hamburg to Paris. I already booked you a flight. I already spoke to your manager at the Cheesecake Factory and asked for the time off for you. It would only be a few days – from December 30th until January 2nd. I think it would be enough time to take in at least a few of the remarkable sights that have earned Paris its place among the world's most desirable tourist locales."

Penny felt her eyes well up. December 30th… that was only six days away! She'd been thinking she wouldn't see him until January 12th! Besides seeing Sheldon much sooner than anticipated, Penny would get to visit _Paris_! Of all places in the world to spend New Year's Eve… _Paris_!

"Oh, honey…" Penny wanted to tell him that he was the sweetest, gentlest man she'd ever met, that this was the most thoughtful thing anyone had done for her. She wanted to tell him that she was thrilled and excited out of her mind and that she was so grateful she couldn't even explain it. She was too drunk to get the words out, and instead a simple "Thank you" came bubbling out in an overflow of tears.

"You're very welcome," Sheldon said, finally turning up the corners of his lips. His azure eyes smoldered at Penny. "Why don't you go to bed now?" he suggested.

"Mmm…" Penny whined drunkenly. "I miss you _so_ much, Sheldon. All I want is a kiss."

"I have a very strong suspicion that you desire far more than just a kiss," Sheldon said, raising his eyebrows. "However, unfortunately for you, I can provide no physical contact at this moment."

"Hmph," Penny sighed, annoyed.

"Don't you have a phallic analog in the bedroom?" Sheldon asked cautiously, sensing Penny's sexual irritation.

Penny grinned slyly. "You want me to go get my vibrator and play with it while you watch, honey?" she asked, clumsily tugging on the hem of her nightshirt.

Sheldon cleared his throat. "That's not what I was suggesting," he said delicately. "I was merely pointing out that you have means of curing your carnal frustration."

"I want _you_ to make me come, MoonPie," Penny said, her voice slurring.

Sheldon put his lips in a straight line. "Penny," he said firmly, "I understand that you and I are in a mutually consenting relationship. However, I will _never_ take advantage of you when you are inebriated. That ban includes a digital situation. I'm sorry. I know that right this moment you feel that you want to carry out some sort of sexual act with me, virtual though it may be, but there's always the outside chance that in the morning, when you're hung over and alone, you will feel used and dirty. That is not what I want for you, Penny. I wish for you to feel properly loved and cared for by a man who only engages with you at times when you are lucid and enthusiastic."

Penny felt like she might start crying again. She smoothed her shirt back down and pouted, ashamed at her horny outburst, at the camera.

"I would feel much better now if you would please proceed to put away the alcohol, brush your teeth and stay _out_ of the shower – we don't need another fall – and go immediately to bed." Sheldon sighed and looked at the camera with a very serious expression. "I don't mean to reject your advances. Really, Penny, I don't. We will engage in numerous bouts of coi – _intercourse_ – in Paris. You have my word. Goodnight, Penny. Merry Christmas."

He ended the Skype conversation then, and Penny's screen clicked back to her main view.

"Goodnight, honey," Penny said sadly. "Merry Christmas."

She drunkenly managed to brush her teeth and stumbled into bed, plugging her phone into the charger beside the bed. She settled into her blankets and sighed happily, thinking once again that in less than a week she'd be in Paris with Sheldon. As she grinned and shut her eyes, her phone vibrated.

It was an email notification. Curious, Penny flicked her screen a few times until her inbox popped up. It was from Sheldon.

_Dear Penny,_

_I neglected to tell you something before the culmination of our Skype conversation. I apologize; I was apprehensive about your current state. In any case, I love you._

_I exuberantly anticipate our reunion in Paris within the week._

_WITH GENUINE REGARD,_

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_


	3. Chapter 3

**The Leather Jacket Attraction**

* * *

Penny's flight to Paris was very long, but she was so filled with anticipation that she honestly did not mind one bit. She watched _Home Alone_ on the plane, breaking her prohibition of No-Christmas-Movies-After-Christmas, because the family journeyed to Paris in the film.

She touched down at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris and immediately realized the two years of French she had taken in high school had been useless. Fortunately, the signs were all subtitled in English. She followed them to the baggage claim and then to the exit where Sheldon promised he'd meet her and they'd then take a taxi to the hotel.

She scanned the hallway full of bundled people. Some were livery drivers holding signs with names on them; others were family members and friends meeting arriving passengers. None appeared to be Sheldon Cooper. Then, she heard,

"Penny! Over here!"

Penny turned her head to the sound of the noise. Her eyes went wide with shock. She couldn't believe what – who – she saw. It was Sheldon Cooper, all right, and, _boy_, did he clean up nicely.

Sheldon walked briskly toward Penny through the throng of people, a broad smile on his face. He'd gotten a haircut in Germany, evidently. His hair wasn't lying as flat as it normally was; it appeared to have some sort of pomade in it to make it look effortlessly and stylishly messy. It was parted on the side and swept untidily askance. A few little pieces were even sticking up.

Penny was even more shocked when her eyes scanned down Sheldon's body. Covering his torso and arms was a beautiful, shiny, dark brown leather jacket. It was fitted, with a wide flared collar, an asymmetrical zipper, and decorative antiqued brass buttons.

How long had he been gone again? Penny was flabbergasted. He looked _good_. Different, but _good._

Sheldon reached Penny and took her carry-on bag from her. He set it on the ground and grasped Penny inelegantly around her shoulders in a hug.

"Hello, Penny," he said happily.

"Hi, Sheldon," she replied, breathing in the scent of his leather jacket mingled with the familiar aroma of talc and soap. When he let her go and smiled at her, his eyes glistening, Penny said, "You look… um… wonderful!"

"Oh… good. I'm glad you think so. I was worried you would hate it all," Sheldon said anxiously. "Of course, there's no Mr. D'Onofrio in Germany. So, I got my hair cut at the most reputable establishment I could locate in Hamburg, and they insisted that 'modern' hairstyles entail not only a moderately 'messy' and 'unkempt' look, but also frequently employ the use of styling product. I insisted that I do not require styling product, but after a few days, I began to favor its incorporation into my morning routine. Shall we get in the taxi line?"

"Oh! Of course." Penny watched as Sheldon chivalrously took her bags. She raised her eyebrows and followed him outside to the cab line, knowing that this trip would be exceptionally more frugal than their outlandish week at the Langham Huntington.

"So…" Penny said as they shivered in the taxi line, looking around her and soaking in the fact that she was in _France_, "Where'd you get the leather coat, Sheldon?"

"Oh. That I bought here, in Paris, upon my arrival this morning. I went to the hotel and saw it in the window of a nearby store. I very rarely succumb to impulsivity, but something about the jacket made me think of Captain America." He beamed widely. "Isn't that ironic? We're in France, but the coat made me think of Captain America."

Penny blinked rapidly and raised her eyebrows again. "Well, it's a _very_ nice coat, honey," she assured him.

"It was on sale," Sheldon said proudly. Penny smiled warmly and patted his cheek.

"It's good to see you," she told him genuinely.

"It's _very_ good to see _you_," he responded. They were next in line for a taxi, and when one pulled up, Sheldon opened the back door so that Penny could climb inside. She heard him tell the driver, "_S'il vous plaît, nous voudrions aller aux Hôtel des Tuileries. C'est sur la rue Saint-Hyacinthe."_

His accent was beautiful. Penny stared at Sheldon with a furrowed brow and said,

"I had no idea you spoke French."

"Just a tiny bit," Sheldon said dismissively. "I taught myself when I was a small boy."

"Mm hmm," Penny said. "Of course you did."

She didn't have time to marvel at Sheldon, though, because she had to marvel at Paris. As the taxi wound through the streets of the city, Penny soaked in the architecture, the busy chaos, and, of course, the landmarks.

"There's the Champs-Élysées, with the Arc de Triomphe at the end," Sheldon said as they passed the famous street.

"Oh, it's lovely!" Penny gushed. She grinned widely at Sheldon and touched her fingertips to her lips in wonder.

Sheldon looked happy that she was in awe. "It is frequently described as '_la plus belle avenue du monde_,'" he said dreamily, gazing out the window down the street toward the large arch.

"What does that mean?" Penny asked.

"'The most beautiful avenue in the world,'" Sheldon translated. Penny was silent for a few moments, just absorbing the city, until the taxi pulled around the Jardins des Tuileries and the Place de la Concorde.

"The Place de la Concorde," Sheldon explained, "was the site of the main guillotine used during the Reign of Terror. This was the summer of 1794, during which more than 1,300 counterrevolutionaries, noblemen and women, and members of the clergy were killed. Perhaps the most famous victims of the guillotine were King Louis XVI and his wife Marie Antoinette, who is erroneously credited with saying of her famine-stricken people, 'Let them eat cake.'"

Penny giggled and said to Sheldon, "You know, Sheldon, maybe you should have been a historian instead of a physicist."

Sheldon frowned. "Not funny, Penny."

A few minutes later, the taxi pulled up on the rue Saint-Hyacinthe in front of the 3-star hotel. Sheldon explained that while the hotel was nothing particularly fancy or lavish, it had been an 18th century palace. Penny thought that was pretty nifty indeed, and she gaped at the antique finishings inside the picturesque hotel.

The room was tiny and quaint, but pretty. The walls had brocade fabric on them, hunter green, and a matching bedspread made the room feel even smaller. But the paned windows could be thrown wide open onto a beautiful, bright courtyard.

"Hmm," Sheldon said, looking around the room. "It's a little tight, even for Europe."

"I think it's magnificent," Penny said enthusiastically. She grinned at him. "We're in _Paris_!" she squealed, as if he didn't know.

"So we are," Sheldon affirmed, sitting on the squeaky bed. "Oh, no," he moaned, moving up and down on the springs. "I'll never be able to sleep on this bed."

"Sheldon, stop complaining! Let's go to the Louvre! Let's go to the Eiffel Tower!"

He did stop complaining, and she eventually got him to leave the hotel. Penny even got Sheldon to step foot inside the Cathedral of Notre Dame, on the merits of its historical value as opposed to its religious significance. They rode the rickety elevator up the Eiffel Tower and Penny had her breath taken away by the view. They saw as much of the Louvre as Penny could handle, but Sheldon's incessant tour-guiding and the stuffiness of the museum got to her after a few hours.

They ate dinner at a little café near the Jardins des Tuileries as the sun was setting. Sheldon bought Penny a coffee to go and agreed to a walk around the gardens, even though they'd been on their feet all day at that point.

They walked side by side in the dim lamplight, their feet crunching on gravel. They discussed the day, especially the wonderful Egyptian and Roman artifacts that they'd seen at the Louvre. Sheldon had so much information about the artifacts he could practically write a dissertation about them, so Penny listened patiently and even asked a few leading questions to make him feel like she was interested.

"So… that Egyptian funerary mask was made of wood, right?" Penny asked at one point. Sheldon turned to her with a wide grin. His breath fogged out in front of him in the chilly winter air, and he had the collar of his leather jacket tucked up around his neck. Fortunately, it was a little warmer than usual – around forty-five degrees Fahrenheit.

"You _were_ paying attention," Sheldon marveled in response to Penny's question about the Egyptian mask. "Yes. It was wood."

Penny turned toward the Pont Royal, leaning on the railing overlooking the bank of the Seine. Her left hand swung down to her side and she absently picked at a loose string on her wool pea coat.

As she stared into the murky waters of the Seine, Penny felt a warm soft pressure on her hand. She glanced down to see Sheldon's fingers interlacing with hers. Her eyes flicked up toward his, but he was staring at the river.

He didn't let go of her hand until they reached the hotel.

* * *

"Brrr!"

Sheldon shivered and peeled off his brown leather jacket as he shut the door of the hotel room behind him. Penny hung her pea coat in the closet and unzipped her black knee-high boots, rubbing her feet. As much as she loved shoes, she was grateful to have them off after a long day of walking.

"I'm going to take a shower," Sheldon said. He knew that Penny only took showers in the morning, and she knew that he took them twice a day. She hadn't forgotten his routine in the weeks they'd been apart.

Penny brushed her teeth and braided her hair while Sheldon showered. After he'd brushed his teeth, he shut the bathroom light off, bathing the small room in nothing but the dim moonlight and city glow coming from the courtyard.

Penny sat on the edge of the bed in her pajama pants and tank top, her hair in a low side braid. She smiled warmly at Sheldon and patted the bed next to her. Sheldon, after putting on his Sunday pajamas, sank as quietly onto the bed as he could. The bed squeaked a little bit, and Sheldon winced. Penny giggled under her breath. She sighed deeply and placed her palm flat on Sheldon's cheek.

"I've missed kissing you, Sheldon," she told him. "It's been a very long time."

"It has," he admitted. "Even longer since we have engaged in intercourse."

"Would you like to do that?" Penny asked melodiously. "Would you like to make love to me?" She reached her lips up to meet his, ghosting a little kiss against his mouth.

Sheldon shivered and gulped. He nodded but said nothing. Sheldon Cooper rendered speechless by sex. It was ironic enough to make anybody laugh, but Penny just smiled sweetly at him.

"All right," she said. "Why don't you lie down on your back?"

He did, moving to recline prone on top of the coverlet. His chest rose and fell steadily and deeply. Penny felt like a Big Ol' Five tonight, and she was going to let Sheldon have it.

She gently moved her right knee to the other side of his thighs so that she was straddling him. She was careful not to sit on his crotch – she didn't want to be_there_ yet – but wanted access to him at the same time. She leaned down and gently kissed him again, teasingly touching her lips to his. The little ends at the tip of her braid fell down and danced against his cheek.

When she pulled up and away after the brief and fleeting kiss, Sheldon rumbled low in his throat. He clutched a fistful of her tank top and pulled her back down to him. Penny giggled, and Sheldon smiled, too. When her lips were a half-inch from his, Sheldon growled,

"We don't see one another for _weeks_ and that's your idea of a kiss?"

"Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, what's your idea of a kiss?" Penny challenged him. Sheldon pulled one corner of his lips up in a crooked smile and then yanked Penny down onto his mouth.

He thrust his tongue up between her lips, and Penny squealed. He explored her mouth ravenously, his tongue voracious and greedy. He sucked on her bottom lip and nibbled gently, scraping his teeth against her lips. When he was done, her mouth was swollen and throbbing.

"_God_, Sheldon. That's some kiss," Penny whispered into his ear.

"I'm ready to take you now," Sheldon whispered back, clutching her wrist and directing her hand to the large bulge in his flannel pants.

"Mmm," Penny whimpered, feeling herself drench her panties almost instantaneously upon touching Sheldon's arousal. "I've missed that, too."

Her fingers immediately began unfastening Sheldon's flannel pajama shirt, one vexatious button at a time. Once she had it open, she pushed it back so his chest and stomach were revealed. He left it on his arms. She pulled his pants down over his butt and package, allowing his firm and thick member to spring forth in the glorious bulk that Penny had so sorely missed for a few weeks.

Penny hastily stripped off her own pajamas. She would have taken her time – would have been sexy for Sheldon – if she wasn't so damned horny. It had been his kiss. It had set her on fire. The licking, nibbling, sucking… _How_ was Sheldon Cooper such a good kisser? She needed to know, so she asked him as she stripped off her pajamas.

He chuckled in response to her question.

"Quite a bit of online research, to be perfectly honest," Sheldon disclosed, "though admittedly not too terribly much empirical inquiry or repetition."

"Hmm. Nice research," Penny complimented, climbing back onto the bed nude. Sheldon didn't answer. He was too busy staring. Penny saw his member twitch in its erect state as she crawled naked across the bedspread toward him, grinning wickedly.

She straddled him again, this time poising herself over his crotch. She positioned him at her entrance and, with no more pretense and after what had been undeniably very little foreplay, Penny slid Sheldon's cock inside of her body.

She had to physically put her hand over her mouth to suppress her moan as she sank onto him. Sheldon did not do a terribly good job staying as quiet as the 18th-century walls dictated.

"Oh… oh…" he said, thrashing his head back and forth on the pillow. His hands reached up and clutched at Penny's waist, ready to move her up and down on him. But when Penny started moving, the bed springs creaked horribly.

Penny giggled, but Sheldon sighed angrily.

"I _knew_ this bed would prove to be problematic!" he said indignantly. "Now what?"

"I guess we don't get to do this…?" Penny said, shrugging. "We'll wake everybody up in the whole hotel, as loud as these springs are."

"Unacceptable," Sheldon fumed. "Please provide an alternative solution."

Penny laughed. Sheldon was still inside of her, though she could feel him softening considerably because he was so irritated.

"I have an idea," Penny whispered.

"What is it?"

"The wall. Take me against the wall. Like in my fantasy." Penny grinned at Sheldon and gestured at the strip of wall beside the armoire. Sheldon nodded eagerly. Penny climbed off of Sheldon and knelt on the bed. Sheldon stood up and took Penny by the hand, guiding her over toward the wall.

He pushed Penny up against the wall gently, one hand behind her head so it wouldn't bang when he thrust. He then drew one of Penny's legs up so she was half-straddling him. Sheldon stooped down so he would have a better angle of insertion and pushed himself into her. He was hard again, Penny noted with a gasp.

She kept the ball of her right foot on the ground to support a good deal of her weight, and snaked her left leg around Sheldon's butt and thighs. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him zealously as he leaned down to thrust into her.

After a few moments of gentle but uneven pushes, Sheldon's rhythm became faster, smoother, and more regular. His thrusting stimulated Penny's inside and outside hot spots, and within minutes she was twisting her fingers in his messy hair and saying, "Oh – oh – oh!" as quietly as she could, clenching feverishly around his powerfully rocking member.

Sheldon's left hand was buried in the back of Penny's hair, and his right hand was on her backside. She felt them both scrunch forcefully soon after she came. Sheldon's breathing suddenly dissolved into rickety gasps, and he stopped thrusting altogether.

In a soft, shaky little voice, Sheldon said, "Oh, Penny…" and planted a gentle kiss on her sweat-sheened forehead. She smiled gently at him, and he placed his palm on her cheek and gulped. "Would now be a suitable time to notify you that I love you?" he asked innocently.

"Yes," Penny nodded. "Now's the perfect time."

The next day was New Year's Eve, and Sheldon told Penny that if they ventured up to Montmartre in the evening, they would have a view of the Eiffel Tower lit up and also be free from crowds. While Penny wanted to be in the thick of the party, she respected that crowds made Sheldon uncomfortable, and it was mutually decided that they would go to Montmartre in the evening.

The day was spent at the Musée d'Orsay, a museum specializing in Impressionist art, as well as Napoleon's Tomb and shopping on the Rue de Rivoli. It was a compromise. They both liked the Impressionist art. Sheldon wanted to see Napoleon's Tomb, and Penny wanted to buy shoes.

They actually took a nap in the evening because Sheldon knew he'd be out and about so far past his allotted bedtime. At ten p.m., they headed up to Montmartre. People were already firing off little fireworks everywhere in the city, and spiced wine was being served along with sparkling white wines and Champagne.

Penny had made the conscious decision that she would not drink alcohol this New Year's Eve. She had so upset Sheldon on Christmas Eve with her drunkenness that she knew it would be better for the both of them if she were sober – he would be, so why shouldn't she be? She decided to drink coffee, and Sheldon had hot tea.

They strolled around Montmartre for a while, taking a look at the Moulin Rouge and Sacré Coeur.

When it got to be 11:55, they made their way to a spot where they had a spectacular view of the Eiffel Tower and the rest of the city, already being illuminated by its fair share of small fireworks displays. Penny nervously kept checking her watch.

Finally, Sheldon looked at his digital watch (which Penny knew was synchronized with the Atomic Clock, just like the clock controlling the Eiffel Tower's fireworks), and looked excitedly up at Penny. He moved closer to her and held his watch face out so she could count down the seconds.

"10…9…8…7…" Penny said breathlessly, "6…5…4…3…2…1…"

"Happy New Year, Penny."

Sheldon snaked his arms around Penny and enveloped her in a deep kiss. He didn't seem to care that there were people around. It was New Year's Eve, and everybody was kissing.

Penny tried to soak in every detail of that kiss so she could remember it forever. She could hear fireworks booming and reverberating in the distance. She felt Sheldon's leather jacket against her, the sleeves wrapping her in a tight embrace and his chest pressed firmly against hers. She could smell the leather of the jacket mingling with talc and soap and Old Spice – all the aromas of a man, of _her_ man.

As Sheldon pulled away after what felt like too brief a moment but was probably a very long time, Penny smiled happily at him. His blue eyes glistened in the chilly winter air. In those eyes, Penny saw the fireworks reflected. She decided to watch the New Year's Eve fireworks in Sheldon's eyes – they were much more beautiful that way.

* * *

**The Calamity Prognostication**

* * *

The sun was bright. The air was warm. Was she back in Nebraska? No… too humid, even for Nebraska in the summer. Penny glanced to her right and saw a sign along a deserted road that read,

"Welcome to Brenham, Texas."

Huh.

How did Penny wind up in Texas? She shrugged and started walking aimlessly down the side of the road, figuring she'd eventually wind up back in California.

"Penny!"

She turned around and saw Sheldon trotting toward her along the side of the road. There were blue flowers coming partway up his calves – calves that were sheathed in brick red Western boots.

Penny furrowed her brow and took him in. He had his hands shoved in blue jean pockets as he happily jogged – something he very rarely did. And he never wore blue jeans. Something was off here, she thought absently. He wore a buttoned navy blue cotton shirt with elaborate beige embroidery that matched the beautiful needlework on his red boots. He wore what appeared to be a very expensive pale taupe Stetson hat. It was a strangely sexy look, but it wasn't the Sheldon Penny knew.

His voice was off, too, when he spoke to her. He wasn't actively suppressing his East Texas accent. Instead, he seemed to be embracing it.

"What're you doin' out here along the road?" he asked, grinning crookedly and planting his hands akimbo on his hips. He squinted at her in the bright sunlight.

"Um… I don't really know where I'm going," Penny admitted. "I figured I'd just start walking west toward Pasadena."

"Too long of a walk to California." Sheldon shook his head in disapproval and adjusted his hat on his head. He kicked at a little rock amid the blue flowers with the toe of his red boot and sighed. Penny was baffled by his twang.

"Maybe if I had a horse…" Penny said distantly, staring off into the expanse.

"You know what they been sayin' in them country songs," Sheldon grinned slyly. He took off his Stetson hat and planted it atop Penny's head. "'Save a horse; ride a cowboy.'"

* * *

**Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.**

Penny's alarm clock startled her awake just as her dream was getting good. She groaned in frustration and threw her pillow at the alarm clock, knocking it off the bedside table. It was only 7:30 in the morning, but she knew she had to get out of bed, and in a way she was excited to do so. Today was the day she was going to the airport to pick Sheldon up. She checked her phone and saw that she had a final email from him sent from his layover in New York just a few hours earlier.

_Dear Penny,_

_While I do believe I am suffering from the pseudo-illness you have diagnosed as 'homesickness,' a part of my consciousness wishes I could stay in Hamburg longer as I was having such great success with my work. At least this should ameliorate the humiliation and discretization I suffered as a result of The Great Can Opener Cataclysm at the hands of my so-called 'friends.'_

_Another part of me is saddened to leave Germany because, as a culture and a country, they are significantly more clean and methodical than the average American. I feel that I fit in better in Germany than in America. Alas, my German is rudimentary at best, and I dislike the sensation of being ignorant._

_Please pick me up at the airport at precisely 9:15 a.m. I will call your phone upon my plane's landing to clarify the door at which we should meet; this will depend, of course, on the carousel at which the staff distributes my flight's luggage. Thank you kindly for picking me up._

_With heartfelt regards,_

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

He'd never signed an email the same way twice since she'd scolded him, but it had always had the word "regards" in the salutation. Shaking her head in amusement, Penny hurried into the shower, humming happily that she'd see her MoonPie soon.

* * *

She met him at the door he told her to, and he waved like a crazy person to flag her down, as if she didn't see him in his bright emerald Green Lantern shirt layered over an orange thermal. He must have packed his leather jacket, Penny thought with a twinge of regret.

She pulled her wobbly red car up along the curb and popped the trunk so he could put his luggage in. She waited in the driver's seat, figuring he was a big boy and could do it himself. He joined her in the car, and she leaned over to plant a kiss on his cheek.

"Hi!" she said happily. She smiled at him.

"Hello," Sheldon said in reply, buckling his seat belt. He looked glad to see her, but when she didn't immediately drive away, he made a steering gesture with his hands and raised his eyebrows, saying, "This is a 'no waiting' zone, Penny. You don't want a ticket, do you?"

"Um… no," Penny admitted, putting the car in gear. "But if you'd like to be in control of the car, Sheldon, maybe you should log more hours on your learner's permit."

"That's a fantastic idea, Penny!" Sheldon exclaimed, and Penny instantly regretted having said it. "You can take me driving tomorrow. I'll drive you to work in the morning."

"I don't work tomorrow morning," Penny informed him. "I work tomorrow night."

"Tuesday, then," Sheldon said.

"Okay. It's probably good if you take a day to get over your jet lag, anyway." Penny bit her lip nervously. Sheldon was perhaps the worst driver she'd ever seen in her life. "So… I had the _strangest_ dream this morning right before I woke up."

"Oh, Penny," Sheldon protested, giving her a very condescending sideways look, "We've been over this. Dreams bear very little real significance."

"I know, but it was _funny_, Sheldon. Even you will think this is funny."

"I doubt it, but go on." Sheldon was aloof.

Penny persisted. "You were dressed like a cowboy!"

Sheldon looked unimpressed. "I'm from East Texas, Penny. That's not a stretch of the imagination in the slightest." He looked out the window as if he were soaking in the American nature of Pasadena.

"Okay, but, get this… there were some things in the dream that, like… I don't know how I knew them," Penny said curiously. She tipped her head to the side and narrowed her eyes. Now that she thought hard about that fact, her dream seemed a little strange.

"Like what?" Sheldon asked, now mildly interested.

"Is there a real town called Bren-ham, Texas?" Penny asked, pronouncing the name of the town awkwardly.

"Brenham," Sheldon nodded, pronouncing it right. "Yes… it's about halfway between Austin and the Houston area," he confirmed, looking intrigued. "You dreamed about Brenham? I used to pass through there on my way to and from college between the ages of eleven and fourteen."

"Oh. Strange… There were these little blue flowers along -"

"Bluebonnets." Sheldon's voice was almost inaudible, and his eyes went wide.

"What?" Penny's eyes flicked off the road for an instant and met Sheldon's.

"Bluebonnets," Sheldon repeated. "Brenham is renowned and celebrated for its bluebonnets. _Lupinus texensis, _the endemic state flower of Texas. Brenham has a festival and everything. They have always made me a little bit homesick for my native state and for East Texas in particular."

"They were all along the side of the road," Penny reiterated, "and you had on a Stetson hat and an embroidered shirt and a pair of red boots. You wore jeans. You talked with a drawl." She left out the part about his bawdy comment. "You must have mentioned the town and the flowers to me at some point," she said, more to herself than to Sheldon.

"I have never mentioned Brenham or bluebonnets to you." Sheldon shook his head no. Penny didn't have to ask him if he was sure. He had a perfect eidetic memory; of course he was sure.

"Well, I must have seen it on TV, then," Penny said quietly.

Sheldon started humming a lovely little tune, and Penny asked,

"What's that?"

"It's the Texas state flower song."

"Does Texas have a song for everything?" Penny asked with a little laugh, but she silenced herself when she saw the glare Sheldon was flashing her. "Will you sing it for me?" she asked him.

"_Bluebonnets, blue lovely bluebonnets, more beautiful than all the rest. Texas chose you for her flower, and we love you best – bluebonnets…"_

He sang the dated and simple but lovely song for a few blocks, then sat looking wistfully out the window. Penny said nothing at all, just gave him a reassuring little pat on the shoulder.

* * *

Early Tuesday morning - too early, she thought – Penny got her Cheesecake Factory uniform on and headed out into the living room. Just in time,

**Knock, knock, knock.**

"Penny!"

**Knock, knock, knock.**

"Penny!"

**Knock, knock, knock.**

"Penny!"

She opened the door and held out her keys. "Ready for your drive?" she asked. Sheldon looked positively gleeful. He held his messenger bag strap close to his chest as the two of them walked briskly down the steps with Leonard in tow.

"Be careful, Sheldon," Leonard warned. "Are you _sure_ you do not want a ride to work this morning?" Leonard looked at Penny as if offering her an escape route.

"It'll be okay," Penny nodded reassuringly.

"All righty, then," Leonard shook his head.

It took probably fifteen minutes before Sheldon put the car in motion, and that was why Penny insisted on leaving extra time to get to work. Sheldon performed a car safety check, which her car failed but Sheldon admitted there was no fixing at the present moment. He performed a visibility check as well as a precipitation check to determine the necessity of headlights and windshield wipers – it was perfectly clear outside, so neither was even slightly necessary. He took ages to adjust the seat and mirrors.

"Your 'check engine' light is on," He reminded Penny, who was sitting impatiently in the passenger's seat.

"Oh, for crying out loud, Sheldon!" she exclaimed angrily. "I'm going to be late to work! Let's go! Please!"

"Very well." Sheldon buckled his seat belt with a satisfying _click._

Sheldon actually drove respectably well for most of the route. He drove precisely two miles per hour under the speed limit. When Penny requested that he speed up, Sheldon reminded her that they were speed _limits_, not speed _requirements._ He maintained adequate but not excessive space cushions between himself and the car in front of him.

Then came the yellow light – the dreaded yellow light that had caused him to run a red and landed him in traffic court and, ultimately, jail.

Sheldon hesitated, his foot hovering over the accelerator pedal. His car crept up toward the intersection at about ten miles per hour, and Penny worried that by the time he stopped, he'd be in the middle of the intersection.

"Go or stop, honey," she said, trying to sound calm. When he didn't make a quick decision and the light was an instant from changing, Penny exclaimed, "Stop!"

But Sheldon went, and not fast enough. He was past the crosswalk line when the light turned red, and he panicked and pulled into the intersection. Penny shrieked when she saw an SUV hurtling rapidly toward her side of little car. Since that car now had a green light, they hadn't been expecting to stop.

It all happened in what seemed like slow motion. Penny heard the other car's horn blaring, a long, desperate blast mingling with her scream and Sheldon's shouts of horror. The SUV got bigger and bigger until it filled her entire field of vision and smashed against Penny's side of the tiny car.

Instantaneously, her world crumbled along with the vehicle. It was cacophony – a horrible screeching noise as Penny's car was pushed through the intersection by the impact and the awful metallic _crunch _of the cars hitting one another, the _smash_ of glass. If Penny's car had airbags, they didn't go off.

Penny's whole body broke in that instant. She could feel everything shattered, smashed, and bleeding as pain shot through every nerve in her body and cold moisture covered her. What hurt worst were her ribs, her shoulder, her neck… and her head…

She thought first of Sheldon. Where was he? Was he alive?

"Sheldon?" Penny called over the hiss and sputter of the destroyed car's final moments. Her voice sounded distant and echoed in her throbbing head. "Sheldon?"

"I have… suffered only minor injuries, but… Oh, Lord… Penny…" Sheldon howled. Penny could hear Sheldon crying. She tried to look at him, but found she could not move her neck. She tried to reach for him, but her shoulder hurt too badly. Then she heard, "911? I've been involved in a car accident. A serious side impact incident, the fault of which, I am sorry to say, lies with me. There are injuries on scene. We are at the intersection of East Orange Grove Boulevard and North Oakland Avenue in Pasadena. Please get medical personnel on scene as quickly as possible; my passenger's injuries appear to be quite severe indeed. I can not speak for the gentlemen in the other vehicle, though he appears unconscious. Thank you."

Penny felt everything fading, and she shut her eyes, just for a moment. As the world faded to a dark, quiet sanctuary far away from the hell into which she'd been so unceremoniously plunged, she heard Sheldon's sobbing voice say,

"Penny? Penny? I'm so sorry, Penny…"

* * *

**The Aftermath Reverberation**

* * *

Penny could hear them talking before she could see anything.

"When she wakes up, she's going to wonder just what the hell you were thinking, Sheldon."

"What I was thinking is that the amber light was ridiculously brief in duration for that particular intersection."

Sheldon and Leonard... arguing... Penny took a deep breath so she could sigh in frustration, but it came out in the form of a painful cough instead. She managed to flutter her eyelids open and saw Sheldon on one side of her bed and Leonard on the other, both staring at her with identical expressions of concerned curiosity.

"Please don't fight," Penny croaked, swiping at her tired eyes with her hand. When she pulled her hand off the hospital bed, it hurt badly. It hurt her hand, which had an IV attached and an identification bracelet on her wrist. It hurt her upper arm, on which she could see a white gauze bandage wrapped. Worst of all, it hurt her shoulder, the same one she'd dislocated when she'd fallen in the shower. It felt similarly painful this time.

"Oww..." Penny lamented, lowering her hand and looking up at Sheldon. How much time had passed since the accident? He was still wearing the same navy blue and orange t-shirt he'd had on earlier, but he had a little bandage spanning a laceration on his forehead and a gauze pad taped to his forearm. Considering how badly injured Penny was, Sheldon honestly didn't look too terribly worse for the wear. For some reason, that made Penny rather angry.

"Thank goodness you're up," Leonard said, and Penny glanced over to him, trying to give him a little smile. "They sedated you for your pain. Do you know what happened?" He was talking to her like she was either stupid or a very small child. Penny put her lips in a flat line.

"Sheldon crashed the damn car," Penny said plainly.

"Well, actually," Sheldon interjected wearily, "The other driver crashed into us. I mistakenly put our car into a situation in which the conditions were made ideal for an accident."

"Sheldon. You could have killed me," Penny told him seriously. "I don't ever want you to drive again. Please."

"Oh, believe me, Penny," Sheldon assured her, shaking his head firmly, "One could quite literally not provide me with adequate compensation to entice me to drive again."

"What?" Penny couldn't keep up with him with her mind this fuzzy.

"You couldn't pay him enough," Leonard clarified, and Penny nodded shakily.

"What... what happened to me?" she asked, looking down at her bruised and battered body.

Leonard and Sheldon looked at each other with concerned glances.

"You were in a car accident," Leonard said very slowly. Penny shot him a glare.

"I meant, 'What are my specific injuries?'" Penny pronounced crankily.

"Oh. You have fractures of the third rib and the clavicle, also known as your collarbone. You have lacerations in various locations including your arm, thigh, ankle, and abdomen. Your right shoulder was dislocated. Finally, you suffered a concussion." Sheldon looked very embarrassed to list off these maladies, as if knowing he was responsible for all of them made them that much worse.

"Hmm." Penny sniffed. "Well, at least I'm alive."

Sheldon's eyes brightened. "That is a refreshingly optimistic viewpoint to adopt at this most bleak time, Penny!" he said encouragingly.

"Because you could have very easily _killed_ me!" Penny stressed again. Leonard bit his lip.

"Where's Alex?" Penny asked him. "Isn't she mad you're at the hospital with your ex-girlfriend?" Penny thought maybe she sounded a little testy, but it was the medicine talking, she told herself.

Leonard cleared his throat and brushed off the slight. "She's out in the waiting room with everyone else," he said quietly, "very anxious to hear that you're okay."

"Oh." Penny gulped guiltily. "Everyone else?"

"Amy, Bernadette, Raj, Howard, Stuart, even Wil... the gang's all here," Leonard shrugged. "Everyone's very worried about you, Penny. You've been knocked out from the accident and on meds for hours now. They'll only let us bring in two people at a time. Would you like to see anybody?"

"Of course. They came all the way here," Penny said appreciatively. "Would you mind if I talked to Sheldon alone for just a minute, please, Leonard?"

"Of course. I'm going to go let everyone know you're up." Leonard squeezed Penny's hand and stepped out of the room, and Penny turned to Sheldon. He spoke first.

"Are you horribly angry?"

"Of course not, honey. It was a mistake. I'm shaken up. It was terrifying." Penny tried not to relive the image of the car hurtling toward her in her mind. She had a feeling she was going to need some therapy. Right, like she could afford that. And, oh, the hospital bills... "How on Earth am I going to pay for this?" she said plaintively, gesturing around the hospital room. Sheldon looked at her confusedly.

"Naturally, when I was granted my learner's permit, I obtained collision and liability insurance," he said, as if it were obvious. "My monthly premiums will undoubtedly rise as a result of this accident, but the insurance will cover your costs and buy you a new car. I have already filed a claim."

"Oh," Penny said meekly. "Thank you, Sheldon."

"The man in the other car is also in this hospital."

"Oh, God!" Penny exclaimed. "Is he okay?"

"He had whiplash and a concussion. Other than that, he is in good health. Good enough health, in fact, to threaten to 'sue the life out of' me and 'take everything.'"

"What?"

"Do I need to repeat myself?" Sheldon asked seriously. "Is your concussion making comprehension difficult?"

"No," Penny shook her head exasperatedly. "He's going to sue you?"

"He was going to do so," Sheldon confirmed, "until I explained my defense to him, and then he realized he had no case. My insurance will cover his hospital bills and his car replacement costs, and after that, we will have no more interaction." Sheldon looked angry and bitter.

"And you?" Penny asked.

"You'll have to be more specific."

"You're not badly hurt?" Penny asked.

"As befits the cruel irony often exhibited in accidents, no, Penny. The driver at fault is the least injured, I'm sorry to report. I have nothing but some scrapes and bruises and a bit of a sore neck."

"Glad I was there to be your crush zone," Penny said.

"The difference in inertia between the SUV that hit us and your much smaller car meant that you were going to get badly hurt, unfortunately," Sheldon pronounced. "I truly am sorry."

Penny nodded, and then they were silent a moment. She finally said,

"I think I'd like to start seeing the others now."

Sheldon gulped and nodded quickly, looking suspiciously as though he were blinking back tears. Sheldon Cooper, _emotional_? Penny was certain she was seeing things as a result of her concussion. Sheldon leaned forward and kissed Penny's forehead, just barely touching his lips to her skin. He ran his fingertips along his hair and sniffed softly. Yup. Sure enough, Sheldon was trying not to cry.

"I should have reiterated it before we started driving," he whispered into Penny's ear, his voice trembling. "I should have taken a moment to remind you that I love you."

He stood slowly and looked away from Penny, crossly blinking his red-rimmed, glistening eyes. He irritably planted his hands on his hips. He looked very angry indeed, though Penny knew that, for once, that anger was directed at himself. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, she thought, because then the dam would break and the tears would flow – and Sheldon Cooper was _not_ a creature of uncontrolled emotions. She decided not to make it worse and said in the simplest voice she could muster,

"I love you too, Sheldon."

He nodded once and walked very quickly from the room. Penny burst into tears the second he was gone, but had to force herself to stop crying because the heaving sobs hurt her broken rib so badly she couldn't breathe.

A few minutes after she'd settled down, Amy and Bernadette came walking through the door of the room. Bernadette wore a very sympathetic and kind expression, but Amy looked patently uncomfortable. Penny suspected that she, like Sheldon, was terrified of hospitals and the many microorganisms breeding within them.

"Hiii, Penny," Bernadette said quietly, tip-toeing into the room. Penny didn't have a roommate, so she wondered why Bernadette was being so careful. She said in the most normal voice she could,

"Thank you both so much for coming!"

"Of course, bestie," Amy said, "Even my horrible discomfort in medical establishments could not keep me from assuring you of your friends' concern." She held out the little teddy bear she had in her hands and said, "Here you are. I am informed that it is customary to present a gift of good will and wishes of a speedy recovery from medical maladies in time of injury or illness. I was also notified that a socially acceptable location to shop for such an item would be the hospital gift shop. Since you have many stuffed animals, I thought you might like this bear analog."

"Thank you, Amy. I love it," Penny said warmly, smiling down at the little chocolate-colored bear.

After Amy and Bernadette had stayed for just a few minutes, they sent in Raj and Howard. Then the nurse insisted Penny had had enough visitors, and Howard promised to tell the others that Penny would see them as soon as she got home, and that he would profusely thank them on her behalf for their concern and for rushing to the hospital.

Because Penny had a private room, the nurse told her she was allowed to have a visitor spend the night if she wanted. At first, Penny declined, thinking that there was no chance at all Sheldon would want to sleep in a reclining chair – in a _hospital_ – without access to his various hygienic accouterments and routine. Forget about the fact that he didn't have his pajamas.

The nurse came back into Penny's room a few minutes after Penny'd said no, looking rather startled.

"The young man named Dr. Cooper is absolutely insisting on spending the night," she said.

Penny raised her eyebrows. "Um... okay…" she said.

Sheldon arrived a bit after that, looking annoyed.

"The nurse said that you did not want me to stay," Sheldon said testily.

Penny frowned. "I didn't think you'd want to," she said.

"How could you think I would leave you here by yourself?" Sheldon's voice was soft then, and he looked at her with such plaintive wide eyes that Penny would have swooned if she hadn't been lying down.

They wanted to watch some television while they waited for Penny's dinner to come. The little TV didn't get many channels, so they channel-surfed through their selection many times before Sheldon determined that there was "nothing of any consequence on" and shut it off.

"I feel very sleepy," Penny said groggily. "I don't know if I'll be able to stay awake for dinner."

"The medicine the nurse injected into your IV a few minutes ago was morphine. I expect it's probably already having a sedating effect," Sheldon said.

Penny shut her eyes and found that she couldn't really open them again. They weighed too much. "Mm hmm," was all she could manage, before drifting off into the deepest, most dreamless sleep she'd ever experienced.

* * *

**The Dissolution Confusion**

* * *

Penny was awakened at some point during the night by the pain. She cracked open her eyes and saw Sheldon sitting in the armchair, his head tipped against the window. He was awake. She knew because she could see the moonlight reflected in his glistening eyes. Penny thought maybe she was mistaken, but it looked like there was a tear track or two down his cheeks.

He stared out the window, a look of some kind of longing – regret? – in his eyes. His chin leaned on a tightly clenched fist, and his other hand's long fingers drummed anxiously on the arm of the chair.

Penny didn't want him to know she'd seen him like this. He looked sad and penitent, but most of all, vulnerable. Sheldon cherished his perceived invincibility.

So Penny shut her eyes again and stirred gently on the bed, mewling quietly. When she opened her eyes again, Sheldon was already rising from the chair, smearing away his tears hurriedly. He was at the bedside in a flash and leaned over the rail in the darkness. The glow of Penny's vitals monitor illuminated his features just enough for her to make out a concerned expression on his face.

"Do you need anything?" he asked. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Mmm," Penny shut her eyes against the pain. Breathing hurt badly. "Can you please tell the nurse that… everything hurts?" she requested.

"Of course," Sheldon replied. He darted from the room, and Penny could hear his voice out in the hallway. "Excuse me, nurse? I need a nurse, please!" He was being too loud, she thought. He'd wake everyone up. But, then, he probably wouldn't care about the comfort of any of the patients… besides Penny.

Whether or not Sheldon was being too loud, he got what he wanted (like always). A nurse came trotting down the hallway, if for no other reason than to shut up the man yelling in the corridor.

"What on Earth is going on?" the nurse asked, sounding angry.

"Hello," Sheldon began. "My girlfriend is experiencing generalized and widespread pain and discomfort. She is in need of prompt and effective therapeutic and prophylactic treatment."

"It's a little late to be talking like that, don't you think?" the nurse said sassily.

"I'm sorry. Let me put it into terms you may better understand. Penny needs pain medicine," Sheldon snapped. "Right now."

After there was a brief silence in which Penny could only imagine the nurse was giving Sheldon a _very_ dirty look, she heard Sheldon add perfunctorily,

"Please."

Penny smiled a little bit to herself, not only because it was good to hear Sheldon being _Sheldon_ again, but because he had called her his girlfriend. Every time he did that, it made Penny smile. Just like she liked being reminded that he loved her, she liked hearing him acknowledge the reality of their relationship.

The nurse was in shortly, with a miniature paper cup and a larger plastic one which was full of water.

"You've had an awful lot of morphine," the nurse told Penny. "These will help your pain, but they won't knock you off your feet quite as badly."

"Thank goodness," Penny said gratefully. She took the pills and swallowed all the water in the cup.

"Exactly what sort of pills were those?" Sheldon asked the nurse. "I should have liked to have known _before_ she popped them back like candy."

The nurse glared daggers at him. "They're just Vicodin. A very low dose," she told him through her teeth.

"Is there not a synergistic, additive depressant effect on the respiratory system when combining two such sedatives?" Sheldon asked worriedly.

"There would be, if we were combining them," the nurse replied testily. "Her other medication has already worn off." The nurse and Sheldon scowled at each other.

"Sheldon, _please_," Penny begged. "Just sit back down."

Sheldon frowned at Penny. When he saw the plaintive look in her eyes, he sighed and returned to the reclining chair. The nurse left the room without another word. Penny was a little peeved at that; she thought the nurse could have at least said something to Penny, like, 'Let me know if you need anything,' or something like that. What had _Penny_ done, anyway?

"Honey, I know you're trying to help, and that you're… you know, a control freak… but, you have to let these people do their jobs. They know what they're doing. I promise." Penny coughed a little bit and grabbed at her sore rib. Talking that much made her chest ache.

"I have far less confidence in that than you do, Penny," Sheldon said quietly, looking out the window again.

"When do they think I can go home?" Penny asked. Sheldon flicked his eyes back to her.

"A few days," he answered. "Maybe a week."

"A _week_? Penny nearly shrieked. "I will lose my job!"

"You won't," Sheldon assured her. "People, in my experience, tend to be remarkably understanding when one is the victim of a car accident or crime, Penny."

"Hmm," Penny huffed. "If I lose my job, I'm gonna be mad at you, Sheldon."

He looked visibly upset at that, and Penny abruptly felt terrible.

"You _should_ be angry," he asserted, hissing through the darkness. "I should never have driven that car! In all the years I've tried driving, it's never worked. There is some function associated with driving that does not work properly in my brain!"

Had Sheldon just admitted a flaw in his wondrous brain? Penny nearly giggled, but it would have been horribly inappropriate.

"I guess you'll have to ask Amy about that. She's the neurobiologist," Penny shrugged. She managed a sad little smile.

Sheldon shook his head. "This is not to be taken lightly, Penny. You were right. I almost killed you. I am not supposed to be with you."

"What?" Penny narrowed her eyes at him and felt an instant burn there and a stabbing in her chest not caused by her physical injuries.

Sheldon stood from the chair and raised his chin a little bit, gathering himself. "My place in the universe is by myself, I believe," he said. "I am perfectly capable of functioning on my own, I do not in any way _require_ personal relationships or interaction, and you are clearly far safer and happier without me."

"I never said that!" Penny said. "I didn't say that at all!"

Sheldon stared at her for a brief second, and she saw frost in his eyes that she'd never seen before.

"You didn't need to," he said, and he marched right out of the room.

* * *

Penny sobbed for twenty minutes after Sheldon left, completely inconsolable. She ignored the pain in her chest and shoulder and heaved with cries.

She had been wrong about him. He wasn't emotional. He couldn't love. He had no heart… no soul, she thought bitterly. He was like an empty shell of a person with bodily functions and a computer for a brain. She briefly, for a split second, considered the possibility that he really was a robot or an alien.

He was so cruel, she thought angrily, clenching the sheets on the bed as a nurse rubbed her back. Who the _fuck_ breaks up with a girl in the hospital? What kind of ignorant, nasty, heartless jerk tells a girl it's over while she has an IV and multiple broken bones?

Sheldon Cooper, that's who.

Finally, the nurses decided they'd heard enough of Penny's crying, and they asked her if she wanted something to make her fall asleep. She nodded, coughing through her cries because the sobs made it so hard to breathe. One did not appreciate the simplicity of breathing until a rib and collarbone were broken, Penny thought ruefully.

Once Penny was lying on her back, breathing with effort and running out of tears, she began to think again of Sheldon. Was he right? Was she better off without him? After all, she had interests about which he couldn't care less. He had interests about which she _tried_ to care, but didn't understand, or found strange, or both. Their Venn diagrams intersected over a relatively small area.

The moment that Penny had thought of a Venn diagram was when she had her epiphany.

A few years ago, Penny would _never_ have used a symbolic representation of information in her own mind. _Never_. Now, she often thought and spoke about things The Boys liked – things like Star Trek, Halo, paintball, superheroes, and what rudimentary math and science she'd gleaned from conversations and tutoring.

She'd changed. He'd changed her. She was different now. She wasn't the same dippy Penny she'd been when she'd moved in across the hall. Sure, she still had Hello Kitty pajama pants and an unhealthy obsession with shoes. Sure, she was still a bottle-blonde who liked to sleep until noon and didn't like leaving the house without makeup. Sure, she was still in pursuit of her acting career and hopelessly trapped in a life as a waitress. All of those things were part Penny's personality, her existence in Pasadena. But other traits had seeped into her character, too. Slowly but surely, little peculiarities had made their way inside – a love for gaming, cracking Trekkie jokes, buying The Boys heartfelt gifts that anyone outside their clique would consider embarrassingly dorky. She was not a full-blown geek, not by any stretch of the imagination. But she was a geek groupie, and she liked it.

Sheldon had changed, too, or at least Penny had _thought_ he had. He'd surrendered bits and pieces of his neuroses, just enough to allow human intimacy. Maybe he'd panicked, Penny thought. Maybe they'd both come too close to center, grown too close together, and Sheldon had freaked. That would be very like him, to be terrified of emotional intimacy just as much as, perhaps more than, the physical variety.

That must have been it, Penny told herself. She'd let herself reel him in too quickly. She'd been the hare in the tortoise and the hare race. He'd spooked, and this car accident had given him an easy out.

He could tell her all he wanted that it was about her safety. He could tell her it was about preserving his ability to get work done. But Penny knew the truth. Sheldon was scared of being close to her.

She cried herself to sleep.

* * *

"Thank you for picking me up, Amy."

"Absolutely, bestie. That's what friends are for." Amy opened the car door and helped the nurse get Penny out of the wheelchair and into the passenger's seat. "How do you like the new 'wheels'?"

"They're pretty slick," Penny admitted. Sheldon's insurance had come through with her replacement car. It was red, just like her last one, only this one was shiny and new and had doors in the back. Also, Penny thought rather sadly, its 'check engine' light was not on. That put a pang in her chest.

She'd had to stay in the hospital for eight days. Her rib and collarbone were taking longer to get stable than the doctor had wanted. Since insurance was covering the hospital stay, Penny had agreed. She had asked Amy to pick her up from the hospital when she got discharged. She had not spoken to Sheldon since the night he'd left. Leonard had brought some insurance forms by the hospital for Penny to sign for Sheldon. Penny had been extremely hurt that Sheldon could not bring them himself, or at least come with Leonard.

As Penny and Amy drove silently in the car, Penny stared out the window and realized she hadn't seen the outside world in over a week. It all looked surreal and strange, and Penny had sort of forgotten what it felt like to function in it.

"Have you talked to him?" Penny asked finally.

"To whom?" Amy asked.

"Sheldon."

"Ah. I have not," Amy said. "I see him in passing sometimes. I think, with time, that he and I may become friends again. We have many intellectual hobbies and interests in common, and we do enjoy one another's company. However, things are still very awkward between us."

"At least there are things between you," Penny said bitterly. "I was in the hospital for over a week, and… nothing. I don't understand."

Amy was silent for a moment. "May I engage in gossip, bestie?" she asked.

"Um… yes…" Penny replied hesitantly.

"I was dining with our group of friends the other night, including Sheldon, and he seemed quite miserable indeed. In fact, he did not say a single word throughout the entirety of the meal. We were at the Cheesecake Factory for an hour and a half and he did not speak." Amy flicked her eyes to Penny to gauge her reaction.

Penny furrowed her brow. "What did he do when someone asked him a question or talked to him?"

"Nobody dared do that," Amy replied. "He looked as though he were constantly on the verge of either tears or a violent rampage, as if one errant comment might set him off. He was, to use a turn of phrase, 'coming apart at the seams.'"

"If he's so upset, why didn't he call me?" Penny demanded angrily. "Why didn't he send me a text or something?"

"I believe his emotions are quite raw," Amy told her. "Sheldon is particularly inept at coping with emotion."

"Well, whatever," Penny scoffed. "I'm so over him it's not even funny."

"I don't understand."

"Never mind." They were pulling up North Los Robles, and Penny felt a sense of calm for the first time at the prospect of being home.

Amy helped her out of the car, and Penny leaned with her good side onto Amy's shoulder. When they stepped through the front doors of the apartment building, he very nearly ran into them.

"Oh. Hello," he said quietly.

"Hi, Sheldon."

"I trust your condition has improved substantially." Sheldon sniffed once, a haughty little sniff.

"Mm hmm," Penny said, leaning onto Amy for support of all kinds.

"This _is_ awkward," Amy said unnecessarily. "A man standing before his only two ex-girlfriends, one of whom he injured in a near-fatal car accident."

Sheldon glared. "Thank you for that brilliant summary and observation, Amy Farrah Fowler." He glanced behind him at the stairs and back at Penny leaning onto Amy. "How on Earth do you intend to get up to your apartment?"

"We'll be fine," Penny said sharply. "'Bye."

Sheldon shut his eyes and sighed irritably. "You won't make it one flight of steps," he insisted. "I'll transport you by carrying you one landing at a time, and then I'll need to stop for a short pause. It's the only method to getting upstairs, I'm afraid."

Amy and Penny looked at each other and realized he was right. There was no way Amy would be able to help Penny up four flights of stairs. As for food, well, she'd just have to get delivery food the next few days until she could manage the stairs on her own.

"Okay," Penny said finally, sounding miserable. "Won't you be late to… wherever you're going?"

"I was just going to the comic book store," Sheldon said. "It's not important."

Penny thanked the great I Am that she had lost about six pounds in the hospital. She wouldn't be so heavy for Sheldon to carry. She passed her purse to Amy and wordlessly wrapped her arms around Sheldon's neck, avoiding his eyes. He lifted her off the ground and cradled her in his arms, walking slowly up the first flight of stairs.

If he was over-exerting himself, he didn't show it, though Penny knew he wasn't the most muscular man in the world. They paused on the second floor landing and Sheldon caught his breath and stretched his muscles. Penny noticed that the instant his hands were off of her and his face far from hers, she was overcome with a sense of grief and loss. She felt tears welling up and knew she couldn't stop them. They weren't angry tears; they were tears of heartache. They rolled silently down her cheeks and Sheldon pretended not to see them as he scooped her up again to carry her to the third floor.

By that point, Penny's face was blotchy and red, and several tears ran in rivulets down her face. Still, she was silent. Sheldon looked down, put his hands on his hips, and sighed.

Amy looked like she was watching something she was not supposed to see, and like she desperately wanted to leave.

"Just one more flight!" she said chirpily, and pointed up the stairs. "Onward and upward, as they say!" She headed for the stairs.

Sheldon was breathing heavily now, having carried Penny three flights of stairs. His breath was shaky and his cheeks were a deep shade of red, though whether from toil or shame, Penny did not know. He lifted Penny into a cradle position one last time, and Penny thought to herself that it might be the last time he ever held her.

She lost it then. She 'came apart at the seams,' as Amy had said. She started crying hard, gasping for air and burrowing her face into Sheldon's chest. She only pulled away because she realized she was acting like a clingy, needy little girl. Then she wanted to punch him, and was glad they reached the fourth landing.

Amy unlocked Penny's apartment and pushed the door open, and Sheldon quickly carried Penny into her bedroom and put her on her bed as gently as he could. It was seemingly just in the nick of time; his arms were shaking like they were going to give out.

Penny had pulled herself together enough that she wasn't sobbing, but tears were still tumbling out of her eyes and her face was red and splotchy. She tried to tell herself not to be 'that girl,' the one who clung to a guy no matter how he treated her. She would watch him walk right out of this apartment, and tomorrow she'd see about breaking her lease and moving somewhere else.

Amy cleared her throat. "The medication she's on can make her a bit emotional."

Sheldon stared at her. "Amy Farrah Fowler," he said in a careful voice, "I know that you drove Penny home with the intention of helping her get settled. However, I would ask you to please leave at this time."

Penny thought that was awfully rude of him, but Amy did not look offended. She just nodded and said to Penny,

"Text me if you need anything, bestie."

"Thank you for the ride, Amy," Penny croaked.

Sheldon stood silently until Amy had gone, then sighed deeply.

"Hello," he said, as if they were acknowledging one another all over again.

Penny gritted her teeth and propped herself up against her pillows. She frowned angrily at Sheldon.

"You know, I know you don't want to be with me anymore, but you could have sent a 'Get Well Soon' card, Sheldon. You could have sent a text message asking how I was feeling. You could have come with Leonard with the insurance papers."

Sheldon blinked. "That is quite literally the single most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said in my presence."

"Excuse me?" Penny almost shouted, coughing once and grasping her rib.

"Please be careful," Sheldon scolded. "You stated that you _know_ that I 'don't want to be with' you. That is utter nonsense."

Penny pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows. "Then why the hell did you break up with me, Sheldon?"

"I broke up with you because it seemed like I was on the verge of losing you through means beyond my control. I decided to terminate the relationship of my own volition."

Penny sucked in breath, irritated. "What does that _mean_?"

"You passed out," Sheldon said, his voice almost a whisper. He gulped heavily and blinked very quickly like he had in the hospital that first night, trying to suppress his reaction. "In the car, immediately following the crash. I… lost you." He shook his head very slowly and licked his lips, staring off into a memory. "You were bleeding _everywhere_, and you just looked _broken_. You looked broken, and I could not fix you. There was nothing I could do. I did my best to staunch the bleeding until the ambulance arrived, but I could only do so much, and your pulse was slowing. You were slipping away. They got there just in time. If there had been traffic…"

Penny was horrified. Sheldon had endured a major trauma. Of course he would react badly. How could she not have seen – not understood?

"They allowed me to accompany you in the ambulance, but then they whisked you away from me at the hospital," Sheldon continued. "As I watched them hurrying down the hallway and through the doors with you on a gurney, I thought perhaps it would be the last time I would ever see you. And the very worst part of it, Penny, was that it was all my fault. Not on purpose, of course, but people do all sorts of things all the time that are the direct result of accidental action. Mistakes happen, yes, but so do consequences, and people are forced to endure those consequences indefinitely."

Penny did not know what to say. She really had nothing at all to say. "I'm very sorry, Sheldon," she managed.

Sheldon shrugged. "So I thought about it while you were asleep, once I realized you were safe. I loved you so much, Penny, that I couldn't bear the idea of causing you any harm. It would be better if our paths did not cross at all, so that if anything happened I wouldn't have to live with it. That's what I thought."

He looked at his toes, shamefaced. When he raised his eyes to meet Penny's, glistening tears surrounded his bright blue irises. "In the subsequent eight days, I have come to realize that I would rather have five minutes of bliss and fifty years of misery than no time at all with you."

Penny's mouth opened like a fish. Now she _really_ did not know what to say. It was far and away the most flattering thing anyone had ever said to her. But, in typical Sheldon fashion, he wasn't done.

"So, please, Penny… I know that I am undeserving of amnesty given the abrupt and rude manner in which I terminated the relationship. However, I am very humbly requesting to resume said relationship."

"You want me to take you back?" Penny asked, raising her eyebrows.

Sheldon nodded.

"After I spent eight days in the hospital without hearing or seeing hide nor hair of you," Penny scoffed.

"Again, I acknowledge the transgressions."

Penny sighed. "Come here, Sheldon." She scooted to her right and patted the mattress beside her. Sheldon sat on the edge of the bed and rotated his torso so that he was facing her. He gave her a smoldering, steely look that would make any right-minded straight girl swoon. He probably didn't even realize he was doing it, Penny thought.

"Kiss me," she commanded.

Sheldon looked confused. Penny had not yet formally agreed to be with him again. He tentatively leaned forward and touched his lips to Penny's, giving her a dry peck.

Penny sighed, frustrated.

"No," she said testily. "_Kiss_ me, Sheldon."

So he did, though very gently. He spread his long fingers through Penny's blonde hair and pulled her head toward his face, meeting her halfway. He tilted his head and opened his lips a little and peeked his tongue into her mouth, teasing and flicking. He stroked her scalp with one hand and her back with his other as the kiss boiled and grew more intense. He lapped at the roof of her mouth, nibbled her bottom lip, sucked gently, and moaned softly into her mouth.

When they broke apart, Penny was panting softly and her eyes fluttered shut. A tear squeezed out of one eye.

"I love you, Sheldon."

It was the first time she'd said it before him. Her voice cracked a bit as she said it, and her breath hitched when he said it back.

"Go on a date with me," he said then, and Penny looked confusedly at him. "Please, will you go on a date with me?" he asked more politely. "I promise you, Penny, I will be good to you."

"You were good to me, MoonPie, when you're weren't playing bumper cars." Penny smiled sadly at him and ran her thumb under his eye. "Just be good to me again, and we'll be fine."

Sheldon nodded and repeated, "We'll be fine."

* * *

**The Date Night Data**

* * *

Sheldon determined that their date would take place the following Friday, hoping that Penny would be feeling well enough by then to go out.

In the interim, Penny had to wear a support brace that looked like a thin bulletproof vest to protect her healing clavicle and rib. She also had to rest and try to let the bones and the rest of her body mend. It was frustrating, since Penny had been in the hospital for so long and was now trapped on the fourth floor of the building.

On her third day being home, she could walk without assistance and was on only over-the-counter pain medication. The stairs were still too much for her, but Penny opened her windows for fresh air.

Sheldon was a wonderful nurse in a way he'd never been before when Penny had been ill. She remembered the time that they'd both been sick and she had made him soup. She'd reminded him that she was ill as well, and his response had been that it was not his problem.

How far they'd come.

He washed and folded all of her clothes, doled delivery food out onto plates for her, refilled beverages, cleaned her apartment, and was generally Penny's lackey. She tried hard not to take advantage, but it was very convenient having Sheldon at her beck and call.

The evening of her date with Sheldon, Amy and Bernadette agreed to come over and help Penny get ready. It was still difficult for Penny to lift her arm because of her shoulder, so things like styling her hair or putting on makeup were somewhat out of the picture. Penny thought it was genuinely good-natured of Amy to tag along, considering that the aforementioned date was with her ex-boyfriend.

Around five-thirty on that Friday, Penny sat in one of her small chairs having her hair done by Bernadette. Amy sat nearby, looking on with a look of mild curiosity on her face.

"So," Amy said rather awkwardly, "Have you and Sheldon resumed coitus?"

Penny nearly choked. Her eyes went round and she stared at Amy. Bernadette giggled under her breath.

"What… uh… what makes you think Sheldon and I were ever…" Penny couldn't finish her sentence.

"Oh, it was relatively obvious during your relationship," Amy asserted. "It was clear that there was an authentic and robust physical aspect of your bond. Sheldon and I never had that. You and he had something that we did not. It was that simple. I accepted it." She spoke plainly and without emotion in her voice, but when she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, she sniffed a little and blinked twice.

"Oh, Ames… I'm sorry…" Penny felt horrible. "I don't really know what to say."

"You might answer my question," Amy suggested. "Have the two of you resumed coitus in the wake of your devastating injury, subsequent break-up, and ensuing reunification?"

Bernadette's hands stilled in Penny's hair as if she, too, were actually curious. Penny wondered why they all cared. She sighed.

"No," she admitted. "It's been a very long time now since we've really done anything physical, but I'm not very comfortable talking about it."

"I suppose you're no more uncomfortable discussing it than Sheldon is doing it," Amy postulated, rather goading Penny on. Amy smiled sadly.

Penny frowned and handed Bernadette a bobby pin. "He is _not_ uncomfortable with me," she insisted. "Or, at least… he wasn't. He wasn't uncomfortable before we broke up. I hope he still isn't."

"For your sake, bestie, I hope not, as well." Amy reached over and patted Penny's hand gently.

For the first time of the evening, Penny felt butterflies in her stomach.

* * *

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

His voice sounded meek and uncertain. His knocks were quiet and tentative. When Penny opened the door and grinned at him, he was adjusting his black suit coat nervously. He had a fistful of flowers, and he was staring at his shoes.

"Good evening, Penny," he said in a quiet voice, holding out the mixed bouquet. "These are for you."

"Thank you, honey. Come on in. I'm ready to go. The girls helped me out. Wasn't that sweet of them?" Penny considered what she could do to put him at ease. While she put the flowers in water, she asked him off-handedly, "Where are we headed for dinner, sweetie?"

"To Houston's, if that is acceptable," Sheldon said, standing right by the door. He looked as if he were ready to run out of it at any given moment. Penny took him in. He looked mighty fine in the black suit she'd made him buy, she thought. He looked slim and cut. She suddenly had a flashback to the night he'd stripped it off drunk and nearly laughed out loud.

"Houston's sounds great," she said, covering for herself. She placed the flower vase on the counter and limped over to Sheldon.

"You look… very pretty," Sheldon squeaked, when Penny was right in front of him. She grinned. She had on a maroon full-skirted dress with little black polka dots on it and a halter neckline, with a thick black belt. Her hair had been curled and pinned into a 1940s throwback style. She had dared to wear black pumps.

"Thank you, Sheldon," Penny said, closing the gap between them and lacing her arms up around his neck. She watched him gulp as he put his hands on her waist. She drew herself up so her lips were just a breath away from his and whispered, "I want you so badly."

He smiled a little and stroked her waist with his big hands. "Later," he said. "I'm very hungry." He reached behind him and pulled the door open and guided Penny out into the hall.

"Later," she affirmed.

* * *

Dinner was very nice indeed. Penny didn't want to get anything too expensive since Sheldon had decided to be a gentleman and pay for the meal. However, Sheldon insisted she get whatever she wanted, so she got the rib eye. It was delicious.

Sheldon pulled his usual punches. He demanded that everyone in the back use gloves to handle his food, he made all sorts of substitutions, he asked for things on the side, and he provided commentary to the menu. Penny tried telling him that this wasn't The Cheesecake Factory, that she, Penny, was not his waitress and could not control the conditions in the back, but Sheldon was having none of it. It didn't matter where he ate, he said. He would have his accouterments on the side and assemble his meal himself. Furthermore, his meal would be sanitary. Penny just nodded and gave him a sad little smile. Oh… Sheldon…

They took a cab home because Penny had had three drinks and couldn't drive. They certainly weren't going to let _Sheldon_ drive, no matter how sober he was. So, they left her car at the restaurant and figured they'd ask Leonard to bring them back tomorrow.

Penny was buzzed but not completely drunk. It was enough that it was difficult for her to climb the stairs and she leaned heavily on Sheldon for support, giggling a little bit as they ascended.

"What's so funny?" Sheldon asked.

"No matter what, I just can't climb these damn stairs," Penny said.

"Hm," Sheldon replied. "Maybe they ought to fix the elevator."

"I know how it broke," Penny revealed. "Leonard told me."

Sheldon looked surprised. "Oh."

"You saved _everyone_!" Penny exclaimed.

"Yes," Sheldon nodded, "but what choice did I have, really?"

"You could have chosen to be a dick about it, like you've chosen a million other times," Penny giggled. Sheldon glared at her. That just made her giggle harder as they reached the fourth landing. Penny put her key in the door lock and pushed it open. She meandered into her room and flicked on the lamp. "God, this place is a _mess_," she lamented.

"You should help me clean it," Sheldon suggested.

"Right now? On Date Night?" Penny whined.

"How about tomorrow?" Sheldon compromised. Penny nodded, collapsing down onto her bed. She saw Sheldon shift a little on his feet when she flopped herself, and saw the hungry look in his eyes when she brushed her fingertips across her collarbone.

"Come here, Sheldon," Penny said, her voice husky. Sheldon shuffled into the room and stopped a few steps in front of Penny's bed. Penny patted the comforter beside her, and Sheldon sank down onto it. Penny continued stroking her collarbone for a moment in silence until Sheldon burst out,

"Can we _please_ brush our teeth, Penny?"

She nearly laughed aloud, but nodded. "Help me up, please," she requested, and Sheldon eased a hand beneath her left shoulder (the non-injured one) to raise her from the bed. He walked with her to the bathroom and used the toothbrush he kept there to scrub away the traces of steak and dessert. Penny did the same, swishing mouthwash through her teeth and over her gums when she was finished. She was pleasantly surprised with the clean and fresh feeling of her mouth when it was done and how much more ready she felt to kiss him.

Right there in the bathroom.

So she turned to him and entangled her fingers in his hair and leaned up, waiting for something to happen. She was very worried that nothing would, and was very glad when something did. Sheldon angled his mouth down and touched his lips to hers, gently at first but then with a sense of urgency, as if she were going to disappear. He moaned a little bit, just a small sound of insistent desperation, exhibiting a sense of earnestness and yearning. His hands at first floated in the air like they had no idea where to go, then planted themselves on her back, searching and exploring the expanse of her smooth skin exposed by the halter cut of her dress.

"Bedroom," he managed when their mouths broke apart for a brief moment. Then, pulling away, "Please, Penny. I should like to proceed to the bedroom. I have no interest in claiming you anywhere in the vicinity of a toilet."

Penny grinned and took Sheldon's hand, lacing his fingers through hers, and started sauntering back toward the bedroom. They stood for a moment beside her bed, but Penny couldn't put her hands up to Sheldon any more. Her shoulder hurt too badly. She'd already overexerted herself wrapping her arms around his neck and touching his hair.

"Can we lie down?" she asked, thinking that perhaps that angle would be better. Sheldon nodded. He'd already taken off his suit coat and shoes before brushing their teeth, so now he took of his tie, as well. "Just take it all off," Penny said half-jokingly, but Sheldon thought she was very serious indeed, so he proceeded to quickly strip down to his underwear and socks. He meticulously folded each article of clothing and placed them in a neat pile.

"Well, all righty, then," Penny nodded, turning around. "Can you unzip my dress, please?" Sheldon did, and Penny shucked it, leaving her in just black panties since she'd had on pumps and no bra. She was more unceremonious with her clothing, tossing it into a hamper.

"Lie down on your back, Sheldon," Penny said.

"All right," he said meekly, his eyes averted from her.

"You can look at me," Penny said, touching her breasts in a way that she hoped was appealing. Gauging by his reaction, it was. She saw him grow in his underwear as he lay down and saw his eyes grow wide as her fingers coursed over the soft tissue of her breasts and over the hard nubs of her nipples. She tipped her head back and moaned his name softly.

"Please… please come here," Sheldon gulped and shut his eyes for a moment.

"Okay," Penny said happily, climbing as quickly as her injuries would allow her onto the bed beside Sheldon. She sat back on her haunches beside him and smiled down at him. He finally opened his eyes again and was breathing much more quickly this time.

"May I pose a query, Penny?"

"Does that mean, 'can you ask a question?'" Penny clarified.

"Yes."

"Then, yes," Penny nodded.

"Would you be willing to engage in sexual intercourse with me tonight wherein the position of engagement involves the female partner 'on top'?"

Penny smiled. "You want me to ride you again, MoonPie?"

He nodded, too eagerly at first, and then said by way of explanation, "I believe it to be the position that will least aggravate your injuries."

"Oh. Of course," Penny nodded. Then she grinned wickedly and leaned down to kiss Sheldon. "I'll ride you, MoonPie," she promised. "I'll ride you like a bronco."

"That sounds… frightening," Sheldon admitted.

"Uh-uh," Penny shook her head, her lips brushing against his. "It's gonna be really good. I promise."

"All right," Sheldon said, enveloping Penny in a kiss as she tugged off his underwear. She felt like maybe she ought to do some sort of foreplay with him, but tonight she was just going to be a Big Ol' Five and cut right to the chase. It had been too long, she thought. She had way too much pent up sexual energy. She stripped off her panties and tossed them aside.

He was ready for her, long and thick and hot and throbbing. She stroked him a few times while she kissed him and he gasped into their kisses, moaning furiously. She hadn't touched him like this in ages, she thought. Or, at least, it had felt like ages.

Penny got up and fetched a condom from her dresser drawer. She was on the pill, but with all the medication she'd been on for her injuries, as well as stress, one could never be too certain. She briefly explained this to Sheldon and he agreed with her assessment. She tore the package open and rolled the condom down onto Sheldon's hardness.

She threw a leg over his hips and lowered herself onto him, hissing with every inch. He was just so damn _big_. How did somebody like Sheldon Cooper wind up with a member like this? Honestly. It boggled the mind.

When she could finally start moving on him, she felt his hands on her hips, gently following her motions, not urging her up and down but instead just keeping pace with her ebb and flow. Penny heard Sheldon's voice somewhere in the distance, saying her name in a strained and quiet voice, over and again, and she answered him with his own name, but both their voices were drowned out by the ringing in her ears, and she couldn't see him because her eyes were clenched shut as she rocked up and down.

He was right; her injuries barely hurt her as she moved on him. She knew that if he were on top of her or, even worse, if she were on her hands and knees, she would be in indescribable pain right now. This was really the only option tonight. Well, what an option, Penny thought, feeling him stretch her walls and stroke her inside and out. She felt one of his hands move to her little nub and begin fiddling with it, and she gasped happily. His other hand migrated to her breast and began fondling, and Penny tipped her head back and smiled. She finally managed to open her eyes and saw in the lamplight that Sheldon's bright blue irises were fixated on her, drinking in her body as she swayed up and down and in circular motions on his hard and throbbing member. He gulped hard when her eyes met his.

Penny felt pressure and butterflies building in her gut as Sheldon continued stroking her clitoris and she continued riding him. He fondled her breast a little harder as she tensed against him, coming in spasms and contractions that were fast and rhythmic and then grew sporadic. Her moans echoed in the little bedroom, moans that carried his name over and over.

"I love you, Sheldon," she said when she came down from her high, and all he could do was nod. She knew that it was mutual; he just couldn't speak right now. His sapphire eyes fluttered shut and his face began to contort. His hands gripped her hips again and drove Penny down hard onto him. She gave him a moment to finish, listening to her name wrench out of his mouth, then climbed off of him.

She snuggled up beside him and he allowed her to do so. He wrapped an arm around her as she burrowed her head into the crook between his chest and his shoulder. "You know that I love you, as well, Penny," he said, and Penny smiled to herself.

"I do know," she said. "Thank you for a very nice date night."

"I think I am glad that we are once again a couple, Penny. I am very sorry indeed for having left you." They were silent for a few moments as Sheldon stroked Penny's arm and stared at the ceiling. "I don't think I will ever leave you again."

* * *

**The Valentine's Day Verisimilitude**

* * *

Penny went back to work the next day, Saturday. It was her first day back since the accident, so she was only going to work a half shift, and she was going to bartend instead of waitressing. She needed the money badly, and she was so looking forward to getting out of her apartment that she was nearly giddy as she drove herself to The Cheesecake Factory.

It was just like riding a bike. The routine of work came back to her in minutes, the satisfying buzz of activity in her brain making her feel alive and at last put to good use.

About forty-five minutes before her shift ended, three familiar figures came strutting through the door and took seats at her bar.

"Raj! Leonard! Sheldon!" Penny acknowledged the boys and put a napkin in front of each one of them. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We wanted to make sure you were holding up all right," Leonard said cordially.

"You're not going out with Alex tonight?" Penny asked.

"She knows I need time with my guys," Leonard smiled, and that made Penny smile, too. She quickly got Raj a Grasshopper and Leonard a beer, and looked to Sheldon to see what he wanted. He flashed her a shy, crooked little smile, his eyes glinting.

"I'll have a diet virgin Cuba Libre, please," he said shyly, folding his hands on the bar.

"Diet Coke, coming right up," Penny laughed.

"With lime," Sheldon reminded her, and Penny nodded.

Penny tended to her other customers while the boys bickered about a new star that had been discovered. She had one vodka tonic drinker who was past needing to be cut off and a beer drinker who wanted the volume turned up on the Chargers game. She was very grateful when she glanced at the clock and realized there were only fifteen minutes left in her shift.

"Who wants shots?" she exclaimed, waving a bottle of cake-flavored vodka toward the boys.

Leonard and the now mildly inebriated Raj made a celebratory noise, but Sheldon flashed Penny a judgmental glare.

"Must I be reminiscent of a _very_ calamitous and regrettable Christmas Eve which I believe both of us would much rather overlook?" Sheldon asked testily. "A Christmas Eve upon which you engaged in the ingestion of shots?"

Penny sucked in breath and nodded. "Okayyy…" she nodded, sniffing indignantly. "Just the two boys, then."

"Oh, lighten up, Sheldon," Raj said somewhat drunkenly. "You can't tell this girl what to do. Right, Penny?" He grinned childishly up at Penny like he was expecting a cookie as a reward.

Penny patted him on the head like a puppy and smiled kindly at him. "Absolutely, sweetie, but Sheldon is right. I do need to cut back."

"You feel like you drink too much, Penny?" Leonard asked, sounding genuinely concerned. He suddenly eyed the shot Penny was pouring him with a little more suspicion and disdain in his brown eyes.

"I don't know," Penny sighed. "What do you guys think?"

They all spoke at once.

"No way," Raj said.

"Not for me to decide," said Leonard.

"Most definitely," declared Sheldon.

Penny stared at the three of them. "Okay, then…" She slid the two shots toward Raj and Leonard, who knocked them back cautiously. "Good to know there is consensus."

"The fact that there is no unanimity surrounding my viewpoint does not make it any less correct," argued Sheldon. He sipped on his third Diet Coke and said, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and void my bladder. I've had far too much caffeine, and it's a rather powerful diuretic."

"Thanks for sharing!" Leonard called after him, turning to Penny.

"This shot tasted like birthday cake!" Raj exclaimed.

"Yeah, yeah. Listen up!" Penny said in a swift, hushed voice. "Valentine's Day is in _three days_ and I have no idea what to do for Sheldon."

"So you're asking us?" Leonard said incredulously, looking from Raj to Penny. "We are probably the last people on Earth to consult about Valentine's Day, Penny."

"I just need a gift idea!" Penny said desperately, glancing toward the bathroom door.

"You've always gotten him gifts he's loved," Leonard argued. "Stick with that formula and you should be fine."

"Are you guys still going to that Star Trek convention in two weeks?" Penny asked. Leonard and Raj nodded happily. "What if I got him a VIP pass for that thing?"

Raj's eyes went wide and Leonard stuttered, "Uh… how – how are you going to do _that_?"

"I know the daughter of the CEO of the convention center," Penny said dismissively. "Anyway, I think I _might_ be able to snag him one. Would that be a good idea?" Leonard and Raj just nodded mutely. "Okay. Well, remember, keep it secret. Keep it safe." Penny smiled to herself at her _Lord of the Rings _reference, but the boys still looked in shock. It was just in time, because Sheldon came sauntering back to the table.

"What did I miss?" Sheldon asked as he slid onto his barstool.

"Nothing," Penny said quickly. "My shift is over."

"Oh, good!"

"Dude," Raj said disbelievingly, "Never, _ever_ let this one go. You don't even realize what you've got here." He gestured toward Penny with a look of shock on his face.

A proud little smile crossed Sheldon's face and he happily slurped down the last of his Diet Virgin Cuba Libre.

* * *

Valentine's Day at The Cheesecake Factory was just downright obnoxious. Penny was still tending bar, as her shoulder wasn't ready to carry heavy trays yet, but from her spot behind the counter, she had a perfect vantage point to take in every creepy, pathetic, mushy, distant, clingy, or noob couple in the joint. For the first hour and a half, it was amusing.

"The little girl laughed to see such sport," Penny muttered under her breath as she took it all in. One couple didn't say a word to each other the whole meal. A couple of gay men were so adorable she couldn't take her eyes off of them. Two teenagers looked absolutely terrified. Two very elderly people nearly made Penny cry. Every kind of couple was dining in the restaurant that night.

What was obnoxious was the bar, and all the single people drinking at it. Valentine's Day was the day when miserable single people drowned their sorrows with alcohol in hopes that they could forget that they had no one with which to share this gaudy, fabricated holiday. It was Penny's paid duty to listen to their pitiful tales of woeful singlehood and how they arrived at being alone. She had to endure stories of divorce, cheating, death, and the classic, 'No woman ever loved me.' It was like the world's worst country song stretched over far too many hours.

So when Penny clocked out and realized her tips were more scanty than usual, and her experience had been far more miserable than usual, she was particularly peeved. She sighed and drove home, irritated. She huffed up the stairs as quickly as her still-aching chest would allow. Every day when she was in her car, she was reminded of the accident. Every day when she climbed the steps, her body would not let her forget that she was still healing. She was far past being angry with Sheldon, but her dreams were still haunted by images of that SUV hurtling at her and by the memory of him storming out of her hotel room. She was, at this point, just glad they were together and that the storm had passed. It was as so many had said – what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Right?

It was past nine o'clock when Penny got home on Valentine's Day, and she wondered if Sheldon would even be up for an evening with her. She stuck her key in her lock, glancing at Apartment 4A and wondering if she should first let him know that she was home. But then her shoulder ached badly and she thought she might just text him and ask him to come over instead.

When she pushed the door open and saw that there were lamps on in the apartment, she was initially confused, until she saw Sheldon patiently waiting for her on the couch.

There was a large candle on the coffee table in front of him, and its flame flickered, reflecting off of Sheldon's mildly smiling face. It made him look somewhat angelic, like Penny was dreaming. She actually reached down to her thigh and pinched herself through her skirt to make sure that she was not, in fact, asleep. When it hurt (like a bitch), she realized that, in fact, he was that attractive.

His face glowed, golden and resplendent, in the candlelight. A smile that could only accurately be described as "cute" crossed his face, and his bright blue eyes glistened through the dimness. He'd mussed his hair just like he had in Paris. He had on a royal blue thermal tee with a plain light gray t-shirt over it. The sleeves of the thermal were pushed up just enough to reveal his forearms, which Penny found inexplicably attractive in their lean, toned state, with a dusting of hair over them. Sheldon sat with his knees spread and an elbow on each knee, his hands clutched together as if in prayer (though that would be ridiculous).

Penny smiled at him as she closed the door quietly behind her, saying nothing as she walked slowly into the living room. Her eyes scanned down to the coffee table and saw that there was a small box in red wrapping paper next to a card. Penny also had a card clutched in her hand. She gripped it a little more tightly when she saw the small red box. A box that size could only mean one thing – jewelry. A small square box sure seemed like a specific _type_ of jewelry, and Penny sincerely hoped that Sheldon had not gone and done something incredibly stupid to screw everything up.

"Hi, MoonPie," she said nervously. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Most felicitous greetings to you upon this most commercialized festival of the infant archer mascot," Sheldon nodded, and Penny giggled.

"You surprised me by being here when I got home," Penny said. "It smells nice in here."

"The aroma which you are detecting is that of cleaning solution," Sheldon stated. "You will note that your belongings are adequately organized, your refrigerator has been purged of all its many expired denizens and sanitized, all hard surfaces sterilized, and your sheets laundered and replaced on your bed." He smiled proudly.

Penny felt her eyes well up. "That was… very sweet of you, honey. I'm sorry I'm not a very good housekeeper." She was half-embarrassed and half-flattered.

"No need to feel discomfited, Penny. Would you like to go change out of your work clothes?" His eyebrows flicked up slightly, in just the slightest hint of suggestiveness.

Penny suppressed a grin. "That sounds good," she said. "Be right back." She sauntered into her bedroom and opened the drawer where she kept her 'cute' and 'sexy' things. She decided she didn't want to frighten Sheldon, but it _was_ Valentine's Day, so she slipped on pink satin shorts and a matching fitted satin spaghetti-strap tank that boosted her bust. The set was a tactile dream, Penny thought as she slid her hands down her torso. She wore no undergarments. She shook her hair loose from its ponytail and used her fingers to comb out the waves. She sprayed on a few spritzes of perfume and cleared her throat before proceeding back to the living room. Yes, she _really_ hoped that little red box did not contain anything stupid.

"Would you like to exchange gifts?" Penny asked as she came walking – strutting – out into the living room. Sheldon rotated over his shoulder to answer but stopped. His jaw dropped and his eyes went round. He just blinked a few times and then shut his mouth, probably realizing he looked like a fish. "Honey?" Penny prompted.

"Um…" Sheldon licked his lips and gulped. He nodded quickly as Penny came and sat beside him on the couch. He quickly folded his hands in his lap and nodded frantically.

"Okay." Penny repressed a wicked little smile and handed Sheldon his card. "Here you go, sweetie. Happy Valentine's Day."

Sheldon took the card from Penny and shut his eyes, looking dizzy. He breathed deeply and trembled a little bit. Penny put her hand on his shoulder, but that only seemed to make it worse.

"You smell _very_ nice, Penny," Sheldon said.

"Thank you!" Penny exclaimed. She decided to be a complete bitch about his apparent predicament and leaned in to him, planting a teasing, soft kiss in the crook of his neck, on his most delicate skin. He shivered fiercely. "I love you, Sheldon," she whispered into his ear.

"Oh, good _Lord_!" Sheldon exclaimed, turning and grabbing Penny by the shoulders. He gestured down to her satin ensemble. "Why did you have to wear_that_?"

Penny looked at him with wide, innocent eyes. "What's the matter with it?" she asked innocuously.

"Don't feign naïveté, Penny," Sheldon scolded. "You are a minx. Trying to seduce me, on Valentine's Day, of all days." He flashed her a little smile and laughed his awkward, breathy little hiccup of a laugh.

"Just open your card, Sheldon." Penny rolled her eyes and smiled.

Sheldon tore his eyes from her and ripped them to the card she'd given him. He carefully tore open the envelope and pulled out the card inside. Penny had made it herself, just for Sheldon, having decided that store-bought cards were too mundane for a guy like him. She'd found the joke online, but she'd put the card together herself.

On the cover was an image of Charles Darwin with Word Art that said, "This Valentine's Day, I Select You! Naturally!"

"Oh, an Evolution joke on a Valentine's Day card! How novel and refreshing!" Sheldon exclaimed. He laughed his gasping snicker again and said, "Bazinga!"

He opened the card and didn't even bother reading the inside. Penny knew he wouldn't, so all she'd written was, "Happy Valentine's Day, Sheldon. With love from Penny." She'd known he wouldn't read it because his gift fell right out of the card. It was the VIP pass she'd been hoping to get him and had managed to score.

Sheldon held it up like it was the Holy Grail.

"A VIP Pass to the Star Trek Convention?" His voice was nearly inaudible. "Is this real?"

"Yup!" Penny clapped her hands happily.

"Oh, my _goodness_! Oh, oh, oh!" Sheldon jumped off the couch and threw his hands up in glee. "Thank you! Thank you so much! I'm so excited, Penny! You have no idea!"

"I have some idea," Penny said. "That's why I got it for you."

"You have one, too, right?" Sheldon asked excitedly. "You're coming with me, right?"

Penny hadn't been expecting that reaction at all. He'd never asked her to go to something like a Star Trek convention with him before. She was genuinely touched.

"No, honey," Penny said. "You're just going to the convention with your friends."

"Oh." Sheldon tried not to look disappointed.

"But you're the only one with a VIP pass!" Penny reminded him.

"Oh!" Sheldon grinned. He spent a few more minutes reveling in how happy he was to have it before telling Penny to open her gift. Penny felt butterflies in her stomach as she was reminded that the little red box was far too small and square for her comfort. She opened the card first, hoping to delay the inevitable.

It was a picture of Boromir from _Lord of the Rings_ with the message, "One does not simply stop loving you." Penny chuckled at that. The inside of the card had a written note that seemed far too long for Dr. Sheldon Cooper to have written. It actually only increased Penny's sense of dread. It fell out of the card on a separate sheet of paper and was scribed in very neat handwriting.

_Dear Penny, _it read,

_As we celebrate our first Valentine's Day as an official socially recognized couple, I attempt not to devolve into the shameful realm of the tawdry and foolish behavior exhibited by so many lovesick, libido-driven men on this most superficial of festivals._

_However, I find that nearly impossible to do. After all, you are single-handedly responsible for awakening in me an emotional and physical response to stimuli that heretofore left me completely uninterested. Therefore, I discover that as this holiday previously perceived to be so shallow approaches, I await it with bated breath rather than exasperated sighs. Such is your influence. Such is your power._

_I hope that you do not find this gift presumptuous or forward in any way, but will instead accept it as a token of my affection. Take it with the promise that whenever I glimpse this gift upon you, I shall tell you how beautiful you look. I love you more than I can adequately express, as I am hardly a wordsmith and am inexperienced in the sentiments of affection. Nevertheless, be assured that you are first in my mind my when I wake and last before I sleep._

_With only the best regards,_

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny swiped tears from her eyes and put the card on the coffee table.

"Are you all right, Penny? Why are you crying?" Sheldon asked obliviously.

Penny sniffled. She smiled weakly at Sheldon. "That letter is a keeper," she told him, and he smiled proudly back. He picked up the little red box and handed it to her. Well, she thought, the fact that he wasn't doing this on bended knee boded well.

She unwrapped the paper and placed it gently on the table, cracking open the little black box. She wasn't sure what she really expected to see, but she was elated when it turned out to be earrings with beautiful, glowing, large chocolate pearls dangling from rose gold lever backs. They were absolutely stunning. Penny grinned widely and looked up at Sheldon.

"Beautiful," she breathed, and quickly put them in her ears. "How do I look?" she asked.

"Beautiful," Sheldon repeated, just like he'd promised to say.

* * *

**The Gestation Estimation**

* * *

"Penny?"

"Mm hmm?" Penny tossed a few kernels of popcorn into her mouth and gulped down a swig of soda. She and Sheldon were watching The Avengers. Again.

"You were _remarkably_ calm and have been lacking in irritability this month."

Penny looked at Sheldon with a bemused expression. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

"I suppose perhaps I ought to retract my compliment," Sheldon noted. Then, by way of explanation, he said, "Each month, you follow an extraordinarily predictable path of behavior based on your hormonal fluctuations surrounding menstruation, Penny."

Penny flushed red with embarrassment. She was close to Sheldon, but not that close. She really did not want to discuss PMS with him. But, then…

Penny frantically started counting on her fingers, thinking back. She pulled up a calendar on her phone and flicked back through the months to count days. She did it three times, praying she was wrong. No, no, no. She _had_ to be wrong.

"What on Earth are you doing?" Sheldon asked obliviously, confused by Penny's horror.

"I'm… oh, Jesus, no. Sheldon, I'm _nine days_ late." Penny looked up from her phone at him, and a tear instantly coursed down her cheek.

Sheldon blanched. His face went a ghostly gray and he looked ill. "Excuse me?" he asked quietly.

"I think I'm pregnant, Sheldon!" Penny spat, flustered.

Sheldon appeared to try to steady his breath and licked his lips, his eyes darting from one part of the room to another. He absently grabbed the remote and turned off the television, plunging the room into an awkward silence.

"Let's not panic," he said, though his voice sounded anything but calm. "We have been meticulously careful. On nearly all occasions we have employed the use of a latex prophylactic in addition to hormonal birth control."

"Condoms fail, Sheldon, and the Pill can be compromised by the medicines I was on from the accident!" Penny ran her fingers through her hair anxiously.

"Again, Penny, I would request that you attempt to remain composed. In situations such as these, I like to always present myself with the 'worst case scenario.' Usually, it is not as bad as I am making it seem in my troubled mind." Sheldon put his trembling hand on Penny's shoulder.

Penny looked at him with terrified eyes. "The worst case scenario is that I'm _pregnant_!" she yelled.

Sheldon's hand slipped off of her shoulder and he stared back at her, seemingly very offended.

"Is that honestly such a horrible thing?" he demanded. "I would, of course, provide for you and any offspring financially and emotionally to the very best of my capabilities, Penny."

Penny started to cry, great heaving sobs that shook her to her core. "Oh, _God_!" she exclaimed. "That just makes it even harder to bear!"

Sheldon again looked confused. "Why?"

"Please just take me to a drugstore so I can buy a pregnancy test," Penny requested.

"Out of the question." Sheldon shook his head. "Over-the-counter pregnancy tests can have a failure rate of up to ten percent. We will take you to an urgent care clinic and have you tested by a doctor."

"I can't afford that," Penny insisted, but Sheldon gave her an exasperated look that told her he was going to pay for it, and she nodded reluctantly. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

"Height?"

"Sheldon, I can fill out my own forms." Penny sighed. "I'm not sick."

"You're distraught. Please allow me to complete these. I worry that you would not be as thorough or accurate as you need be. Height?"

"Five-six."

"Weight?"

"_Really_, Sheldon?" Penny gave him a dirty look. "Please give me the form."

Sheldon stared at her. "I'll see the number when you give it back to me to fill out the rest."

"Who says I'll do that?" Penny demanded.

"For Heaven's sake, Penny. Weight?"

Penny sighed. "One-twenty-five."

"Date of beginning of last menstrual cycle… February fourth…" Sheldon scribbled the date without even consulting Penny. She glared at him. She didn't bother asking how he knew that. He probably had a chart. "Reason for visit… suspected presence of embryo in uterus."

"Sheldon!"

"All right… request pregnancy exam due to amenorrhea. Better?" Sheldon scratched out his initial response.

"Are they going to make me pee in a cup?" Penny asked nervously.

Sheldon nodded. "Most likely, though I will also request a blood test."

Penny closed her eyes and shook her head. Sheldon was nothing if not thorough. Of course he would make her get blood drawn.

They called Penny just a few minutes later, and they did indeed make her pee in a cup when they saw that she was there for a pregnancy test. They also drew several vials of blood from her arm and then asked her to wait in an exam room while they processed the tests. As she sat on the table in the exam room, Penny glanced at Sheldon, who was starting to look a bit more worried now than he'd looked in her apartment. He was tapping his fingers on the arms of the chair in which he sat, staring at a poster on the wall and chewing on his bottom lip.

"Have you been feeling nauseated?" he asked Penny.

"No," she said cautiously.

"Hmm," he said. "Interesting."

"What's so interesting?" Penny asked, but Sheldon didn't have time to answer, because the door to the exam room opened again and the doctor came strolling in.

"Hello… Penny?" The doctor looked at Penny's chart and then up at her. He was a grandfatherly sort of man and smiled mildly. "I understand you're concerned about a missed period."

"Yes, sir," Penny nodded solemnly. "Am I pregnant?"

Sheldon looked like he was going to throw up.

"No, you're not," the doctor said calmly.

Penny nodded, smiled weakly, and then, inexplicably, burst into tears.

Sheldon looked very confused, but rose from his chair and placed a hand gently on Penny's back. As she convulsed with sobs, Sheldon's eyes went round and he asked, aghast,

"Why on Earth are you crying, Penny? Aren't you happy? You're not pregnant!"

"I have no idea why I'm crying. Happy tears, I guess," Penny said, though she knew they weren't happy tears. It was true that she had no idea why she had burst into a fit of crying. She felt a tempest of emotions: relief and a strange, unfounded sense of grief both rolled into a storm that was booming around inside of her. It was at once inexplicable and primal.

"It's very normal for a woman your age to have this reaction upon learning that she is not pregnant when she thought that maybe she was," the doctor said soothingly. "You will probably experience both joy and sadness. It's a very strange melancholy."

Penny nodded, leaning against Sheldon for support.

"I believe," the doctor continued, "that your missed period was a result of the antibiotics you were prescribed. They were to prevent infection of your wounds following a car accident?" Penny nodded. "Well," the doctor said, "those can interfere with hormonal birth control and 'mess up' your cycle. I would advise supplementing the Pill with condoms for about a month now that you're off the antibiotics until everything rights itself."

Penny nodded again. It was all she could do, nod and nod like a mute, crying idiot.

Sheldon didn't seem to know what to do, either. He looked at Penny and said, "Can I buy you a Pinkberry on the way home?"

"Fro-yo sounds good," Penny admitted, sniffling. The doctor smiled kindly and left the room. There was nothing else to be said. There was nothing else to be done. There was no baby, after all.

* * *

An hour later, Penny sat on her couch with a cup full of frozen yogurt, coconut flavored with Cap'n Crunch topping, her knees tucked up against her chest. Sheldon was across the hall, probably getting ready for bed.

It was times like these that she hated him being so close and yet so far away. He was probably fifty feet from her, but there were two doors, a hallway, and several rooms between them - not to mention the fact that they were in different residences in the eyes of society, management, and the United States Postal Service.

Penny was halfway through her frozen yogurt when he knocked, so gently and quietly that she almost didn't hear him, even though she didn't have the TV on.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny?"

His final round of his OCD knocking routine sounded unsure and insecure.

Penny rose from the couch and walked slowly to the door. She eased it open and saw Sheldon there in his Monday pajamas, looking quite ready for bed.

"May I sleep here tonight?" he asked, his blue eyes searching Penny's desperately.

"Um… yes, of course, honey. Why do you want to do that?" Penny opened the door wider and stepped aside so he could enter, then shut the door behind him. Sheldon shuffled inside and kicked off his slippers.

"Leonard and Alex are watching a comedic film, and I don't feel much like being subjected to superfluous laughter this evening," Sheldon said.

Penny looked at him skeptically. "Really?" she said dubiously. "You sure it has nothing to do with the doctor's office?"

"Well," Sheldon admitted, "I confess that my mind is troubled by the earlier events of this evening. However, I was truly more concerned about _you_, Penny."

Penny gave him a crooked, sad little smile, but her eyes were miserable. "I'm fine, honey," she said. "I'm relieved. Aren't you relieved? I was really worried there for a minute." She forced a nervous laugh and scratched her hair, picking up her frozen yogurt and eating it so fast that she got brain freeze.

Sheldon stared at her. "Of course," he said finally, his voice robotic. "I was quite reassured by and pleased with the test results."

Penny stalked into the dark kitchen to throw away her now-empty frozen yogurt cup and plastic spoon, and took a swig of water. She proceeded into the bathroom to brush her teeth for bed and began to say to Sheldon,

"I'm just _so_ not even close to being ready for a baby, you know?" She chuckled again, a tense, high laugh that sounded peculiar and artificial.

"Of course not," Sheldon shook his head vehemently, but his eyes were downcast and he crossed his hands in front of him. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom and watched as Penny brushed her teeth. Penny glanced up into the mirror and met his eyes. Neither of them spoke for long moments as she scrubbed and buffed and swished her way to a clean mouth.

Penny hurried from the bathroom into her bedroom, Sheldon in tow, and whipped off her clothes, tossing them into her hamper. When she was naked, she nervously looked at Sheldon and joked,

"Besides, I am _not_ ready to sacrifice this figure!" She gestured down to her slim, toned body and grinned.

Sheldon did not smile. "I believe you I would find you quite beautiful in any condition," he said quietly. Penny's eyes instantly burned with tears, and she looked away, gulping. She cleared her throat and said almost inaudibly,

"Thank you, MoonPie."

She rifled through her drawer for flannel shorts and a tank top and pulled them on, not preoccupied with sex appeal tonight.

Penny climbed into bed and clicked off the lamp, feeling more than seeing as Sheldon joined her between her soft cotton sheets and under her heavy comforter.

They each lay on their sides, facing one another, and then Penny felt his palm on her cheek. She could just make out the glint of his eyes in the light from the window, and she could tell he was smiling a little.

"Goodnight, honey," Penny said, feeling more exhausted than she'd felt in quite some time.

"Goodnight, Penny." His lips pressed against hers, very gently, and then he pulled back and rolled onto his back.

Penny lay there facing him for a good ten minutes, her mind racing, before she heard,

"Penny?"

His voice was a very soft whisper, but Penny answered,

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry, Penny."

Penny pushed herself up onto her elbow. Though she knew Sheldon couldn't see her face, she gave him a confused look. "For what?" she asked.

Sheldon was silent for a moment, and then whispered, "I should never have walked out of that hospital room."

Penny sighed and lay back down. "I'm over it, Sheldon," she groaned.

"I'm not."

"I have had other things to worry about," Penny said. "Like getting back to work. Like the fact that I thought you were going to propose to me on Valentine's Day. Like the fact that I thought I was pregnant."

"Excuse me?" Now Sheldon pushed himself up to look at Penny, and he was no longer whispering.

Penny thought back to what she'd just said and bit her tongue. Oops.

"You were under the impression that I was going to proposition you into matrimony on Valentine's Day?" Sheldon asked disbelievingly.

Penny sighed again, embarrassed now. Penny began, "The little box was the right shape -"

"And what if I had?" Sheldon cut her off.

"Huh?" Penny was sure she hadn't heard him right.

"What if that _had_ been an engagement ring in that little box?" Sheldon asked. "Not, mind you, that I would be likely to participate in the purchase of an overpriced, hoarded, monopolized piece of carbon that is nothing more than a symbol of either wealth or debt. That's beside the point. If you thought it was indeed such a ring, then may I ask what your internal reaction to that suspicion was?"

"I was scared," Penny admitted.

"As you were frightened this evening when you thought you were carrying my child," Sheldon nodded in the dark. Penny could just make out his silhouette, but she saw him hang his head.

"Sheldon…" she reached up to put her hand on his cheek. "I know that I've known you for _years_, but we've only been an official thing for a few months. I'm not ready to take those steps yet. I value our relationship too much to take things like marriage and kids lightly."

"And, one day, such options as procreation and permanent legal bonding may be viable options?" Sheldon suggested with a hint of hope in his voice.

"I think so," Penny nodded. "I love you, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I love you very, very much."

Sheldon answered her by leaning down and enveloping her in a deep kiss. He smelled so _good_, Penny thought absently… the wonderful unique scent he had of men's soap and talc mingling with the mint of his kiss made for a heady, cool aroma. Penny breathed him in with each inhalation, savoring his fragrance and trying to store it in her memory so she could recall it whenever she wanted.

His tongue was expertly exploring her mouth – he was getting so good at kissing, she thought – and he was nibbling gently on her bottom lip while she admired him. She moaned a little bit into his mouth and he seemed to sense that she was getting a bit too turned on, so he put on the brakes, pulled back from her, and lay beside her.

Penny could feel his erection pressing into her thigh when he was leaning down to kiss her, but in her heart of hearts she agreed that tonight was not the night for sex. Tonight was a night to just sleep in one another's company. She secretly accepted and respected his self-control and thanked him for it in her the piece of her mind that retained a shred of willpower.

"Goodnight, Sheldon," she whispered softly into the dark quiet of the room.

"Goodnight. I love you, Penny."

* * *

**The Mensiversary Covenant**

* * *

Penny was pleasantly surprised that the next few months passed almost without incident. Things were as normal as they could be in her little group of friends, and her relationship with Sheldon settled into a comfortable pace.

The Sheldonian Calendar was reestablished as the go-to schedule for activities and dining throughout the week. Penny adhered to it with strictest devotion. This meant that she saw Sheldon nearly every day, except for when their work schedules made it impossible to cross paths.

The highlight of her week was when he walked through the door of The Cheesecake Factory every Tuesday with his friends. He always looked content. He'd had a full day of work… he'd thought up an appetite. He always appeared to be eager to see Penny, and that made her feel properly puffed up.

Sometimes he gave her little gifts for no good reason at all, and that consistently made Penny's day. A mini stuffed Care Bear here, an Airzooka Air Gun there, a nicely signed card sprinkled in… it all added up to make Penny feel wanted and appreciated. Best of all, it showed that Sheldon was _trying._ For once in his life, he was actually _trying._

He admitted that one night. They were playing Halo together. Leonard and Raj had gone to pick up food, and Sheldon was refusing to let Penny win.

"Don't give up, honey!" Penny exclaimed.

"Dammit!" Sheldon swore, a rare vice for him. He was frustrated. Penny shot him and he died, so he tossed down the controller. "I want to play with Raj. He's horrible at Halo."

"You know, Sheldon, you don't have to win at _everything_," Penny said. "Sometimes it's good that you have to try."

Sheldon looked confused. "I've never had to put effort into anything, really," he said. "If it was an activity that required exertion or caused a vexing struggle for me, I chose not to partake."

"You seem to be trying pretty hard to make me happy," Penny reminded him, and Sheldon's chiseled features softened somewhat.

"Well, of course, Penny," he said gently. "_You're_ worth the effort."

Another time, Sheldon took Penny out to dinner and she wore the earrings he'd bought her for Valentine's Day. As soon as she opened the door (once he'd finished his knocking routine), he smiled very gently at her, his blue eyes crinkling happily.

"You look very, very beautiful," he said, just like he'd promised to do.

Penny had a feeling that Sheldon would always keep his promises.

So, when his birthday approached months after Valentine's Day, Penny decided it was her turn to do something special for him. After all, he'd had a rough go of it. He'd crashed a car, had a pregnancy scare, and endured his first real Valentine's Day, and all from the male perspective.

Penny decided to plan a Birthday Extravaganza for Sheldon, with all the gang involved. There would be a paintball war, a Halo tournament, a comic book exchange, and a costume party. She started planning a month before Sheldon's birthday. One Saturday afternoon, she invited Bernadette and Amy over to help her make arrangements. They sat in front of three laptops in Penny's living room, each with a glass of wine in front of her.

"Hmm," Bernadette said thoughtfully, scanning down a web page. "What kind of cake would you like to get him for the party, Penny?"

"I've been saving up for this for a long time," Penny said. "I'm cheaping out on lots of things, but not on the cake. It needs to be special. Did you find a specialty baker?"

"Yup!" Bernadette nodded and turned her computer to face Penny with a grin. _Wonderland Custom Cakes_, said the site sprawled across the screen. A gallery of custom-designed cakes set Penny's mind racing. There were beautiful graduation cakes and wedding cakes, and then fun birthday cakes with rainbow-colored interiors and whimsical fondant exteriors. There was a cake shaped like a suitcase and one like The Beatles' Yellow Submarine. What caught Penny's eye, though, was an array of cupcakes in the corner of the screen. The cupcakes had onomatopoeias on them. "POW!" declared one cupcake with an explosion of red and yellow fondant. "ZIP!" said another. "BANG!" yelled a third.

"Perfect," breathed Penny, pointing to them. "Cupcakes."

Amy raised her eyebrows. "Cupcakes are indeed becoming a popular alternative to standard cakes for all sorts of events including children's birthday parties, graduation parties, and even weddings, owing to the ease of serving them – no cutting required – as well as cost savings."

"I like it," agreed Bernadette. "I think it's a great idea."

Penny got on the phone with the bakery and ordered enough cupcakes for every guest to have two. The guest list for the costume party was going to be relatively small. She didn't want to overwhelm Sheldon by crowding the apartment. She knew that would spoil his fun. So, she was inviting Leonard, Raj, Priya (who was, fortunately or perhaps unfortunately going to be in town that week), Howard, Bernadette, Wil Wheaton, Alex, Stuart, and Amy. Of course, adding in Sheldon and Penny, that made eleven people, and Penny thought that was more than enough to pack into Sheldon's living room.

"Well," Penny said, hanging up the phone and sighing, "That's that. The dessert is settled. I'll probably just do snacks and pretty standard beverages."

"Are you going to have much alcohol?" Amy asked.

Penny thought for a moment. "Out of respect for Sheldon, probably not," she said. "Probably just beer and wine coolers. I don't really want people being sloppy drunk at Sheldon's birthday party."

Amy and Bernadette nodded. What went unspoken between the three of them was the acknowledgement that over the last three months, Penny had seriously cut back on her own drinking, thanks in large part to Sheldon's influence. She hadn't been properly smashed in months. She'd only gotten tipsy perhaps four or five times, down from the nearly daily consumption of alcohol at which she'd arrived before Sheldon's subtle intervention. Penny hadn't had a serious problem; she hadn't been chemically dependent on alcohol, but she had perhaps been at least mildly socially dependent upon it. She had felt as though nearly every social situation required it. She'd felt like it was impossible to have any measurable amount of fun without alcohol being involved. Now she realized that remembering things made them a lot more fun than where she'd been. She was in no position to stand in judgment of others or condemn reckless drinking, but she'd now be the first to admit that she had been drinking too much. Someday, she thought, she'd be ready to thank Sheldon for that. She wasn't quite there yet – not that humbled – but perhaps someday.

"Does that sound okay, Penny?"

Penny realized she'd been staring at her computer screen blankly while Amy and Bernadette discussed decorations.

"Hmm? Sorry."

"We want to decorate in colors emblematic of The Flash," Amy said, "Since that is Sheldon's favorite superhero character. Those, of course, would be red and yellow."

"Perfect," Penny smiled. She nodded enthusiastically. "Sounds good to me. I'll put together a Spotify playlist of themes from his favorite movies to play while the party is going on."

They planned for hours, settling on details such as the design for the invitations, rules for the Halo tournament, and teams for the Paintball war (in which Priya had already said she had no interest, making the number of participants a perfectly even five a side).

Penny even ordered her gift for Sheldon. She decided on a Maxwell's Equations wall clock, which showed the equations in both derivative and integral form and had Greek letters instead of numbers around it. She thought he would find it interesting and well pondered as a gift.

Just as they were beginning to close up shop, the girls heard,

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny, Amy, and Bernadette?"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny, Amy, and Bernadette?"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Penny, Amy, and Bernadette?"

Penny waited patiently for Sheldon to finish. All three girls closed their laptops.

"It's open, Sheldon!" Penny called. Sheldon creaked the door open and poked his head inside.

"I'm very sorry to interrupt what I believe to be the planning of my birthday celebration," he said, and Penny grinned. It wasn't like the extravaganza was a surprise, but she didn't want him to know too many details. "However," Sheldon continued, "When you have approximately fifteen minutes to spare, Penny, would you mind please coming to Apartment 4A?"

"Need a quickie?" Penny joked obnoxiously, and Sheldon's eyes went as round as saucers. His face went splotchy, deep red, and he shook his head slowly, wordlessly scolding Penny as Bernadette giggled uncontrollably. Penny bit her lip, realizing she'd embarrassed Sheldon and probably made Amy very uncomfortable.

Sheldon shut the door and left.

"Aw, shit," Penny swore. "I'd better go over there. Thanks for your help, girls."

"No problem, bestie," Amy said tightly. "I believe your birthday celebration plans shall come to fruition in a most magnificent fashion."

"It's going to be great, Penny," Bernadette agreed. The girls scooted out the door after packing up their laptops, and Penny followed them out, closing her door behind her and knocking on the door of Apartment 4A. Sheldon answered a moment later, peeking out to see if Amy and Bernadette were still around.

"They're gone," Penny sighed. "I'm sorry."

Sheldon shook his head and swallowed hard. "As you so frequently say, Penny, I'm 'over it.' Please come in." He held out his hand and gestured for her to enter. A little gift bag sat on his coffee table, a cute little cobalt blue bag with bright pink tissue paper. There was a card beside it.

Penny smiled first at the gift and then at Sheldon. "It's not _my_ birthday coming up," she argued.

"No," he agreed, "but there is another special commemoration that falls upon this very day."

"Oh?" Penny asked confusedly. "What's that?" She shuffled toward the table.

"Happy Sixth Mensiversary, Penny," Sheldon said proudly. He flashed her a very satisfied, beaming smile.

"Happy… what?" Penny shook her head in bewilderment.

"A mensiversary is a commemoration of a monthly repetitive date of past significance, such as a historical event, or, in this case, the inauguration of our relationship. Since it is our Sixth Mensiversary, or our Half-Anniversary, I offer you this card and gift." He gestured down to the coffee table. Penny's eyes welled up.

"That's so stinkin' sweet," she said, grinning crookedly at him. "What do you know? A mensiversary! Who ever heard of such a thing? I didn't know to get you anything…"

"That's quite all right, Penny. No gift required." Sheldon held up his hand. "Please open the card first."

Penny did, pulling open what looked like a sappy card. She was surprised. Sheldon hated sappy cards. Still, it looked like he'd made it himself on the computer with sophisticated software. There was a quote on the front in a beautiful font. It said,

_"I shall do one thing in this life – one thing certain – and that is, love you, and long for you, and keep wanting you till I die." – Thomas Hardy, __Far From the Madding Crowd_

Penny smiled serenely to herself at choice of quote and opened the card. As so often happened with his cards, a letter fell out. Penny opened it and read,

_Dear Penny,_

_If I have not already told you, Happy Mensiversary. Upon this sixth month of our official bond, I wish to link myself to you in a declaration of monogamy and loyalty. Before you panic, allow me to assuage your qualms. No, the gift bag does not contain an engagement ring. No, I am not about to propose marriage to you._

_What the bag does contain is a so-called 'Promise Ring.' I have only partaken in this seemingly childish custom because of its long historical tradition as a testimony of obligation to a monogamous relationship._

_The Promise Ring dates back to 1576, when young men for whom the proposition of marriage was financially impossible used it as a pre-cursor to an engagement ring. They were especially popular during the romantic times of Shakespeare. Their popularity continued through the twentieth century and is currently enjoying a resurgence._

_Please allow me to reiterate that this Promise Ring is not a proposition of marriage. It is a solemn and truthful declaration of the affection I bear you as well as the loyalty I feel toward you. I will never betray you. I will never deceive you. I will strive to never hurt you and I will fight to keep you safe. I love you, Penny. When you look down at this ring, please remember that._

_Preeminent Regards,_

_Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper_

Penny swiped tears from her eyes and looked up at Sheldon from where she'd sunken onto the couch.

"You're in my spot," Sheldon said seriously, and Penny laughed out loud.

"Sorry," she said, scooting off of Sheldon's cushion. She pulled the ring box out of the blue bag and reverently cracked it open. She gasped when she saw the ring. It was rose gold, just like the pearl earrings he'd bought her, with opal and emeralds arranged into a flower design. It was absolutely lovely.

"It looks vintage," Penny breathed.

"That's because it is very nearly ninety years old," Sheldon informed her. "It was made in Paris in 1923."

Penny stared at him in wonder. She slipped the ring onto her finger. It fit perfectly.

"Good," Sheldon sighed in relief. "I measured your finger while you were sleeping."

"Not creepy at all," Penny shook her head.

"I had hoped it would fit," he said.

"Well, it does." Penny admired her hand. "Thank you, sweetie." She had no other words, so she said it again. "Thank you."

"You're not offended, are you?" Sheldon asked cautiously.

Penny narrowed her eyes. "No."

"I'm not trying to rush you," he assured her, holding up his hands defensively.

She gulped, feeling guilty about her reaction a few months earlier when she'd thought he was on the verge of proposing. He hadn't been, anyway, and she thought she'd hurt his feelings by telling him the thought terrified her so badly.

"You're not rushing me," Penny said quietly. "We've been together for six months. We've been friends for almost six years. You're not rushing anything. I'm being stupid."

"Caution and prudence are very rarely stupid, Penny." Sheldon sat in his spot and tucked Penny's stray hair behind her ear.

"In any case," she said, looking down at her ring, "This means a lot, MoonPie. And it's beautiful. It really is."

"Happy Mensiversary," Sheldon said happily, leaning forward to give Penny a kiss on her cheek.

"Happy… Mensiversary," Penny replied.

* * *

Later that night, Sheldon was out cold in Penny's bed, but she could not sleep a wink. She was trying not to toss and turn so she wouldn't keep Sheldon awake, but she was incredibly restless. What was the _matter_ with her? Why was she so damned afraid of commitment? Maybe it made sense three months ago for her to be nervous, but they'd been a solid, steadfast couple for half a year now. Sheldon had been unswerving in his dedication to Penny for months. She was in the process of planning him a massive birthday celebration because she loved him that much – so much that she'd saved every dime she could spare and hadn't bought any shoes in ages.

And, yet, when she looked down at her left hand and saw the emerald-and-opal ring there, she got butterflies in her stomach. There was something unnerving about having a tangible sign of Sheldon's commitment. Maybe she'd rather sign a Relationship Agreement. A contractual covenant, at least, didn't bear the social reputation that jewelry did.

Again… what was the _matter_ with her? She stared at Sheldon as he slept and demanded the question of herself over and over. She watched his chest rise and fall peacefully and looked dotingly at the way his short bangs swept across his forehead as he slept. He looked so serene, so content. He was happy, or so he seemed to Penny. She sighed and rolled onto her side, grazing her fingertips across his lean chest, feeling the softness of flannel beneath her skin.

"Mmph…" Sheldon stirred at her touch, rousing ever so slightly and aimlessly drifting one hand in Penny's direction. She took it, interlacing her fingers with his and drawing their linked hands to her lips. When she kissed his knuckles, the corners of Sheldon's lips turned up, but his eyes stayed closed.

"Penny," he whispered, so quietly she could barely hear him.

"Mm Hmm?" Penny touched her lips to his fingers again, her breath warming his skin.

"Penny." Sheldon rolled in his sleep toward her, his happy little smile looking positively adorable. "Don't ever leave me, please."

Penny furrowed her brow. His voice was breathy and childlike, like he was dreaming. She knew he was asleep. Still, it upset her to hear him say those words.

"I won't, honey," she promised. She felt tears inexplicably coming to her eyes, and words gushed forth that she hadn't been expecting to say. "Someday I'll be Mrs. Penny Cooper and I won't be able to help our kids with their homework past kindergarten because they'll be so damned smart like you. We'll be old together, MoonPie, just like that couple in _Up_. You'll see."

"Mmm," Sheldon sighed contentedly. His hand went slack in Penny's and he seemed to relax back into a deep slumber. Penny let his fingers go from hers and frustratedly swiped tears from her eyes. As she did, she felt the Promise Ring brush against her cheek, and she realized she was very glad it was there.

* * *

**The Pinnacle Hallucination**

* * *

_Sheldon knocked Penny up against her apartment door, moaning an apology into his eager, feverish kiss. His hands were everywhere – on her breasts, her waist, snaking between her thighs and hiking up her short sequined dress._

_Penny managed to rotate enough to unlock the door while Sheldon just about had his way with her right there in the hallway. When she turned the doorknob, they almost tumbled into her living room. Sheldon caught Penny from falling and wrapped her up in his arms, shutting the door securely behind them._

_She could barely breathe. Part of it was the enthusiasm of his kisses; he wasn't letting her come up for air. Part of it was how worked up she was. She had never been this horny before, and she wasn't even drunk. Well, maybe she was a little bit – drunk on Sheldon. She giggled into Sheldon's mouth at that._

_"What's so funny?" he asked with a crooked smile._

_"Nothing," Penny assured him, gasping for air. "Bedroom. Please."_

_Sheldon shook his head and wagged a finger. "Ah, ah, ah," he said. "Not tonight." He pointed into the dark kitchen and Penny looked into his sapphire eyes, flabbergasted._

_"The kitchen?" she asked disbelievingly. Was this not Sheldon Cooper? He would have to come in with a HazMat suit the next day to disinfect the place. Well, whatever. Maybe he would do that._

_Sheldon nodded and grinned wickedly. Penny shrugged and smiled. He guided her quickly to the countertop and hoisted her up effortlessly, spreading her knees and tugging her panties quickly down over her thighs. She helped him by kicking them off, and they fell to the ground._

_Sheldon inhaled deeply against Penny's neck, taking in her feminine aroma, as he slid a hand under the hem of her short dress. He began to kiss the delicate skin beneath her ear, his mouth growing ever more fervent, as his long fingers slid around her entrance, spreading her wetness. Penny groaned his name and desperately wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Sheldon teased and teased her, never inserting his fingers into her, and she bucked her hips against him frantically._

_He finally reached for a dishtowel and wiped his hand, and Penny thought absently that that would be the very first thing in this kitchen to get cleaned. Then Sheldon unfastened his belt from his dress pants and unsecured his fly. He released himself from his fabric confines and sprang forth, and Penny gulped, as she did every time she saw him._

_He slid into her rather carefully, pulling Penny against him with one hand gently resting on the small of her back and the other guiding himself toward her entrance. Once he was inside of her, and she had cried his name so loudly the whole building probably heard, Sheldon wrapped his arm around Penny's shoulders and drew her against his chest. She breathed in the smell of talc and soap and Old Spice and moaned deeply, feeling him more deeply inside of her than he'd been before. She could feel him throbbing, could feel his pulse in her, and she relished it._

_"Oh, Sheldon," she said again and again, burying her face in his chest and grasping fistfuls of his shirt. Her legs were wrapped tightly around his waist, and she used them to guide his rhythmic, deep thrusts. She could feel her orgasm fast approaching, the pressure building in her loins and her blood running hot in her veins. She felt her body flush warm and red and heard her panting breath hot against Sheldon's shirt._

_She gripped his shoulders and looked up into his eyes as she came. She cried his name again, but this time it ripped from her mouth like a desperate plea for help._

She felt shaking, hard, real shaking, and heard her name being said quite firmly.

"Penny! Penny?"

She jolted awake and sat bolt upright, nearly cracking heads with Sheldon as she did. He had been leaning over her, a very concerned look in his blue eyes as he roused her from her dream.

Penny sighed angrily and noticed several things. First of all, she was not having sex with Sheldon in her kitchen. Penny comprehended with some sadness how unlikely a scenario _that_ would be in real life. Secondly, it was morning. Also, she noticed as her fingers drifted from between her legs, she'd apparently been touching herself in her sleep and was soaking wet.

She felt her face go beet red and looked away from Sheldon. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"Are you quite all right?" Sheldon asked, tipping his head. His voice croaked with sleep. "You called my name like you were frightened."

Penny shook her head. "I was anything but frightened, honey," she assured him.

Sheldon took in the sheen of sweat on Penny's forehead, the flush in her cheeks, the embarrassment in her expression, and a rare look of realization crossed his blue eyes. He just gave her a reassuring little smile and nodded gently.

"I know it's early for you to rise, Penny, but I think I shall go ahead and brush my teeth and take a shower. I should like to get an early start at work today. Why don't you go back to sleep?" He pulled away a few hairs that were stuck to Penny's sweaty forehead and tucked them behind her ear. Penny nodded with some discomfiture and watched as he slowly pulled himself from bed and tied his robe around himself.

Once he'd gone to the bathroom, Penny shut her eyes tightly and gulped. After all her hemming and hawing last night, to have an impulsive orgasm while dreaming seemed like a very strange experience. She lay on her back trying to calm down for a few minutes, but only felt herself getting more anxious.

After a while, she heard the shower running, and she pulled herself from bed and followed the sound. She quietly opened the bathroom door and brushed her teeth as efficiently and effectively as she could, then stripped off her pajamas and dropped them onto the bathroom floor. She'd take flak for that, she knew.

Even with the shower running, Sheldon still had Vulcan hearing. He pulled back the shower curtain, his head full of shampoo suds, and smiled feebly at Penny. "Hello," he said, looking her up and down. "Am I to assume by your lack of clothing that you would like to join me in the shower?"

Penny just nodded, and Sheldon held back the curtain so she could step inside. He continued lathering and scrubbing his head while Penny wet her body with the blisteringly hot water Sheldon liked. He claimed it was more effective; Penny said it was more expensive.

Penny wanted to kiss him, wanted to embrace him, but she was horribly embarrassed for some reason at having had such an obnoxiously erotic dream.

"You know," Sheldon said, as if he had read her mind, "That used to happen to me all the time."

Penny raised her eyebrows. "Used to?" They switched spots so that Sheldon could rinse the shampoo out of his hair, and Penny lathered hers up. Sheldon nodded as he rinsed.

"Before I was dating you," he admitted. "I was very strongly attracted to you, and I would frequently experience nocturnal emissions as a result of unsolicited thoughts or even full-blown fantasies involving you."

Penny smiled weakly to herself. "Thanks, Sheldon, but you don't have to try to make me feel better."

"It still happens, sometimes," Sheldon continued, reaching to massage Penny's scalp. She shut her eyes and shivered as she felt his fingers move in little circles, working the shampoo into her hair and skin. "Sometimes I wake up alone in my bed, knowing that you are only a few dozen yards away. I have to fight the urge to come dashing from my apartment and battering on your door, even if it's four o'clock in the morning." Penny opened her eyes to see him shaking his head and grinning wryly. "You have a most… beguiling… effect on me, Penny. So where was it?"

"Where was what?" Penny began rinsing her hair, tipping her head back into the stream.

"The coitus in your dream."

Penny burst into laughter. "Um… the kitchen," she admitted.

"Oh. Not even remotely likely." Sheldon shook his head. "That is so revoltingly unsanitary… I'm sorry, Penny. I don't think I could consider that."

"I know," Penny sighed, grabbing for the bar of soap and rubbing it over Sheldon's torso and arms. "But it was _very_ good, honey."

"It was not real. Ergo, it _seemed _very good," he corrected.

"Whatever."

Sheldon scrubbed the soap into his skin and then lathered Penny up. Once they were both clean and the actual business of showering had been expeditiously completed, Sheldon reached for Penny's waist and turned her around so her back was to him, then pulled her back against him. Penny made a startled little noise, especially when she felt the push of his half-hard penis against the small of her back. He reached around her and fondled her breasts, flicking his long fingers gently against her hard nipples. As he did, he curled his head around her neck and met her mouth with his, giving her a firm kiss.

Penny knew he wanted to get frisky in the shower, but having sex in there was going to be downright ridiculous with their height difference, especially given the small size of Penny's shower. She shut off the water and reached for a few fluffy towels, then pulled Sheldon by his hand from the shower bath.

Sheldon toweled off his hair as they walked wordlessly to the bedroom, and then started to wrap the towel around his waist. Penny tugged it off.

"You won't be needing that," she said playfully. Sheldon grinned.

* * *

**The Residence Rearrangement**

* * *

Penny hummed as she crossed the hallway and knocked merrily on the door of Apartment 4A. She felt bulky and unwieldy, but she knew she'd have fun.

The door flew open and Sheldon stood grinning in the threshold, dressed just like Penny in full camouflage and a paintball vest. He already had his helmet on, making him look like a cross between a soldier and a BMX racer.

"Good morning!" Sheldon said cheerily. He'd waited anxiously for this day since Penny had told him a month before that she was planning him a birthday weekend. It was the day of the Great Paintball War.

When Penny had called to reserve the entire grounds, the manager of the paintball facility had asked how old the 'birthday boy' was.

"Oh," Penny had said with some shame in her voice, "Uh… thirty-three…"

No matter. Sheldon was excited, and that was all that counted in Penny's mind. And, boy, did he seem excited. He had all his gear in a duffel bag, and it seemed like he'd made some recent upgrades. His helmet looked shiny and new, and his camouflage wasn't worn out.

"You ready to go, honey?" Penny asked unnecessarily as Sheldon shut the door behind him, stepping out into the hallway. He quickly locked the door and nodded as he did.

"Indeed I am," he said happily. "Leonard is driving Alex and will meet us there."

As Penny and Sheldon walked briskly down the stairs of the building, Penny said ponderously,

"I'm so surprised – happy, I mean, but surprised – that Leonard is still with Alex. They do seem so perfect together."

Sheldon said nothing, but when Penny looked at him, his eye twitched. She knew that look. He had a secret.

"What?" she demanded. "What do you know?"

"Nothing!" Sheldon insisted. "I know nothing!"

"Tell me!" Penny commanded.

Sheldon sighed as they reached the first landing. "Oh, all right," he conceded. "However, Penny, this is strictly confidential. Leonard confided in me that he has already purchased an engagement ring for Alex."

Penny was glad she wasn't descending stairs anymore, because she was pretty sure she would have fallen if she had been. She looked around to make sure no one was present and grabbed Sheldon's shoulder, exclaiming,

"He's _proposing_ to her?"

Sheldon looked confused. "I don't understand why you sound horrified, Penny. Why do you have any interest in Leonard's love life? You two terminated your relationship seven months ago."

"She'll say no!" Penny bellowed. "He's rushing things, just like he always does! She's going to break his heart… like I did."

Sheldon swallowed heavily and sniffed indignantly. "Perhaps not everyone operates on the same timeline as you, Penny," he said as lightly as he could manage. "I'm sure Leonard has thought his actions through carefully and made all proper considerations. In any case, it is precisely none of our business. Now, may we_please_ focus on my birthday celebration?"

Penny bit her lip and nodded. "Let's go," she said, opening the door to the outside world.

* * *

It was hot that day, almost too hot to enjoy paintballing. Penny sort of prayed that the battle would be over quickly, just so she could get home and get out of the heavy, long camouflage and bulky gear. She was already drenched in sweat by the time the two teams lined up facing one another to hear the rules as presented by Sheldon.

"Good morrow to you, my friends," he said clearly, pacing between the ranks of teams like a general. "Welcome to the opening event of my Birthday Extravaganza. This paintball event will be a war of attrition, a Pyrrhic victory for the vanquishers – put simply, the last man or woman standing wins for his or her team. As for said teams, we have to my right the Red Team, featuring the paintballing talents of Dr. Leonard Hofstader, Alex Jensen, the Great and Powerful Wil Wheaton, Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski Wolowitz, and Mr. Howard Wolowitz."

The Red Team cheered for itself and gave one another high fives. "Red – Team! Red – Team!" they chanted. Sheldon quieted them with a raised hand.

"To my left," he gestured, "The Blue Team. Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, Comic Book Peddling Legend Stuart Bloom, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, the lovely and alluring Penny, and myself – Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper."

The Blue Team did the modified New Zealand hakka they had prepared. It was supposed to be an intimidating series of movements, facial contortions, and chants, as choreographed by Sheldon. It came together surprisingly well, and the Red Team stared, looking appropriately apprehensive.

"Proceed to your cover! At the sound of the air horn, let the battle… begin!" Sheldon yelled, running for cover with his paintball gun held high above his head like a complete maniac. Penny followed him and saw that her teammates were doing the same. They all hid behind a large corrugated steel wall, except for Raj, who couldn't fit and hid behind a large haystack beside them.

Beside her, Penny could hear Sheldon's breath quicken in anticipation. The air horn sounded, and she heard two quick shots.

"Alex! Leonard! Damn it!"

Raj's silent convulsions of laughter from beside them were visible only to the Blue Team. Penny peered, perplexed, around the very edge of the steel wall. It seemed that Alex had tried to make a break for it as soon as the air horn sounded and that Leonard had tried to pull her back, thus giving away his own cover. Wil Wheaton had yelled at them in frustration, but Penny couldn't see where he was. She could see Alex and Leonard dejectedly leaving the playing field.

"Amateur." Sheldon shook his head mockingly and whispered derisively, "We're not running for the Cornucopia in _The Hunger Games_, for goodness' sake."

That made it five against three.

"All right," Stuart muttered. "Pickett's Charge."

"Excuse me?" Sheldon sounded horrified.

"What's Pickett's Charge?" Penny asked confusedly.

Sheldon looked at her condescendingly. In the distance, they heard Wil Wheaton yell, "Come out, come out, Blue Team!"

"Wheaton!" Sheldon said through his teeth, then, to Penny, "Pickett's Charge was a notoriously disastrous maneuver attempted by the Confederates during the Battle of Gettysburg. It involved a charge across an open field against better-protected Union forces. It can be effectively argued that Pickett's Charge lost the Confederates the Battle of Gettysburg and, vicariously, the Civil War itself. The Union artillery essentially mowed down charging Confederate troops. That's what would happen here."

"Huh. Sounds like a great plan, Stuart." Penny nodded sarcastically.

"Wait! Listen!" Amy pleaded. "Three of us will charge. Hopefully we will take out at least one of them before they get all three of us. Then each of the remaining two will be responsible for one Red Team member. We can win this. Let's go. Stuart, Raj?"

Sheldon thought about the tactic for a moment, then nodded reluctantly. Stuart, Amy, and Raj readied their weapons and crouched into squatting positions.

"Chaaaaaaarge!" Amy cried, and with a Rebel Yell, the three Blue Team members went running across the field with paintball guns popping. It was chaos.

"Agh!" cried Stuart as round after round of paint hit him square in the chest.

"Damn it!" Penny heard Howard yell from enemy lines, and she thanked the Great I Am that one of the Blue Team members had gotten him before he'd shot them.

Raj was taken down, and so was Amy, before any more Red Team members could be eliminated. Thus, it was down to Bernadette and Wil Wheaton on the Red Team side and Penny and Sheldon on the Blue Team side. Penny gestured to Sheldon to stay perfectly silent and still. She moved like a cat to point just the tip of the barrel of her paintball gun next to the corrugated steel wall, peeking one eye out to aim. She'd have to shoot one-handed. She'd have to snipe like she'd never sniped before.

She'd have to go all Nebraska on them.

Clearly Bernadette did not see her emerge from beside the wall. She, too, was beside cover, peeking out, but she had more of herself revealed than Penny did and Penny could see Bernadette enough to aim a shot at her. Praying that Bernadette stayed still for a moment, Penny stilled her breath and shut her left eye, squeezing the trigger. She watched as a large blue splotch appeared almost instantly on Bernadette's right shoulder, right where Penny had aimed.

Penny snuck back behind the wall before she could give away her position. She wanted it to seem like her shot had come out of nowhere.

"Oof!" Bernadette cried. "I'm out, Wil!"

"Yessssss…" Sheldon hissed from beside Penny.

"Now it's just me, Sheldon!" Wil yelled from wherever he was.

That wasn't smart. Penny couldn't tell where he was yelling from, but Wil forgot about Sheldon's Vulcan hearing. That meant that Sheldon could point to precisely where Wil was hiding. He aimed his rifle there beside the wall and waited for Wil to emerge.

Penny wanted to let Sheldon take the winning shot, but she covered him from the right nonetheless. She watched for Wil, knowing that Sheldon was showing too much of himself. When Wil appeared from behind a barricade, about to take a quick shot at Sheldon, Penny acted quickly. She shot Wil square in the chest.

And so the war was won.

Penny wasn't sure how she expected Sheldon to react to the fact that Penny 'stole' the last shot from him, but she was glad when he leaped into the air and whooped,

"Blue Team wins! We have emerged the victors!"

Penny thought that was rather humorous seeing as how Sheldon hadn't shot anybody the whole game, but… it was _his_ birthday celebration, so she gave him a tight hug and flashed him a wide grin as the rest of the Blue Team came pouring out onto the playing field to celebrate.

* * *

The Halo Tournament the next day was as big a success as the Paintball War. It turned out Priya didn't have much interest in Halo, either, but she sat in the room and watched people play, offering unsolicited commentary on the graphic nature of the game. Nobody let her spoil the fun, though. Alex was no good at Halo and so instead cheered Leonard on, as did Bernadette. The brackets for the quarterfinals were randomly selected. Penny faced Stuart and beat him soundly. Raj faced Amy, which was amusing because he hadn't had anything to drink and thus played in silence. Perhaps it helped him focus, because he won despite his notorious incompetence with the game. Sheldon played Howard, and Howard may or may not have let Sheldon win. Wil Wheaton played Leonard, who defeated the former Star Trek star. Wil was surprisingly gracious in defeat.

For the semifinals, Penny played Raj and beat him into the ground. Sheldon played Leonard and, to no one's surprise, was the victor. Nobody was too surprised, then, that the Finals involved Sheldon and Penny being the last two standing again. If anyone thought it was cheesy or predictable, no one said so, and they were all good sports about watching. The girls mostly cheered on Penny and the boys cheered on… Penny. Sheldon didn't seem to notice that, despite it being his birthday, his support was limited to the person who depended on him for a paycheck and his roommate.

Penny let Sheldon win at Halo. It was the only thing she could do. Sheldon wasn't the kind of guy to win gracefully, but he lost even worse. Besides, it was his birthday, and she didn't want to sour his mood. Indeed, his mood seemed better than ever after his victory.

The following evening was the costume party, so the girls spent the day getting Leonard and Sheldon's apartment decorated. Alex had promised to help, but Leonard said he was taking her to lunch. Sheldon gave Penny a look that said too much, and Penny just nodded with a tight smile.

"We'll be fine. Have fun!" she said too chirpily.

Soon, the apartment was decked out in red and yellow streamers, balloons, and other classic party décor. The cupcakes were delivered, and Sheldon said "ooh" and "ahh" over them for a half hour before Penny told him to scram.

She got the Spotify playlist ready to go. The music for the party included themes from _Star Wars_, superhero movies, _The Lord of the Rings_, and other films that Sheldon enjoyed. Penny had purchased Electronic Catch Phrase to play as a party game, and they always had Pictionary to fall back upon. She had wine coolers and two types of beer, with plenty of soda (caffeinated and non), juice, and milk. Snacks included fruit and cheese trays with gourmet crackers, baked appetizers, and a Spinach Dip Bread Bowl she'd brought from work. Sheldon said he appreciated the effort with that one, but that he wouldn't touch it in case someone double-dipped. Penny promised she understood.

Penny knew that this crowd would arrive precisely at the time on the invitations, which was seven o'clock. Sure enough, right at seven, the knocks on the door started, and all eleven guests were in the room by ten after seven. There was a table for gifts, and Penny had promised Sheldon that he could open gifts and blow out the candle on his cupcake right at the beginning of the party.

"May I have everyone's attention?" she called, turning down the volume of the music. Side conversations lulled, and Sheldon's friends turned to look at Penny. Penny took a moment to realize how lucky she and Sheldon were to have such a tightly knit group of friendly associates. Smiling brightly, Penny said, "I promised Sheldon he could open his gifts. Is that all right?"

Everyone knew Sheldon well enough to nod. They all started gathering around the gift table, but Sheldon held up his hand.

"First," he said, "I'd like to present my costume awards. The award for Most Disgusting Costume goes to Amy Farrah Fowler, who has come dressed as a neurological surgery patient." He gestured to Amy and her hat with its fabric 'exposed brain.' She wore a hospital gown over pajamas. Amy took a bow as the other guests applauded.

"Next," Sheldon said, "is the award for Most Accurate Costume. That goes to Dr. Leonard Hoftstader, who is dressed as Moon Knight, an obscure but beloved DC superhero." He presented the ribbon to Leonard. "The award for Most Questioningly Responsible Costume goes to Penny, who has come very scantily clad as Princess Leia in the metal slave bra."

Penny strutted forward. She was indeed wearing her hair in a long rope braid like Leia in that scene, and on a high-quality replica of the metal slave bra in dark gold (which was freezing on her skin) and a burgundy silk skirt. She even had the velvet boots and the collar around her neck with a heavy chain dangling from it. She'd had the costume specially made for the party. She was, frankly, not surprised that Sheldon doubted the responsibility of wearing the costume, but she'd worked hard for her abs and was proud to show them off. The men in the room all clapped enthusiastically for Penny, but the girls were far less animated.

Sheldon himself was dressed as Legolas from _The Lord of the Rings_, complete with long blond wig, wooden bow, dark green tunic, cape, trousers, and black leather boots. Penny thought he looked pretty damned sexy.

At last it was time for presents. Sheldon received all kinds of things about which he was appreciative and excited. He got a few graphic tees, a build-your-own trebuchet kit, an Albert Einstein 'action' figure, and a USB-powered plasma ball. Then Sheldon opened Penny's clock and grinned widely at her. He seemed as happy as a Slinky on an escalator. They all sang "Happy Birthday" to Sheldon while he blew out his candle, but he refused to make a wish, claiming to be 'hokum.' Then they all feasted on the delicious red velvet cupcakes.

Penny thought the party was a delightful success. After they played party games for a while, people chatted for a bit and slowly filtered out. Sheldon didn't even complain about what time it was because he seemed to be genuinely enjoying himself.

Then Leonard had to go and spoil everything.

Leonard and Alex had disappeared to Leonard's room for twenty minutes right at the end of the party. Everyone left had joked about it, saying they were off getting their freak on. But when they came back, Alex approached Penny and Leonard walked over to Sheldon, and Penny's heart sank. What was going on?

"Hi," Alex said cautiously.

"Hi, Alex," Penny replied. "Enjoying the party?"

"Yeah!" Alex smiled nervously. "It seems like he's having a really good time." She gestured to Sheldon and nodded.

"I hope so. I just want to make him happy." Penny watched as Leonard guided Sheldon into a chair. They appeared to be having a serious conversation, and Sheldon's smile had faded. Penny couldn't hear what Leonard was saying because the music was blaring the Theme from Mordor. "What are they talking about?" Penny asked Alex anxiously.

Alex took a shaking breath and bit her lip, meeting Penny's eyes. "Leonard asked me to marry him today at lunch."

Penny glanced down at Alex's left hand. There was no ring there. Alex noticed where Penny's eyes went.

"I told him that I'm not quite ready yet, but that I'd like to try living together and take our relationship to the next level and I think I'll be there soon." Alex looked indomitable.

Penny's mouth formed a surprised little 'o' and she raised her eyebrows. "You're going to make Sheldon move out?" she asked in disbelief. Penny was pretty sure Sheldon would not like three adults permanently living in a two-bedroom apartment.

"No." Alex shook her head vehemently. "Leonard is going to move in with me. Sheldon will either get another roommate or… you can take Leonard's part of the lease. It's actually cheaper than what you pay now for your own one-bedroom…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Penny held her hands up and took a step back. She said it a bit too loudly; from across the room, Sheldon's concerned eyes flicked up and saw her reaction. Considering the fact that they were probably having very similar conversations, Penny thought Sheldon knew why she reacted that way. He looked mildly hurt. Penny lowered her voice and stepped closer to Alex. "I don't think I'm ready to live with Sheldon."

"Well," Alex shrugged, "he can always get a new roommate."

Penny furrowed her brow. Leonard had lived with Sheldon for nearly a decade. How was Sheldon supposed to adjust to living with a random new person? She sighed.

"Okay," she said. "I'll have this conversation with him once everyone's gone home." Alex nodded sadly and started to walk away.

"Oh, and, Alex?" Penny said sharply. Alex turned swiftly over her shoulder. "Tell Leonard I said, 'Thanks for ruining Sheldon's birthday,'" Penny snapped.

* * *

Penny assured all the oblivious guests that she could clean up the mess herself, and soon no one was left in the apartment but Sheldon, Penny, Leonard, and Alex. They all looked rather ridiculous, standing there angrily in their costumes.

"Do you want to talk about this?" Leonard asked cautiously.

"I'm really sorry for the timing. This was stupid," Alex lamented.

Sheldon just looked like a kicked puppy.

"There's really nothing left to say. I need to speak to Sheldon alone, and I have a big mess to clean up. Do you mind please spending the night at your new residence?" Penny asked testily, putting her hands on her metal-clad hips. Leonard looked hurt, but nodded, and guided Alex out the door. Right before he shut it, he turned back and said to Sheldon,

"Happy birthday, buddy."

"Thank you," Sheldon murmured. Then they were gone.

Penny wordlessly took a large trash bag around the room and started throwing away debris. Sheldon grabbed a trash bag as well and tried to help, but Penny waved him away.

"Go play with your presents, honey," she insisted, as if he had just turned eight and not thirty-three.

Sheldon pursed his lips and looked like he wanted to say something, but instead made three trips from the living room to his bedroom for all of his goodies. He watched Penny haphazardly cleaning up the party's untidy remains and said,

"May I please offer my assistance, Penny? I very much appreciate you organizing my Birthday Extravaganza. It was… wonderful, truly." He sighed heavily.

She looked at him with sad eyes. He'd taken off the blond wig but still wore the rest of the Legolas costume. Without the wig, he sort of looked like Robin Hood.

"I'll be done very soon," she promised. "You go ahead and get ready for bed."

"All right," Sheldon agreed hesitantly.

Penny was done cleaning by the time Sheldon had finished his nightly routine and was into his Saturday pajamas and robe. He came padding out into the living room again and said,

"Please come to bed, Penny. I'll finish cleaning in the morning."

"I think I'll sleep at my place tonight, honey," Penny said tightly, adjusting the uncomfortable metal bra.

Sheldon looked wounded. "But it's my birthday," he protested softly.

"I don't live here, Sheldon!" Penny insisted firmly, dropping the bag of garbage forcefully onto the kitchen floor.

Sheldon stayed calm and took another few steps into the room.

"May we perhaps discuss that arrangement?" he posited cautiously.

Penny sighed and shook her head. She shut her eyes. She was getting a headache. "Not tonight."

"Then I am to go to bed alone on my birthday having received the news that my best friend and roommate of nearly ten years is moving out very soon and that I must find a new person with whom to share my living space?" Sheldon asked, his voice shaking a bit. His eye twitched. Penny hadn't realized he was angry.

She licked her lips. "What do you want from me, Sheldon?" she asked straightforwardly.

"Move in with me, please," Sheldon said simply. "I will invest in a larger bed and we can share a bedroom. Leonard's bedroom can be a spare. We'll have more space, and you'll pay less in rent than you pay now."

"Yes, Alex informed me of that," Penny said snidely, a little injured that everyone was so worried about her damned rent payment. "Sheldon, I don't think you want me living here. I'm much messier than Leonard. I have girly things."

Sheldon walked up to Penny and put a hand on each of her bare shoulders. He leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Of _course_ I want you living here," he said, "because that way I can see you every morning. I will never wonder if your sleep is troubled. I can tell you I love you and kiss you goodnight. Of _course_ I want you here."

Penny looked up into his blue eyes and knew he was telling the truth.

"Okay," she whispered. "I'll come to bed soon."

* * *

**The Relocation Modification**

* * *

"Honey, where would you like all of this?" Penny held up a large box full of kitchen utensils to which she was not particularly attached. "Or won't I be needing them?" she asked.

"Well," Sheldon began, walking with an air of authority from the bedroom hallway into the living space, "Clearly those would be distributed throughout the kitchen if we needed them. However, since almost everything in the kitchen belongs to me and Leonard took very little with him, I advise that you need only keep those kitchen items to which you have an exceptionally strong correlation. The others may be donated to charity or put in the trash; I bear no preference one way or the other."

He continued wiping down the plastic doll he had in his hands with a Clorox wipe. It was like he thought everything coming from Penny's apartment had the Plague on it or had previously been in a preschool. Everything needed thorough and complete disinfecting and cleansing before the items could dare be mixed with his own belongings, lest there be contamination. Penny tried not to take personal offense to the action and instead chalked it up to his germaphobia.

"Okay." Penny picked through the open cardboard box and took out her favorite little kitchen gadgets that she wanted to keep, putting them on the counter top. She kept a citrus zester, a French coffee press, a pink Tovolo silicone spoon, and a cute cake pop mold. They were things she rarely used but that she doubted Sheldon owned. Everything else could go, she thought, so Penny put the box with the rest of the growing pile of items to be donated in the living room.

Sheldon and Penny had invested in several large items for their 'new' home together. Leonard had taken the leather couch, which had provisionally devastated Sheldon as it had temporarily removed 'his' spot from the room. He'd gotten over it when Penny had picked out a fancy couch they'd dubbed "The Swiss Army Couch."

Both sides reclined, and the middle unfolded into a table with cup holders and a flat surface. On that flat surface were two buttons, one for each side, which triggered electric massage. Inside the top of the couch were reading lights. Sheldon thought the so-called Swiss Army Couch was just about the greatest piece of furniture he'd ever seen.

They also bought a new bed. They could only fit a queen inside Sheldon's room. Penny suggested moving into Leonard's room, where they might be able to squeeze a king.

"Penny," Sheldon shook his head, "The larger the bed, the farther I am from you at night. I only need a bed large enough to comfortably fit both of our relatively slim bodies. Then I will be sleeping quite near you, and that will make me very happy indeed."

Well. That settled that.

So, a queen it was, and they got a nice modern dark wood frame for it. When they were picking out bedding, Sheldon said,

"I'd like to request a comforter with a sufficient 'pouf' factor. I understand that it does little to contribute to warmth, but it comforts me."

Penny nodded in understanding. "Pouf. Got it."

"I would also like to request that the comforter and sheets not contain any pink or purple or patterns deemed overtly feminine. Also, anything terribly busy might disturb my slumber."

"Sheldon, why don't you just pick out the comforter?" Penny said with understanding. "It matters a lot more to you than it does to me. Please, get whatever you'd like."

So Sheldon settled on a blue and gold plaid comforter. It was insanely poufy. The sheets were dark blue with a gold border around the edge. Penny thought they were extremely manly and not at all pretty, but she just smiled and said,

"Very nice choice, sweetie."

The whole process of Penny moving in seemed to bring them closer together. The first few nights in Sheldon's apartment, Penny cried. She cried because there was a strange couple across the hall in her old apartment, and even if she'd wanted to go over there, she couldn't because she didn't live there anymore. She didn't have a key, and, anyway, they'd changed the locks.

It was very strange, coming to the top of the fourth landing and _never_ turning right to go to Apartment 4B. It was weird seeing the new couple's obnoxious little Welcome mat out in the hallway, reminding Penny that someone else lived there now.

Welcome, indeed. More like, 'Go Away. You don't live here.'

Sheldon was surprisingly understanding about Penny's melancholy and bittersweet emotions.

"When I first moved to California," he said one night, "I couldn't stop thinking about Texas. As much as I complain about Texas, you see, there's a lot to love, too. The food in Texas is absolutely delicious. There's southern food, Tex-Mex, barbecue… it's all delectable. I missed the humid, heavy air. I missed the country music. I even missed people's accents. I adored Pasadena, but it wasn't the same. I imagine that's a bit how you're feeling now – you're happy, but it's not the same."

They were sitting propped up by pillows in bed, Sheldon in his pajamas and Penny in a tank top and shorts. Penny sniffled as her tears subsided and nodded. Sheldon tucked her a few stray hairs behind her ears and smiled gently at her. They'd just come to bed, Penny having cried through brushing her teeth and braiding her hair. Sheldon leaned over and placed a mild kiss on Penny's forehead, pressing his palm to her cheek.

"How can I comfort you?" he asked in a whisper. "How can I make you happy?"

Penny swallowed and blinked at him, inching herself closer to him. She wordlessly reached her fingers toward the waistband of his pajama pants, her green eyes giving him a questioning look, asking for permission.

Sheldon let her hands wander there, his other palm pressing against Penny's face so he was cupping her cheeks gently. He pushed his lips against hers and kissed her, very delicately at first but with a growing sense of urgency as Penny's deft little fingers slid under his waistband.

Her hands skimmed along his sensitive waist and then slipped below, through the thatch of curls until they reached the hardening shaft waiting for her. She wrapped her fingers around it one at a time and Sheldon moaned softly into her mouth.

"Sheldon," she whispered desperately, breaking away from his kiss, "it's been so long…"

Indeed it had. Penny had just gotten over her period, and the week before that had been chaos as The Boys had been helping Penny pack and move all of her belongings into Sheldon's apartment. She and Sheldon had had no time for sex in weeks.

Sheldon sighed and nodded, pulling Penny into his arms by snaking his hands around her shoulders. He buried his face in her neck and began kissing her there, and Penny moaned loudly. Suddenly Sheldon chuckled into the soft skin of Penny's neck, and she said curiously,

"What? What's so funny?"

"I very nearly just asked you to stifle your moans so as not to disturb Leonard, who is very clearly no longer in residence within this domicile," Sheldon murmured, his long fingertips deftly tracing along Penny's collarbone and making her shiver. Penny smiled a little and kissed the top of Sheldon's head, raking her fingernails through his hair.

"No, MoonPie, it's just us," she said. She could feel heat spreading through her body as Sheldon continued kissing her neck – delightful warmth that seemed to flow in her veins and filter through every cell. She heard a little "ungh" escape her own mouth as her head tipped back in the sweet agony of arousal.

One of Sheldon's hands twisted into Penny's blonde locks; the other snaked below and found its way into her shorts. He began to palm her entrance and twitch the pads of his fingers against her clit teasingly. Penny entangled her hands in Sheldon's hair and gripped tightly, growling his name through her teeth.

"Touch me," she beseeched him.

"Ask me nicely," Sheldon told her, coming up from her neck with swollen lips and a glazed look in his blue eyes.

"Mm… Sheldon, _please_ touch me," Penny begged, frustration evident in her voice. Sheldon grinned and put three of his long fingers, one at a time, inside of Penny. This left the base of his palm available to grind against the outside of her entrance, driving her absolutely wild from the stimulation. She whispered his name over and again, her voice at once frantic and distant.

Penny felt like she was climbing a mountain with a cliff at the top. He was building her up, getting her ready, priming her for the eruption they both knew was forthcoming. He had a wicked little grin on his face as he touched her, and his breath was quick and eager, like he was as turned on by watching her pant and moan as she was by being touched. Penny thought perhaps he was.

She felt her body quivering and stiffening as she grew closer to her release. She was very near the point of no return, the point at which she'd reached the pinnacle of her arousal and would finish no matter what Sheldon did. After another moment, Penny knew she'd tipped past that point of no return and said Sheldon's name again, more loudly this time. Then she felt herself convulsing hard, spasming rhythmically around Sheldon's inserted fingers. A loud moan ripped from her mouth and a few stray tears squeezed from her eyes as she thrashed against the pillows.

Sheldon's breath hitched as he felt her walls clenching around his fingers, saw her skin flush red and get sheened with sweat, and heard her voice chanting his name like a mantra.

At last, when Penny had come down from her high enough to let go of Sheldon, he extracted his fingers from her and used tissues from beside the bed to wipe them off.

"I believe that it's high time clothes came off," Sheldon noted imperiously.

"Is that your way of saying it's your turn?" Penny smiled, still panting a bit. She winked at Sheldon, who didn't seem to catch on.

"Oh. I suppose I don't need a 'turn,' Penny. It's really all right, seeing as I was merely seeking to provide you with comfort -"

"Oh, for goodness' sake, Sheldon!" Penny exclaimed exasperatedly. "Bazinga, okay? Take off your pajamas!"

Within moments they were both nude, sitting atop the overly poufy plaid comforter.

"How do you want me?" Penny asked, trying to both sound and look seductive.

Sheldon looked a little confused. "That sounds rather like I'm ordering eggs," he said. "Since I do not take my Penny sunny side up, I'm not entirely certain how to respond to that question."

Penny rolled her eyes. "In what position would you like to have sex?" she asked formally. A look of realization crossed Sheldon's face, and his mouth formed a little 'o' of understanding. Nodding, he seized Penny by the waist and arranged her so that she was on her hands and knees.

"I should like to take you thusly," he pronounced, kneeling up behind her, and Penny nodded. She was slightly afraid that the rear-entry position would mean too deep of penetration, though, so she said,

"Try not to drill me into oblivion."

Sheldon had nothing to say to that, but his hands were trembling on Penny's hips when they took hold. Penny shut her eyes and was glad that she was so wet from Sheldon's manual treatment, so that she was ready for him.

She squealed as he entered her, sliding in one inch at a time until his tip bumped her cervix and he could push no more. Then, slowly pulling back out, Sheldon hissed anxiously.

"You're right," he said tightly, "it's been far too long."

He started thrusting very slowly and carefully, being cautious not to pound the daylights out of Penny. He held her hips steady and brought them toward his own pelvis, meeting himself about halfway so that he was at once pulling her toward himself and pushing himself into her. It was as if they were pieces of a puzzle coming perfectly together.

Penny's eyes, clamped shut against the magnificent sensations she was experiencing, squeezed out another tear as she realized how madly enamored she was with the man making love to her at this very moment. What a silly little girl she was, she thought angrily, to be sad and anxious about living with this man who loved her to the end of the world and back.

"Oh, _Lord_, Penny!" Sheldon started thrusting a bit faster and with more vigor, more force, as he got more worked up. Penny could feel his hips slapping gently against her buttocks with every push. Then, she felt it. Penny felt something she'd never expect out of Sheldon Cooper: a spank.

It was gentle and light, but it was there, a little spank on her buttocks as Sheldon thrust, and there was an accompanying groan of pleasure as Sheldon whacked Penny's backside lightly again.

"Harder, please, Dr. Cooper!" Penny begged, feeling him slip and slide in and out of her quickly and deeply. He paused for an infinitesimal moment as Penny implored him to whack her harder, so Penny said again, "Please spank me harder, Dr. Cooper," in a childlike voice.

Sheldon growled happily and resumed thrusting. Penny felt a delightful _crack!_ against the right cheek of her backside as Sheldon let her have it. She heard his gasp of pleasure and his ragged, desperate breathing. "Penny," he moaned in a fraught voice, "Penny…"

"Harder than that, please. _Please_, Dr. Cooper. I need a spanking." He spanked her three times then, much harder, and then quickly rubbed the area he'd just thumped with a soothing hand. Then Penny heard Sheldon groan her name very loudly, more loudly than she'd ever heard him do, and felt him thrust hard and fast into her about ten times before he collapsed beside her and she felt warm liquid leaking from her body.

Penny sighed happily and said, "Thank you, Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon lay on his back beside the kneeling Penny, his eyes squeezed shut as he recovered. He smiled happily and nodded and said, "Any time."

* * *

"I'll sign one, Sheldon. I don't have a problem. Really."

Penny unloaded dishes and carefully put them exactly where Sheldon had labels designating spots. She was glad he was so organized. It was making her life significantly easier as she attempted not to be so messy.

"No, thank you, Penny. I'm certain that having a Relationship Agreement is not necessary for us as we have functioned perfectly successful for nearly eight months without one, and a Roommate Agreement is irrelevant as we are not roommates but a Cohabitating Romantic Couple."

Sheldon carefully placed cutlery in its designated spots in the drawer as he helped with the dishwasher. As soon as it was emptied, they began placing dirty dishes from the sink into the machine.

"Well, what about a Cohabitating Romantic Couple Agreement?" Penny asked. "I want you to be confident that I'm going to follow all of your rules, Sheldon."

Sheldon paused as he placed a dirty plate into the dishwasher and rose, looking at Penny's green eyes with his piercing blue ones.

"You and I are not to have a relationship where I make all the rules, Penny," Sheldon said. "Perhaps the rest of my life can function that way, but not with you. I don't want it that way with you. I just want to live with you."

Penny smiled gently and shook her head, putting a few bowls in the dishwasher. "You say that now," she said, "but I think you might say differently when you've had a few months of my clutter and obnoxious nights."

"I love you just the way you are," Sheldon insisted, using a rare cliché. "I will gladly help you clean up your clutter, and your obnoxious nights will hopefully lead to peaceful mornings."

Penny grinned self-consciously. "Okay, honey. I just thought I'd offer."

"The very fact that you proactively offered to sign an agreement rather than waiting for me to bring you one, or agreeing to sign one ex post facto of an argument, demonstrates your understanding and is one of the reasons I love you as much as I do," Sheldon informed Penny.

Sheldon's phone started ringing from the countertop. He looked to see who was calling and sighed.

"Excuse me, please," he told Penny. "It's my mother. I will help you with the kitchen in a few minutes. Please take a break." He swiped his screen and said into the phone, "Hello!"

He started to walk out of the kitchen with the phone, heading into the bedroom. Penny wondered why he wanted privacy, and after she heard the bedroom door close, she padded quietly down the bedroom hall and into the spare bedroom (Leonard's old room) and sat at her desk where she sometimes used her laptop.

She pulled up her email and Facebook so that if for some reason Sheldon came barging into the room, she could pretend she was in here for that purpose. Instead, she listened carefully through the wall as Sheldon talked to his mother on the phone. She could just barely make out what he was saying.

"If you're coming to visit, there is something I need to explain to you before you arrive," she heard him say. There was a long silence, then, "No, I have not. What I need to explain is that I have a new roommate. Leonard has moved in with his girlfriend -"

Another pause, then Sheldon said anxiously and much more loudly, "He's a grown man, Mother! He can decide for himself if he wishes to live with his partner! Not every person on the planet subscribes to your religion or its mores. You do realize this?"

There was another long pause, then, with surprising calm, "My new roommate is Penny." Pause. "Yes. The very same Penny I have been dating for eight months. No, we are not married. Are we going to be married? You'll have to ask her that question. She seems to be setting the timeline much more effectively than me. I gave her a promise ring. Does that count for nothing in this society?"

He lowered his voice then, and he sounded rather upset. Penny couldn't make out what he was saying any more. She contemplating scurrying out to the kitchen, but with his Vulcan hearing, she thought Sheldon would know she'd been sitting in the spare bedroom and would suspect she'd been eavesdropping.

Not that that would have been an unfounded suspicion.

A few minutes later, Sheldon emerged from the bedroom, no longer on the phone. He stood in the doorway of the spare bedroom and leaned against the threshold, looking anxious. Penny stared back at him, wide-eyed, from her desk.

"What's up?" she asked innocently.

"Well," Sheldon sighed, "I suppose we have some preparations to make. My mother will be here to visit in precisely forty-eight hours."

* * *

**The Troth Truth**

* * *

"Let me help you with that, please. We don't want any injured backs." Sheldon lifted Mary Cooper's suitcases into Penny's trunk as Penny waited in the driver's seat at the airport. He opened the back door of the car and gestured for his mother to slide across the back seat, and followed her into the car.

"Hello, Penny," Mary Cooper said, her voice sounding mildly strained. Penny decided to be as bubbly as soap.

"Hi, Mrs. Cooper! How was your flight?" She grinned into the rear-view mirror and then back to the road as she pulled away from the curb. She reached down to take a sip of her Big Gulp.

"It was fine," Mary said begrudgingly. "So, when did you and my son decide to start living in sin?"

Penny choked on her Big Gulp and had to slam on the brakes. "Mother!" Sheldon exclaimed. He sighed angrily. Mary gave no reaction.

After Penny composed herself enough to put her Big Gulp back in the cup holder, she flicked her eyes to the rear-view mirror again, this time not grinning.

"I understand that religion is very important to you, Mrs. Cooper, but Sheldon and I do not hold to the rule of 'no cohabitation before marriage,'" Penny said firmly. That was what she and Sheldon had decided would be 'the line.'

"So I suppose you don't hold to the Lord's commandment against fornication, either?" Mary pressed, clearly irritated. Penny and Sheldon had expected this conversation – perhaps not the second they picked Mary up, but they'd expected to have it nonetheless.

"What happens in our bedroom is none of your business, Mother," Sheldon said, looking to Penny for assurance that he was saying the right thing.

"'Our' bedroom?" Mary repeated in horror. "You're sharing a bedroom?"

Sheldon nodded. "Of course we are. We have been romantic associates for eight months and Penny has become my domestic partner. We share a bed. All I can say, mother, is this: 'Get over it.'"

Mary shut her eyes and rubbed her head as if she had a horrible headache. Penny just kept driving determinedly, feeling like the small car was too confined a space for this awkward conversation.

After a few minutes of silence, Penny switched on her stereo. Her phone was plugged into the auxiliary hookup and was making its way through her Wes Anderson Movie Soundtrack playlist. "Needle in the Hay" started coming wistfully through the speakers, filling the little red car's uncomfortable silence. When the song was done and "Stephanie Says" started, Mary spoke again.

"Well, if this had to happen, Shelly, I'm glad it's with Penny."

Penny felt the corners of her lips turn up a bit at that. _Baby steps_, she thought.

"Penny gets you, but she's still normal," Mary Cooper continued, as Sheldon gazed out the window and chewed his fingernail nervously. Mary pulled his hand out of his mouth. "Don't bite your nails, Shelly," she insisted. Sheldon flicked his blue eyes to his mother and nodded.

"You're right," he said quietly, and Penny listened carefully from the front seat. "Penny understands my quirks and idiosyncrasies but functions very well in social situations. We are something of a yin and yang partnership."

"I won't pretend to know what that means," Mary admitted, "but I'll say that opposites attract, sometimes pretty darned well, like magnets."

Sheldon rolled his eyes at her simplification and said, "That's right, Mother."

There was another lull in the conversation, and then Penny cleared her throat as "The Fairest of the Seasons" by Nico started on the stereo.

"I'm very glad you came to visit, Mrs. Cooper," Penny said cautiously.

"I came to see just what's going on," Mary said. "I still can't believe Leonard moved out after almost ten years of livin' with ya."

"Well, I suppose that's just it, isn't it?" Sheldon said. "It's been nearly ten years. Our time as roommates had come. Leonard is old enough to begin considering settling down – marriage and procreation."

"In that order!" Mary stressed, holding up a warning hand.

"Of course, Mother," Sheldon nodded in exasperation.

"If he's old enough to do that, I guess you are, too, aren't you, Shelly?" Mary asked.

Oh, boy… Just when Penny thought the conversation couldn't get any more awkward and uncomfortable. She just _had_ to go there. She had to mention marriage.

"Penny and I are not ready to be wed," Sheldon said firmly. "Nor are we prepared to procreate."

"Why not?" Mary pushed. "You got the extra bedroom, don'tcha? Houses are so darn expensive in Southern California. If you wait until you can afford a house, you may never have a baby!"

"Our alacrity bears very little correlation to our housing situation," Sheldon insisted. Mary looked confused.

"Little words, Shelly," she said.

"We're just not there yet," Penny clarified gently. "We've only been together for eight months."

"Known each other for darn near seven years," Mary shook her head. "Eight months of datin'… Darn it, Shelly, I want grandkids before I'm too old to play with 'em."

"Mother! Please. Let's discuss something else." Sheldon sighed in frustration.

It seemed like an eternity before they reached Apartment 4A on North Los Robles, but they got there eventually. Mary oohed and ahhed at the Swiss Army Couch and at the large new bed, with which she pretended not to be acutely uncomfortable. It was nearly Sheldon's bed time by the time they got Mary's belongings all settled into the second bedroom.

While Mary was in the shower, Sheldon and Penny changed into pajamas in their bedroom. As Penny stripped off her shirt, she sighed and whispered,

"I was expecting an awkward conversation, Sheldon, but _that_ was God-Awful."

Sheldon nodded. "I agree with that assessment," he admitted, "though, particularly in the case of a conversation with my mother, I dislike bringing a deity into the mix."

Penny gave him a look and pulled on her most modest flannel pajamas. She knew she'd be hot tonight under the poufy plaid comforter, but she wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible with Mary around.

A few minutes later, Sheldon escorted his mother back to the second bedroom, and Penny heard Mary call,

"Goodnight, Penny, honey! Sleep well."

"Goodnight, ma'am!" Penny called, going back to her rural roots. She heard a few murmurs between Sheldon and his mother, then Sheldon's shuffling footsteps as he came down the hall and gently shut the door behind him as he entered the bedroom again.

They got tucked beneath the comforter and lay on their pillows, their faces just inches apart. Sheldon began stroking Penny's flaxen hair and running his long fingertips over her thick, damp braid.

"In a way, I wish she were right," Sheldon whispered.

"Hmm?" Penny didn't understand, and she narrowed her eyes.

"I know it's been five months since you were terrified that there was an engagement ring in your Valentine's Day gift. I suppose a small but significant part of my subconscious assumed you had emotionally progressed on the matter in the intervening five months. When you told my mother that we weren't 'there yet,' it rather hurt my feelings. That doesn't happen very often."

"It did?" Penny asked, feeling as though she'd been kicked in the gut.

"It did," Sheldon nodded, "because I suppose I _am_ at the point in our relationship where I feel very much like making a perpetual and monogamous legal commitment."

"I'm sorry, Sheldon," Penny whispered, her voice cracking as a tear broke the barrier of her eyelid and crashed down over her cheek.

"Why are you apologizing?" Sheldon demanded, swiping Penny's tear expeditiously from her face. "If you do not feel the same way, then it is up to me to mitigate my own emotional discomfort and cope with the difference in readiness."

"That's not why I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," Penny susurrated, placing one of her palms on Sheldon's scruffy cheek. "I didn't mean to do that at all. I freaked a little bit. I didn't have a good explanation for your mother as to why we're not engaged."

"You could have simply told her about your Promise Ring," Sheldon said. He fluffed Penny's pillow beneath her head and cleared his throat. "You could have just explained that you aren't prepared to be married."

"Well, why am I not prepared?" Penny demanded. "I live with you. You're in your thirties. You deserve a child now. My own biological clock is starting to tick. It's a quiet tick, sure, but it's there. We have a home. Like your mom said, we have a bedroom. I have full confidence that you will never cheat on me. I had no good reason for your mom because I have no good reason for myself, Sheldon."

Sheldon smiled weakly, a distant sadness in his eyes. "Any offspring we produced would be statistically likely to be genetically gifted both intellectually and physically."

"The Ultimate Child," Penny giggled, and Sheldon gave her the same sad smile he'd just had. He ran his thumb under her eye and whispered,

"It's worth a shot."

"What is, honey?" Penny asked.

Sheldon just shook his head and rolled onto his back. "Goodnight, Penny," he sighed. "I love you very much. I shall see you when we wake."

* * *

"Penny."

"Hrrrrmph." Penny rolled over and tried to crack her eyes open. The sun was blinding coming in through the window and she was _hot_, so _hot._ The comforter was stifling atop her flannel pajamas. She felt sweaty and gross, and was it even possible that it was morning already? Penny felt like she'd just fallen asleep. Sure enough, though, the sun shone obstinately into the bedroom, assuring Penny that it was indeed daytime.

"Penny." Sheldon's voice was gentle, and so was his hand as it reached to rouse her, but Penny realized it was coming from the wrong side of her. Wasn't he supposed to be to her right? Penny reached her hand out and felt empty mattress where Sheldon was supposed to be lying.

Now suddenly more awake as she tried to figure out why Sheldon was on the wrong side of her, Penny rolled over and saw Sheldon kneeling beside the bed. Perhaps 'genuflecting' was a better description of what he was doing. He was already dressed.

In a tie.

Something was up. Penny was very confused indeed. She pinched herself, _hard_, and said, "Ow!" when she realized that, no, she was not dreaming. Sheldon gave Penny a happy little smile when their eyes met, his shining and hers confused.

"Good morning," he said slyly.

"Good morning," Penny croaked, pushing herself up until she was sitting in the bed. "What's going on here? Why are you dressed up?" She rubbed her eyes and looked to the door. It was shut. She looked to the alarm clock. 7:06. Really?

Sheldon glanced down at himself. He wore a black dress shirt with subtle gray stripes on it, a silver tie, and black dress pants. Penny thought he looked pretty spiffy, but she was so incredibly confused that her head was spinning.

Sheldon cleared his throat and pulled something out of his pocket, and that's when Penny thought she was going to throw up. It was a little black velvet box. Sheldon looked proudly up at Penny, and her eyes went as round as cue balls.

"Penny," Sheldon began, as though he'd thought through what he was going to say very carefully. Penny couldn't breathe. She was very glad she was sitting, or else she thought she would surely faint.

"Perhaps this should have waited for a more axiomatically appropriate setting, such as a romantic dinner at a restaurant, or a walk in the park. However, I have chosen this setting because I believe it represents the very reason for my asking you this question." Sheldon reached up with his right hand and gently wiped at the tears that were already tumbling down Penny's cheeks, still blotchy from sleep. "Surely you would look beautiful at a restaurant, wearing your finest evening wear. Surely you would look beautiful in the glow of a street lamp. But I think you look most beautiful just like this, fresh from a dream."

Penny began to sob at that, heaving uncontrollably.

"Please don't cry, Penny. If you say 'no' to the query I am about to pose, I will understand the logic behind your decision and will require no explanation. However, if you should answer in the affirmative, I would defy any man to prove he was more pleased in his equivalent moment."

"Oh, _God_, Sheldon!" Penny blubbered, trying to talk through her hiccups and tears. "Please just ask me already!"

Sheldon smiled. "Very well," he said. He raised the little black velvet box up close to Penny and cracked it open. Inside was a sparkling ring, the likes of which Penny had never seen. Like her Promise Ring, the Engagement Ring looked antique and Art Deco. It had a European-cut center diamond that looked to be about a carat. The ring was clearly platinum. The center diamond was surrounded by smaller stones and intricate scrollwork in the platinum. Down the platinum band ran several cushion-cut sapphires.

It was the most beautiful ring Penny had ever seen. She tore her eyes from it to look into Sheldon's blue gaze that seemed to match the sapphires on the ring perfectly.

"Penny," he said with a fiercely trembling voice, "Will you please do me the sincere and unparalleled honor of marrying me?"

All Penny could do was nod, because she was crying so hard. "Mm-hmm!" she managed through her tears. She held out her shaking left hand, and Sheldon exchanged the Promise Ring for the Engagement Ring. Penny stared in awe at the glittering ring on her finger.

Sheldon sniffed a few times, and Penny glanced at him to see him wiping his eyes with a tissue. He was crying, too. That was very un-Sheldon-like, Penny thought.

She was glad he'd done this in private. Sheldon would not want to do something like this in public. He did not like being emotional around just anybody, and even in front of their group of friends, he was uncomfortable with excessive public displays of affection. Besides, there was something very special about waking up to find one's boyfriend – fiancé – waiting to ask one to marry him.

After Penny brushed her teeth and managed to stop sobbing, she and Sheldon returned to the bedroom and kissed for twenty minutes. Sheldon said he wasn't comfortable having sex in the apartment with his mother asleep in the bedroom next to them, and Penny respected that. So she just kissed him fiercely, staring intently all the while at her left hand and relishing the feel of the ring on her finger.

"It's beautiful," she whispered, breaking away from a kiss and holding her hand up to marvel at the ring.

"It only looks beautiful because it's being worn by such a lovely hand," Sheldon laughed, pulling Penny's face back toward him for another kiss.

"Sheldon, I'm going to _marry_ you!" Penny exclaimed, squealing into his mouth. Sheldon chuckled, and after kissing Penny some more, requested,

"Say it again." His voice was low and poignant in its desperation.

Penny tipped his head toward hers and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "I'm going to marry you."

**A/N: That's all, folks - I'm going to end it there because I think it's a sufficiently happy ending and honestly I could write 250,000 words until they're 85 and die if I let , I need to focus my energies on my original novel, in which several publishers have expressed an interest. I thank you very sincerely for your readership and I very much hope you enjoyed the story.**

**Live long and prosper.**

**- Smaointe Salach**


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